SMALLVILLE SUPERBOY SMACKDOWN
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Lana Lang


Okay. This is a tough one. Despite first appearances there's really very little to separate Smallville Lana from Superboy Lana.

Both are the number one chicks in the young teenage Kryptonian's life, despite there being no good reason for them to be so.

Both can be utter bitches, giving their respective Clarks grief about the oddest things (eg cancelling dates at the last minute to apprehend kryptovillains (Smallville) or not singlehandedly fighting escaped tigers for her entertainment (Superboy)).

Both have a tendency to be struck down by magic rays or witchlike ancestors or crazy-inducin' flowers or vampires or what have you.

As a result, both spend at least 45% of their time being somebody else (not necessarily a bad thing).

Both have weird-ass father issues, what with Smallville Lana being the adulterous progeny of some local town lawyer in a carefully discarded subplot and Superboy Lana having a crazy archaeologist father who keeps bringing back pots and helmets possessed of ancient spirits.

And both suck face with the Kryptonian on occasion.

So how do we split them? Sure, Smallville Lana has the exotic pretty working for her. But Superboy Lana is one of those spunky redheads, and there's always something appealing about that.

You might think Smallville Lana has a slight advantage, due to being a real person and not a two-dimensional drawing. But then you think about Kristin Kreuk's 'acting', and the gap closes again.

Superboy Lana can be more of a snooty bitch, but Smallville Lana tends to be duller. And, in both cases, it's not as though the counterpart is lacking in bitchiness/dullness, it's just that the other puts the greater effort in.

It's just far too close to call. In the end, you probably have to give it to Smallville Lana, because, y'know, she puts out.

Smackdown Verdict: Smallville Logo

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This here item has so far scored 7 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.

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