THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 7
Score: 7.6 / 10 
8: Zor-El With A 'Z'
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
The episode opens with Superlad sitting alone at the farm, looking at a photo of his mother, pondering just how tedious that episode that featured her was. SBH wanders in, sprouting inexplicable lies about how awesome a surfer (!) Jimmy-James Olsen is, before disappearing up the stairs to her room. As she leaves, Superlad hears the voice of the SS Lara calling out to him.
"Help me, Superlad," she calls. "Please. Just let me have another guest appearance on your show. I will be much more interesting this time around."
Superlad, numbskull that he is, listens. He traces the voice to the barn and one of those damn Kryptonian crystals. He takes it to the fortress where the SS Jor-El gives him one of the usual lectures.
"He turns back to the hockey game on ESPN."
"Superlad," he says. "Remember your Kryptonian heritage. Don't succumb to human feelings. Yada yada yada." He turns back to the hockey game on ESPN.
But Superlad, stunning everybody, fails to listen. "I want to see another episode featuring the SS Lara."
"You fool child," says the SS Jor-El. "Last time around was awful, sending viewers worldwide to sleep, draining the energy of loyal chroniclers who had been watching the show from Episode One. Viewers who had sat through all of Season Four without complaint, Superlad. Season Four. Where Lana was a witch! And you want to subject them to the SS Lara, again?!"
"Sure," says Superlad. "Why not?" For he cares not a jot for the viewing public. Those implacable geeks!
He plunges the crystal into the Mother-Restoring Crystal Slot, and the SS Lara returns to life. "Hey, Superlad," she says. "You sure grew up fine and buff."
Superlad smiles. It's true. They embrace awkwadly, as the SS Zor-El watches mysteriously from the shadows.
We do the opening credit boogie and return to the Kent Farm where the SS Lara starts weaving her sleepy spell again. SBH emerges from upstairs and awkwardly embraces the SS Lara. "Hey, Aunt SS Lara. You're back for another episode?" She looks warily at the camera, apologetic dimples flashing all over her face.
"I certainly am," says the SS Lara. "Superlad rescued me from a crystal."
"But in doing so, surely that means the SS Zor-El was released also?" says SBH, shooting a concerned frown at Superlad.
Superlad senses the eyes upon him and stops buttering his toast. "Hmm?" he says.
"The SS Zor-El is dangerous," says the SS Lara.
"Mmmffrph. Sure," says Superlad, between chews. He swallows the crust. "Doesn't matter. It's three against one."
As the SS Lara wipes the Nutella™ off his chin, SBH looks into the distance, unconvinced by Superlad's proposed teamings.
And rightly so, for shortly thereafter, the SS Zor-El appears at the barn. "Hey, SBH," he says. "I had a feeling I might find you at this barn." More awkward embracing.
"I know you tried to kill your brother," says SBH, for she knows how to fire up a father-daughter reunion.
"I didn't succeed, though, did I?" says the SS Zor-El. "So I can't be that bad. Come. Let us be a family. You, me, the SS Lara and Superlad."
The music swells. SBH is swayed by the SS Zor-El's smooth tongue (not literally, people. That would be gross. I mean that she listens and believes what he has to say. Tch). "You used to sing to me as a baby," she says. "All the grunge classics. Oh how I loved your smooth rendition of Hunger Strike."
"And I shall sing it to you again, later tonight. Now, scoot off to the fortress, set up the karaoke equpiment and wait for me."
Off she scoots. The SS Zor-El moves onto the Luthorcorp building where he beats the snot out of Porthos Luthor. The reasons for doing so are unclear. It may be that he knows Porthos held the SS Jor-El's spirit for a bit. It may be that Porthos just needs the occasional beating to keep the season fresh. Either way, there's quite the pummeling. Before he can land the killer blow, however, Superlad shows up.
Superlad punches the SS Zor-El through the window. Ha, he thinks. Take that. He kisses his fist and goes to look outside. But the SS Zor-El flies up, up and away. Damn, thinks Superlad. Really must get onto that flying thing soon.
Superlad heads back to the farm and brings the SS Lara back to a random apartment building in Metropolis, where she'll be 'safe' from the SS Zor-El. To 'ensure' this, Lana also shows up.
"SBH sent me over here," explains Lana. "She said you might need my help."
Superlad cocks an eyebrow. Not bloody likely. "Actually, what I think she wanted was for you to meet my mother."
"Oh," says Lana. "Goodie."
"Lara, meet Lana," says Superlad. "And vice versa, of course."
"Lara?" says Lana. "Lara, Lana? Lara, Kara? Jor-El, Zor-El? For Krypton's sake, people, let's try a little bit more name differentiation here. This is not a... not a... what's that word puzzle where you change one letter at a time?"
"An acrostic?" says the SS Lara.
"No."
"The Jumble?" says Superlad.
"No." She gives him one of those evil Lana glares.
"A cryptic crossword?" tries the SS Lara again.
"Did you even listen to my description?" says Lana.
"Battleships!" tries Superlad.
"Oh, for fuck's sake."
Superlad leaves the two of them to have an awkward mother-in-law, daughter-in-law word-gaming tea party, but not before putting on a blue kryptonite ring the SS Lara gives to him. "It's Kryptonian tradition," she explains.
It's freaking hideous, thinks Superlad. But he wears it anyway. Because he's never had any issues with Kryptonite rings before. Right, kids?
He leaves the building, where the SS Zod confronts him and beats the snot out of him. Superlad, naturally, has no powers, thanks to the ring. He also can't get the ring off because he's retaining fluid. How embarrassing, he thinks, bleeding all over the place with fat fingers.
The SS Zor-El makes his pitch to Superlad. "Come on, kid. Let's conquer this world as a family. People complain much less that way."
"You're. Not. My. Family," spits out Superlad.
"Dude, I'm your uncle," says the SS Zor-El. And he flies off before Superlad can explain how he wasn't speaking literally.
The SS Zor-El flies up to the apartment, interrupts Lana and the SS Lara's awkward tea party. (Sample dialogue: "Lana, fight your dark side." "But SS Lara, I'm not as strong as you." "You were last week. You had superpowers like nobody's busi-- Anagrams!" Heavy sigh. "No.") Lana tries to stop the SS Zor-El from kidnapping the SS Lara. She is thrown into the wall for her temerity.
Superlad takes her to the Lana Ward of Smallville Hospital and then heads back to the farm. He tries to grind the ring off his finger. TIAC shows up and suggests using soap instead.
"No!" says Superlad. "Never!!"
The SS Zor-El meanwhile has returned to the fortress, where he explains his plan to SBH. "We have to repopulate this planet," says the SS Zor-El. "I shall breed with the SS Lara. We are not blood relatives - our children will rule this world. You will breed with Superlad to produce idiot peasants to tend the crops and make us bitchin' capes."
"What about the Earthlings?" says SBH.
"Nobody breeds with the Earthlings. Especially that Jimmy-James Olsen. Dear God, girl. What do you see in him?" But before SBH can answer, the SS Zor-El starts switching over crystals in the Crystalline Eclipse Generator. "This eclipse I'm now generating will eradicate all the humans."
"How does that work?" says the SS Lara.
"Eclipses are awesome. Just ask Heroes."
"Enough of your lip, woman," says the SS Zor-El. "Eclipses are awesome. Just ask Heroes. If I say it will kill all the humans, then that's what it will do."
He heads back to find Superlad, so the breeding can start. But without luck. "I've searched everywhere," he says on his return. "Can't find him."
"Did you look properly?" says the SS Lara. "Or did you just have a boy look?"
Before the SS Zor-El can answer, SBH tries to stab him with a Kryptonian dagger. The SS Zor-El takes it off her and decrees that she spends five minutes in the Naughty Corner.
With no explanation as to how he got there, Superlad shows up with a piece of kryptonite. He knocks SS Zor-El down with it, removes the eclipse crystal and then, at SS Lara's insistence, destroys the crystal that brought the SS Lara and SS Zor-El into existence. They disappear, along with the power-removing blue kryptonite ring on his finger. Handy tip for ring-removers everywhere.
And that's the episode. Obviously, SBH wakes up in a foreign city with no memory. Because, y'know, Heroes did that too. Superlad returns to furious barn chores. "There's no need to beat yourself up," says Lana.
"Not with my super-invulnerability returned, no," agrees Superlad. "But I sure can give these hay bales a pounding." He demonstrates for far longer than most of us would deem sane.
Meanwhile, in a tedious subplot that only gets interesting at the end, Lois and her editor have been snogging all over the place. Lois worries that the editor's decision to hire her was based on hedonism rather than journalism. After consulting his dictionary, he claims this to be not so. They snog some more.
Despite this, both TIAC and Sinead (in a daring snooker scene, the likes of which we haven't seen for some time) encourage Lois and the editor (respectively, but how awesome would it have been in reverse?) to break up with one another. The pair of them pretend to do so, but not particularly convincingly with their post-break-up conversation littered with phrases such as 'keeping your pants on' and 'giving you a leg-up'.
But for those of you wondering why, in Luthor's name, Sinead would be advising the editor of the Daily Planet on romantic matters, the answer comes out at the end, with the revelation that the tedious editor up with whom we've been putting most of the season is, in fact, Sinead's brother. No, not the one from the Season Two episode, who remains conveniently forgotten. He is instead the one that allegedly died as a baby, forming the foundation of most of Sinead's psychological issues. I refer, of course, to Lil' Julian Luthor.
That would be a suitable cliffhanger, but the writers go for a different one. Namely, Superlad back at the fortress, getting yet another lecture. "I told you that another episode with the SS Lara would once more be tedious and dull. But you didn't listen. It is time you were taught a lesson."
Fade to black.
Next week: Superlad learns a lesson. My money is on Art History.
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Begone,
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