THE WATCHMEN FILES
Score: 7.6 / 10 
8: Splotchey Breaks Out
Who??? If you don't know who any of these people are, you clearly need a scorecard.
Well, this is more like it. Now that we have Captain Pudgey and Bimbo Lass's sexual shenanigans out of the way it's time for some action.
We open with Captain Pudgey's mentor, Captain Pudgey Senior calling up Bimbo Lass's mother, The Original Bimbo Lass and spilling the beans on the aforementioned shenanigans.
"'He's really going for it! says Captain Pudgey Senior."
"He's really going for it!" says Captain Pudgey Senior.
"Really?" says The Original Bimbo Lass. "Ewww."
Meanwhile, back at the PudgeyCave, Bimbo Lass and Captain Pudgey prepare to bust Splotchface out of prison. Bimbo Lass is not so keen on the notion.
"Can't we just continue to bonk one another silly?" she says, writhing saucily.
"Hahaha!" says Captain Pudgey, like the oblivious fool he is.
Over at the prison, Splotchey is visited by the most heinous prison-bound villain of them all, Boss Midget. Boss Midget plays the rule of expositioner telling us that once the guy who Splotchey burned with the fat dies, there will be a prison riot and then everybody will come to kill Splotchey.
The prison guard, who you might have thought would be interested in this information, nods idiotically.
Back at Captain Pudgey's house, who should pop in for a chinwag but Detective FarTooSharp! He very subtly lets Captain Pudgey know that he's onto him.
"Gee," he says. "I wouldn't like to be a superhero about the same age, weight, height and general demeanour and body odour as you, going about busting people out of jail or getting it on with Bimbo Lass."
"No," says Captain Pudgey.
"You just watch yourself son," says Detective FarTooSharp. "When we caught Splotchface he had sugar cubes on his person. You have sugar cubes in your house. I think that's a pretty compelling case we have against you."
Cut to a desert island where the writer of pirate comic books and some artist are talking about a movie script and a horrible movie monster they've helped build. Oooooh. Foreshadowing.
Cut back to News Vendor talking with some kind of street gang about how the world's about to erupt in a nuclear war thanks to MegaSmurf moving to Mars. Pirate Comic Reading Kid continues to read his pirate comic. Boy, nothing can stop this kid.
Then the fat-burnt guy dies and there's a riot in the jail (just as Boss Midget predicted). Boss Midget and some other prisoners show up at Splotchey's cell to kill him. They've cleverly brought a blow-torch along to cut through the lock.
Stupidly, one of the other prisoners sticks his arms through the bars and Splotchey ties them together. Even more stupidly, Boss Midget kills the tied up other prisoner. No sensible reason exists for this, but it does mean Splotchey now has one less prisoner to deal with.
"... Captain Pudgey and Bimbo Lass fly into the prison grounds, deafening everybody with Prince's 'Let's Go Crazy'"
Outside, in a fantastic cavalry moment (assuming for a second that cavalry can consist of giant owl ships) Captain Pudgey and Bimbo Lass fly into the prison grounds, deafening everybody with Prince's 'Let's Go Crazy'.
Splotchey has also taken the opportunity to wipe out another prisoner using a piece of electric cable and a broken toilet. Boss Midget suddenly remembers that Splotchey is a deadly dangerous psychopath and runs away. Splotchey walks after him in an ominous fashion.
He meets up with Captain Pudgey and Bimbo Lass, pretends he needs to take a leak, kills Boss Midget and then the three of them fly back to Captain Pudgey's home. What a triumph!
But in even more of a triumph, who should be waiting in Bimbo Lass's room but MegaSmurf!! MegaSmurf tells Bimbo Lass that he's got to talk to her on Mars in an hour and, hence, he's going to teleport her there. "Well, that makes sense," says Bimbo Lass and off she teleports.
Well, ya gotta know that bums Captain Pudgey out big time, but hey, maybe next time you'll forget about busting your buddies outta prison and give the girl some of the lovin' she needs. Ya big weenie.
Anyway, Captain Pudgey and Splotchey fly off in the ship just ahead of Detective FarTooSharp and Detective BleedinObvious busting in to arrest their butts.
And then, just for the hell of it, the gang that's been hanging out with the News Vendor head off and kill Captain Pudgey Senior. Well, why not?
All rightey then!! What an issue! Splotchey bustin' out! The return of MegaSmurf!! Bimbo Lass dumping Captain Pudgey! A random murder! Funny, excellent stuff. One million out of ten.
Next issue: MegaSmurf and Bimbo Lass have a bit of a chat on Mars
Begone,
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