THE WEST WING ANALYSIS
Score: 7.5 / 10 
Season One
- Pilot
- Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc
- A Proportional Response
- Five Votes Down
- The Crackpots And These Women
- Mr Willis Of Ohio
- The State Dinner
- Enemies
- The Short List
- In Excelsis Deo
- Lord John Marbury
- He Shall, From Time To Time...
- Take Out The Trash Day
- Take This Sabbath Day
- Celestial Navigation
- Twenty Hours In LA
- The White House Pro-Am
- Six Meetings Before Lunch
Episode One: Pilot
The series opens with a glimpse of the typical crises one expects at the White House. Josh, for example, is in trouble for calling God a 'penny-pinching fartybum' live on television during an episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway?. The President (thrillingly known by the short-lived alias POTUS for this episode) has ridden his bike into a hickory tree. Leo's enraged by a crossword puzzle. Several hundred Cubans are rowing to Florida in some form of impromptu regatta. And, of course, Sam has slept with one of those irritating Washington law student hookers, as you'd expect. Naturally, however, by episode's end, everything is wrapped up neatly. Um, except for Toby derailing Josh's apology by calling one of God's representatives 'an anti-Semitic bitch'. And, uh, Leo's ongoing crossword turmoil. And... I'm pretty sure Sam didn't technically break it off with his courtesan. But, heck, a truckload of those damn Cubans drowned and the hickory tree got the chair. So some brightness amidst the gloom.
Episode Two: Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc
Turns out Sam didn't break up with his hooker girlfriend last week, so Toby and Josh get in his ear and say 'dude, enough with the whore already'. Meanwhile, The President has made an ill-advised joke about golfers, possibly in Latin, leading to a diplomatic scandal. He meets with Lee Trevino to resolve the situation. In other news, people are pissed at the Vice President for reasons that are unclear to casual viewers. The episode ends with the President's doctor being blown up by terrorists and Sam committing to be his harlot's new best friend. The President vows to unleash holy fury on the terrorists. The trick wishes she could do the same to Sam.
Episode Three: A Proportional Response
It's an all-SHOUTING episode of the West Wing this week. The President's SHOUTING at Leo about how his friend was blown up by Syrians in the closing overs of last week's episode and how his pussy military advisors just want to retaliate 'proportionally'. "I'm the goddamn President - why the hell can't I nuke a few terrorists every now and then?" Leo explains (via some more SHOUTING) that this is because the President is, um, 'not Charlemagne'. This explanation pleases nobody. CJ, meanwhile, is SHOUTING at Sam for sleeping with his whore. Sam is SHOUTING at CJ for SHOUTING at him for sleeping with a whore. And Toby's SHOUTING at, uh, nobody about, uh, something. Frankly, by that stage, it was hard to keep up. Into this sonata of SHOUTING steps the softly-spoken Charlie, who, as a result of a really rather impressive bureaucratic snafu, applies for a job as a messenger boy but instead ends up being hired as aide to the President. His first job? Find everybody some EARMUFFS!
Episode Four: Five Votes Down
There's an important weapons bill to pass and the gang are five votes down! Also, Toby's in trouble because he's made a killing on the stock market, which is unseemly for a Democrat. And, of course, Leo and his wife are Splitsville, partially due to Leo forgetting their anniversary, but also because he's a recovering alcoholic and, therefore, no longer any fun at parties. While The President entertains everybody with a painkiller-induced comic tour de force, the Vice President swoops in and saves the day, earning himself vast kudos and a dramatic closing scene with Josh where he (inexplicably) welcomes him to 'the NFL'.
Episode Five: The Crackpots And These Women
Today's the day when Leo makes the staff talk to local crackpots with zany requests for government funding. There's an explanation for why he does this, but it's a convoluted one that seems unnecessarily based around cheese. Meanwhile, Toby and The President are locking horns over relevant policy matters (ie whether or not The President cheats when playing three-on-three basketball). And, of course, Josh is off to see a shrink because he's been given a card that gets him (but none of his friends) to safety in the event of a nuclear attack. Awesome! Josh also reveals to the shrink that his sister Joanie died in a fire while babysitting him as a child. No word on what happened to Chachi.
Episode Six: Mr Willis Of Ohio
It's poker night at the White House and that means The President is badgering everybody with random trivia. Because he's the President and if he wants to make knowledge of the various puncuation elements in the English language the ante on a particular hand, he can do so. The poker night segues into drinks at a local bar which ends with Zoe, the President's daughter, getting hit on by some frat boys. They are arrested for this by the Secret Service. We end the episode with the President unveiling a far-fetched scenario of Zoe being kidnapped at a party and held hostage so terrorists can force the President to do their nefarious bidding. "That's sooo far-fetched, Dad" says Zoe. "Maybe now," says the President. "But you just wait a few seasons, Missy." In other news, CJ doesn't know what a 'census' is. Who the hell hired her?
Episode Seven: The State Dinner
Crisis in the White House! Crazed militia have taken hostages and shot an FBI negotiator in the throat. A hurricane is about to hit a badly misplaced naval fleet. Truckers (including BJ Mackay and his best friend Bear) are threatening to strike. Negotiations between Toby, Josh and an Indonesian aide are threatened by a) a comical translation chain and b) Toby's overbearing toast. And, of course, the President of Indonesia, the State dinner for whom forms the backdrop for this entire episode, doesn't like the salmon and is being a monosyllabic dick about it all. On the plus side, The First Lady is back in town with her no-nonsense attitude and/or decolletage. So everything turns out okay. Except, of course, where it does not.
Episode Eight: Enemies
The President's in a good mood because the gang have sorted out some kind of banking bill which will, I dunno, outlaw incompetent tellers. Or some damn thing. So, obviously, he decides to celebrate by being a dick to the Vice President during the Cabinet meeting, with predictable repercussions (ie far too much screen time for Danny Concannon). Elsewhere, Sam has to choose between going to a Chinese Opera with Leo's smokin' hot daughter Mallory or writing a birthday message to the Assistant Secretary For Time-Wasting. He goes with the latter, even when Mallory offers to replace the Chinese Opera with a cup of coffee and a neck rub. Sam Seaborn, birthday card devotee.
Episode Nine: The Short List
The gang have bowed to Josh's latent Beatlemania and chosen George Harrison as their appointee to the Supreme Court. Unfortunately, last minute research by Sam reveals that Judge Harrison did not write Maxwell's Silver Hammer as originally believed, and so it's a hasty Hello, Goodbye (also a non-Harrison penned ditty) to the former Beatle. Instead, the gang opt for Judge Mendoza, former drug villain from the McBain movies. This may or may not prove to be an astute choice.
Episode Ten: In Excelsis Deo
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the (White) House, not a creature was stirring... except for everybody, because they're all goddamn workaholics. Josh and Sam come up with some hare-brained scheme to protect Leo from revelations that he used to be a total pill-popping junkie. The plan is, of course, to get Sam's whore involved. This is clearly nutty as all get out, so Leo puts the kibosh on that. Meanwhile, Toby spends the episode heroically seeking to right an unjust travesty - namely, the general populace's insistence that the year 2000 was the first year of the new millennium. Go, Toby, go! (Yes, it's all in the past now, but some of us still consider the ability to count correctly to be a fundamental one and will never rest on this issue.) Between this, he also organises, I dunno, a full millitary funeral for a dead, homeless Korean veteran who stole his jacket. Or some damn thing. Wasn't really paying attention, because I was so excited about the millennium thing.
Episode Eleven: Lord John Marbury
Pakistan and India are at war! Something to do with ball-tampering allegations, I believe. Anyhoo, The President and Leo are hard at work trying to resolve the situation peacefully, aided by Lord John Marbury, who has agreed to wander in drunk from Cheers and irritate Leo on the condition that the episode is named after him. Sorkin, spineless as ever, agrees to this. Meanwhile, Josh is subpoenaed and forced to testify about Leo's pill-popping past. He chooses Sam to represent him, so this obviously ends in a complete fucking shambles. Toby and CJ squabble about the fact that Toby lies to her all the time. "It's not all the time," he lies. And Charlie is given permission to date The President's daughter, providing it's okay with Katharine Hepburn.
Episode Twelve: He Shall, From Time To Time...
It's time for The President to deliver his State of the Union address, but, scant minutes before he is due to do so, he collapses with a severe dose of the flu. Actually, it's not quite as bad as all that, because it's not scant 'minutes' before the State of the Union, it's scant 'days'. On the other hand, it turns out it's not the 'flu', but rather 'Multiple Sclerosis'. So maybe it is as bad as all that. In other news, Leo's finally been busted for his drunk and disorderly ways. He responds, predictably enough, by giving an apologetic press conference and tearing Sam a new one. Sam, in turn, is kissed on the lips by Leo's daughter, which, in turn, inspires CJ to kiss Danny on the lips. Which is okay, but imagine if it had been the other way around! Come on, Sorkin. Where are your homoerotic impulses, man?
Take Out The Trash Day
There's a saucy sex education report doing the rounds of the West Wing and it's got everybody all hot and bothered. Danny and CJ are continuing to smooch at any given opportunity. Leo is summoning young interns to his office to 'discuss' pills and alcohol. Toby's working himself into a frenzy about Fozzie Bear and Julia Child. And, of course, the President is demanding (and being denied!) bananas. Such overt sexuality is clearly muddling everybody's minds, so eventually the President decides it would be best if he just took the report away for a bit. He vows to keep it in his top drawer. Or, if the First Lady is out of town, under his mattress.
Take This Sabbath Day
A late-night hearing of the Supreme Court has decreed that Penelope Cruz be sentenced to death next, oh, let's say Monday, for her role in Vanilla Sky. Immediately, the entire gang spring into anti-capital punishment mode. Sam discusses the execution of minors with Charlie (who thinks he's talking about 'miners' - with hilarious consequences). Toby is chastised by his rabbi and, in turn, chastises the President with obscure Jewish mandates. And, of course, CJ couldn't give a tinker's cuss one way or the other, but does amuse us all by giving a minute-by-minute breakdown of the death throes. In the end, the President allows the execution to go forth, because, hell, he saw Spanglish. Sure, Penelope wasn't in that one, but somebody should pay, dammit! In other news, Josh has to meet up with a deaf campaign manager. He prepares for this meeting by going to a strip club, getting shit-faced and sleeping in a dumpster. Just as any of us would.
Celestial Navigation
That ne'er-do-well Judge Mendoza has been arrested for drink-driving. This is quite the trick, considering he's never drunk a drop of alcohol in his life. Perhaps the pigs have mistaken him for Leo. Regardless, Toby and Sam, guided by the stars (celestial, not Hollywood), drive off to bust him out of jail. While all this is going on, Josh regales a frat house with a tale of a press conference he held several days ago. He was replacing CJ, who had been subbed out due to root canal surgery that made her talk in a comical fashion. Unfortunately, Josh's turn in the CJ role is widely considered to be an Enormous Failure. This is partially due to his insistence on ridiculing various reporters. Also, a little bit to do with him inventing, then denying, the existence of the President's secret plan for fighting inflation. But the Enormous Failure status is mostly due to his insistence on wearing one of CJ's skirts in a poorly thought through bid to earn the press corps' respect. Oh, Josh, you just don't have the legs for it, man!
Twenty Hours In LA
The gang's all off to Hollywood! Why? Because there's a kick-ass party going down, obviously. They may wield immense political power and have incredibly important and time-consuming jobs, but that's no reason for the non-alcoholic members of staff to turn up their collective noses to a first-class kegger, is it? The party's being thrown by a billionaire movie mogul who wants the President to publicly support gays in the millitary. The President won't hear a word of it. Not because of any latent homophobia, but more because the band (The Taylor Dayne Experience) chooses that precise moment to start their overly loud set. CJ, meanwhile, is being offered a three-picture development deal. She suggests a remake of The Sound of Music starring Christina Aguilera in the title role. The execs, puzzled, promise to call her later in the week. And, of course, Special Guest Star David Hasselhoff seduces Donna with a combination of effortless masculine charm and previously untold Knight Rider anecdotes. Go Hoff, go!
The White House Pro-Am
The First Lady's taken a sip of the Fruit Loop juice and, as a consequence, is creating all manner of shambles wherever she goes. First, she appears on morning television, calling for an end to child slavery in India (in direct defiance of Josh and Toby's recent public stance on the issue). Then she, uh, datss a prospective Federal Reserve appointee thirty years ago. And, if that's not enough, she then decides to block an important bill that everybody's spent months trying to get passed. Well, she doesn't block it. But somebody she knows does. Clearly, her lunatic reign of madness must cease. Solution? Send Sam in to call her 'amateurish'. (Yes, Sam. He Who Dates Whores.)
Six Meetings Before Lunch
Judge Mendoza has finally been accepted into the Supreme Court, so CJ celebrates by doing 'The Jackal', some kind of bizarre mime performance which the cast finds infinitely more entertaining than we, the baffled viewing audience, do. Also furious about this needless routine is a black civil rights activist who confronts Josh, demanding $1.7 trillion in reparations. Josh sympathises with the damage done, but is forced to concede he doesn't have $1.7 trillion. At least, not on him. He suggests they head out to lunch and stop by an ATM. In other news, the President's daughter lies to a reporter and kisses Charlie in the corridor. The President, enraged, decides to, uh, challenge George Washington to a war (?). CJ suggests instead that he take his medication and have a good lie down.
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