THE WATCHMEN FILES
Score: 7.1 / 10 
3: MegaSmurf Bugs Out
Who??? If you don't know who any of these people are, you clearly need a scorecard.
Issue 3 opens with a news vendor regaling a young comic book reader with his view of the world, while the aforementioned young comic book reader tries to ignore him and read the comic, which is an enthralling tale of piracy (not software piracy, the sailing ship 'Avast ye maties' kinda piracy).
Meanwhile, back at MegaSmurf headquarters, MegaSmurf and Bimbo Lass are fooling around in the boudoir. Rather cleverly, MegaSmurf has initiated a menage a trois with only two people, by the simple yet effective means of replicating himself. Despite this uncommon good sense, Bimbo Lass, puritan that she is, freaks out a bit.
"... she sees yet another copy of MegaSmurf in the lab, trying to isolate the Smurfyon particle ..."
Then she sees yet another copy of MegaSmurf in the lab, trying to isolate the Smurfyon particle, and totally loses it, walking out on him and heading off to visit Captain Pudgey and cry at him.
Captain Pudgey doesn't know how to deal with Bimbo Lass's short skirt nor her tears, so kinda stammers a little and offers her a substandard cup of coffee.
"So, what are you going to do, Bimbo Lass?" asks Captain Pudgey.
"Dunno. Might just stay at a hotel or something..."
"Um, that's cool. Do you want to go for a walk through the most dangerous neighbourhood in town?"
"Sure. That'd be swell."
And off they trot.
Meanwhile, MegaSmurf is set to make an exciting television appearance, where he will answer questions on Afghanistan and how one should deal with cats named Azrael.
He manages to simply materialise in the studio, which rather impresses everybody... primarily because he's managed to remember to get dressed before doing so. He's omnipotent, but he can be a bit absent-minded. Much like Andy Dick, really. Everybody applauds in encouragement.
But not for too long, because in a clever series of panels, intercut with Bimbo Lass and Captain Pudgey beating the snot out of some damn fool muggers, a venomous reporter from The Daily Troublemaker confronts MegaSmurf with claims that everybody he's ever known has died of cancer.
"I'm sure The Dead Comedian could put a funny spin on this turn of events, but MegaSmurf lacks such wit ..."
Well, that's no good. I'm sure The Dead Comedian could put a funny spin on this turn of events, but MegaSmurf lacks such wit and so responds by teleporting everybody out of the studio.
He then teleports himself back to MegaSmurf Headquarters where some lackey is painting the doors with 'Beware! Giant Radioactive Smurf Within!!' signs. This is the final straw for MegaSmurf's fragile psyche, so he responds in exactly the same way you or I would... namely, he teleports to Mars.
The next morning Bimbo Lass returns to MegaSmurf Headquarters and is chastised by some military type dudes.
"Yo, bitch," they say. "Did you mess with da Big Blue Dude's head and cause him to stab out on us?"
"Not at all," she says. "I simply dumped his big blue butt."
The military dudes confer, and decide that does indeed qualify as messing with MegaSmurf's head and rag out on her a bit. Bimbo Lass doesn't cry this time, but she does get checked over for cancer, so it's still a bit of a downer for her.
Meanwhile over at Captain Pudgey's house, Splotchface has broken in (completely ruining CP's new door lock), stolen some sugar, said 'hurm' and then told Captain Pudgey about MegaSmurf's disappearance.
"First The Dead Comedian, then MegaSmurf... who's next to go? Lord Smartypants? You? Bimbo Lass??"
"What about you?" says Captain Pudgey.
"Yeah, like that's gonna happen," says Splotchface, and slinks spookily off.
Then back to the news vendor and the pirate comic-reading kid who are chatting amiably. Well, News Vendor is chatting. PCRK is trying to read his goddamn comic already!! News Vendor offers his thoughts about MegaSmurf (too blue) and superheroes in general (too weird, except Bimbo Lass, who's kinda hot). Then he gets the paper and it says that the Russians have invaded Afghanistan and that shuts him up. Thank you, newspaper, thinks PCRK.
Cut to the White House where President Nixon discusses how best to nuke the Russkies with his advisors (clarification: That should perhaps have read 'President Nixon discusses with his advisors how best to nuke the Russkies'. Don't want anybody to think President Nixon intends to use his advisors as nuclear missiles. Although, let's not rule anything out just yet). Meanwhile, MegaSmurf lazes about on Mars.
And that's all for another issue. Two superheroes down... about, um, six (?) to go. In the spirit of MegaSmurf, I shall completely abandon my score-giving responsibilities here and simply look forward to...
Next issue: We learn how MegaSmurf came to be and how time is not all it's cracked up to be.
Begone,
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