THE WATCHMEN FILES
Score: 7.1 / 10 
1: Boy That's Funny!
Who??? If you don't know who any of these people are, you clearly need a scorecard.
We open with a couple of detectives investigating the death of some poor sod who has managed to be thrown out of the top window of a skyscraper.
"What do you reckon killed him?" says Detective FarTooSharp.
"Probably plummeting fifty stories to the pavement," replies Detective BleedinObvious.
"... the detectives cling to the theory that it was two men who threw him out the window. Madness."
They are helped in this decision-making process by some interspersed flashback panels which shows somebody breaking in, picking up the aforementioned poor sod and hurling him through the window.
Despite this inter-panel assistance, the detectives cling to the theory that it was two men who threw him out the window. Madness.
Later that night, a spooky guy in a trenchcoat and spotty mask breaks in to investigate more rigorously. Splotchface pokes around a bit and finds a superhero costume in the back of one of the cupboards. Turns out that the poor dead sod is an old superhero named The Comedian. Apparently, in this nape of the neck of the woods it is considered the height of wit to be thrown from a great height to one's death. Now, if only somebody could convince Damon Wayans of this comedic thesis, I'd be one happy camper.
But I digress. Splotchface immediately heads off to see all the other ex-heroes and see if any of them want to help him to... I dunno... talk spookily and break people's fingers, which seems to be the extent of Splotchface's powers.
His first stop is with Captain Pudgey, who has been out drinking with Captain Pudgey Senior. Captain Pudgey and Splotchface chat for a while in Captain Pudgey's basement until Splotchface decides he's had enough of Captain Pudgey's whining, so steals some beans and wanders off.
He chills out by breaking the fingers of a few troublemakers before heading off to visit Lord Smartypants, the smartest and handsomest and bitchin'est man in the world. Lord Smartypants accuses The Dead Comedian of being a Nazi.
"Hurm," says Splotchface. (He says 'Hurm' a lot.) "If you think The Dead Comedian was a Nazi, then you might as well call me a Nazi too."
"I was just getting to that," says Lord Smartypants.
"Well, I never," says Splotchface, and storms off in a huff.
He next visits The Jolly Blue Giant who is some nude, giant electric blue man with infinite power. He's kind of like a MegaSmurf. MegaSmurf yawns at Splotchface's news about The Dead Comedian and is far more interested in a new particle he's about to discover - the smurfyon.
"Nazism. Rape. Boy, that Dead Comedian sure had a sense of humour all right."
So Splotchface instead chats with MegaSmurf's girlfriend, Bimbo Lass, who doesn't care about The Dead Comedian either, because apparently The Dead Comedian once raped her mother.
Nazism. Rape. Boy, that Dead Comedian sure had a sense of humour all right.
Bimbo Lass eventually gets so worked up by Splotchface's rendition of The Dead Comedian's comic routines about genocide that she makes MegaSmurf teleport Splotchface outside. Which he does. Because he is putty in the hands of Bimbo Lass and her superpower of short-skirtedness.
Bimbo Lass then decides to give Captain Pudgey a call and head out for dinner to catch up on the good old days when rape was not considered quite so funny.
"You don't mind if I give Captain Pudgey a call, do you MegaSmurf?" asks Bimbo Lass.
"Not at all," says MegaSmurf, gaze never wavering from his lab experiment. "Have a smurfy time."
And they do. They eat and drink and Bimbo Lass reveals that she's getting a bit tired of MegaSmurf and his strange ways. Captain Pudgey's ears prick up at this piece of news. Bimbo Lass's short-skirt powers are working overtime.
Then they have a bit of a laugh about the fact that The Dead Comedian is, indeed, dead.
"Hahahaha" they laugh. "He's so totally squashed."
And that's about it. A fine start, with Splotchface very thoughtfully introducing us to everybody. Well done, Splotchface. I give this issue a score of B+ (although it's sufficiently splotchy that it could easily be mistaken for an A).
Next issue: The Dead Comedian's will explains the funny side of child abuse and cancer!
Begone,
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