THE WATCHMEN FILES
Score: 7.4 / 10 
10: Hurm
Who??? If you don't know who any of these people are, you clearly need a scorecard.
On the home straight now. We open with President Nixon making his way into a military bunker, preparing himself to press the button that will start a rip-snortin' game of World War III.
Meanwhile, Captain Pudgey and Splotchface are sitting in the Owlmobile at the bottom of the ocean, talking about chicks and breaking people's fingers. Makes one kind of envious of the exciting life of the superhero.
"Splotchey's keen to get into his spare costume ... especially seeing as Cap Pudgey is dressed to the nines!"
Splotchey's keen to get into his spare costume, because he feels he looks ridiculous without one, especially seeing as Cap Pudgey is dressed to the nines!
So, amid some squabbling about Splotchey's Superhero killer theory, they break into his apartment, recover his spare costume and give the landlady grief about the scandalous sexual rumours she'd been spreading.
"So what's the story with these scandalous sexual rumours you've been spreading?" says Splotchey.
"I didn't mean nuthin' by it, Mr Splotchface, sir," says the landlady. "Please don't butcher me. Think of my children."
"Hurm," says Splotchey, and opts out of his landlady massacre plan. The sensitive side of Splotchface.
Meanwhile, down in Antarctica, Lord Smartypants is sitting in his South Pole Mansion, hanging out with his giant bio-engineered superlynx, watching television on about a hundred different channels at once, flipping like a madman. Oh, no wonder you don't have a girlfriend Lord Smartypants. No chick would put up with such rampant channel-surfing.
He makes observations about the erotic subtext of candy commercials and briefly expresses the desire to be a Flake. He then instructs his corporate underlings to buy heavily into pornographic movie shares.
"But you've already cornered that market, sir," says Corporate Underling One.
"Superb," says Lord Smartypants, leaning back in triumph.
Back at the bottom of the river, Splotchey and Pudgey are having a debate about who's been up to all the mischief. It is Splotchey's theory that there is a superhero killer afoot, trying to take 'em all down. Pudgey disputes this. He thinks that it's all a monumental coincidence brought about by the full moon and rock and roll music.
"Hurm," says Splotchey. "Your theory sucks."
"Oh yeah!" says Pudgey. "Well, your costume smells."
"At least I don't wear goggles like a spaz!!" screams Splotchey, furious.
And then they have a bit of a slap-fight, before finally agreeing to go beat up some criminals instead.
Which they do. Splotchey tracks down somebody who organised the assassination attempt on Lord SmartyPants and gets the name of his boss - a company, apparently, called SmartyPants Self-Assassination Attempts Inc.
While he's having a hoot of a time breaking this informer's hand, Captain Pudgey is over picking on some other guy who told him about the murder of Captain Pudgey Senior.
Then they head back outside and Pudgey cries over the death of his mentor.
"Hurm," says Splotchey. "Perhaps I shall let you brutally eliminate the killer once we find him. As a token of our friendship."
"And Splotchey blushes behind his mask."
"Thanks, Splotchey," sniffles Captain Pudgey. "You're a sweetheart."
And Splotchey blushes behind his mask.
Cut back to pirate comic book writer guy and some artistic woman having sex on a boat and then exploding. No idea what to make of that. More foreshadowing I guess.
Then Splotchey and Pudgey break into Lord Smartypants' office.
"Now," says Captain Pudgey. "If only we can somehow unravel this mysterious link to SmartyPants Self-Assassination Attempts Inc. I wonder who could be behind this mysterious company?"
"Hurm," says Splotchey. "It is a puzzle that would vex Lord Smartypants himself."
"Yes..." says Pudgey.
"Or would it..." says Splotchey.
"You mean?"
"Yes I do."
"Lord Smartypants is the villain!!" says Pudgey.
Well, doesn't that just put a fly in the ol' super-ointment? Captain Pudgey and Splotchface immediately decide to fly down to Antarctica and confront the villainy of Lord Smartypants. Splotchey drops off his journal at the local newspaper first and off they go. Eventually of course, they crash the ship just outside Smartypants' South Pole HQ and have to proceed on hoverbikes.
Lord Smartypants watches them approach on one of his multitudes of television sets. "Heh-heh-heh," he laughs, smugly. And then flips over to watch a repeat of Cheers.
A fantastic 10/10 issue with the villain of the piece finally revealed. And an excellent villain he is, too, what with his villainous couch potato tendencies. No doubt he'll say something appropriately villainous...
...next issue: The Secret Origin of Lord Smartypants
Begone,
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