Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

So suddenly, and with scant warning, the Smallville Files arise from their slumber to document the goings-on of the seventh episode of the seventh season. Sure, it’s about two months late, but what was I going to do? File it in ‘07?? Messing around with three sevens like that is a sure way to summon forth some kind of malevolent demon. Any half-competent numerologist will tell you that.

But now it’s 2008 and I’m free to sally forth.

Speaking of freely sallying forth, Superlad and Lana are riding horses around the farm, wind blowing slow-motioningly in the breeze. Eventually they ride past a windmill. Lana pulls hard on the handbrake and Stompy screeches to a halt.

“Hey,” she says to Superlad. “A windmill! Awesome!! Let’s stop here.”

Superlad sighs. Always with the windmills. But off he gets, for he is determined to show Lana a romantic time, and if windmills get her off, then so be it.

Lana is deeply suspicious. “You’re being awfully nice today. Truffles. Champagne. Not heat-visioning my horse when I pulled ahead in the race. Usually when guys behave like this it means they accidentally wrecked your car or slept with your sister.”

“You don’t have a sister, Lana,” says Superlad. Believe me, he’s checked. “And you won’t let me drive your car.”

But Lana’s no longer listening. She’s busy gazing up at the windmill. “Aren’t windmills the best!?” she hollers.

Superlad sighs again. If only there was a piece of kryptonite about so he could pass out and end this date. And lo! There is. He collapses happily. Lana goes to pick up the kryptonite and hurl it away, but as she does so, a storm starts, lightning hits the windmill and (as we’ve seen previously) the basic laws of electromagnetism transfer Superlad’s powers to Lana. She catches the windmill and gloats her way through the opening credits.

It makes windmills look like tedious spinning wheels.

After the opening credits finish, Superlad and Lana are racing around, now horseless, at superspeed. They re-emerge in the barn. “This is so awesome!” says Lana. “It makes windmills look like tedious spinning wheels.”

Superlad, of course, is being a big ‘let’s be careful now’ weiner. “Let’s be careful now,” he says to Lana. “These powers can be difficult to control.”

“Don’t be such a wiener,” she says. “Let’s have some super-sex.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” says Superlad. Before he can explain why (ie he finds Lana a bit creepy-looking these days), she’s torn his clothes off and they’re rumpy-pumpying all over the place, earthquakin’ it up with their super-nooky.

Afterwards, Lana makes waffles back at the farm and wants to talk. Superlad does his best to stay awake. “I wish this happened a long time ago,” says Lana. “Y’know? I always tried to guess what your life was like but there was a part I could never get close to.”

“My little Man of Steel?” says Superlad.

Lana ignores him. Her voice softens. “No matter how hard I tried, I could never really know you,” she says. She beams with joy. “Not until now.”

Superlad assumes she’s talking about ‘knowing him’ in the biblical sense and tucks into those waffles. “Uh-huh,” he says, mouth full. “That was some mighty shaggin’, all right. Pass the syrup, willya?”

TIAC bursts in, complaining about seismic tremors rocking Smallville.

“Probably us,” says Superlad, idiot grin all over his melon. He explains to TIAC all about the lightning and the windmill and the kryptonite and the sexual marathon that naturally resulted. He goes into far more detail than anybody is prepared for.

“Eww,” says TIAC. “But she should be careful. When SuperNerdling got superpowers, he went crazy. And that time Bo got them, he had a heart attack. And let’s not forget Dr CunningLinguist, who got Kryptonian powers, then blew up in a barn full of nitroglycerine. You don’t want that to happen to Lana, do you?”

Superlad hesitates in his chewing. “Which one?”

But it’s too late. Lana’s already dipping her toe into Lake Bonkers. She tries to explain it to TIAC as the pair of them have a girls’ night out in the following scene.

“I wish you could feel what this is like,” says Lana. “But you can’t. Because you’re ordinary. But if you could, you’d know that I’ve been given a gift and it’s my duty to use these powers. I could break into any room, unlock any door, solve any mystery. You’re always snooping around for your stories and stuff - if you had these powers, you’d use them all the time.”

“But you’re not a reporter, Lana.”

There is a pause while Lana lets this sink in. “I may not be,” she finally says. “But maybe… I am.”

“Uh, no,” says TIAC. “No. I’m really rather sure you’re not.”

“Fine. Be a bitch!” shrieks Lana. And she storms off.

Speaking of humans who borrowed the ol’ Kryptonian abilities for a bit, let’s look in on Sinead. He’s talking to Dr Cleancut, one of his scientists, who has brought him a vial containing the remnants of Spike-iac’s ship.

“Look,” says Dr Cleancut. “It’s evolved into a liquid.”

Sinead peers in. It has. But it’s never going to convince the Creationists. Still, the two of them have a bit of fun shaking the vial around and zapping it with electricity, seeing just how cranky they can make the liquid.

Very Cranky Indeed, is the final verdict. Satisfied, they lock it in a mansion safe, because they’re pretty sure that will annoy the criminy out of it also. Lana, who has been watching all this from a room full of monitors, while dressed in black leather, runs over to the mansion, breaks into the safe and steals the Spike-iac Liquid. She attempts to coo it to sleep with a Kryptonian lullaby, but to no avail.

Instead, she takes it to The Daily Planet and offers the story to Lois and her editor. When neither of them is interested, Lana kicks Lois through a glass door with a superkick. “That’s for being so much taller than me,” she says.

Cut to Luthorcorp HQ, where Porthos is having phone sex with Senator Boring Old Ma. “Oh, Senator Boring Old Ma,” he says. “Tell me more about your fillibustering.” He listens intently, squeezing a rubber ball furiously. “That is truly remarkable,” he moans.

Superlad wanders in. “Oh dear god,” says Porthos. He hangs up hurriedly and turns to Superlad. “Thanks to your mother,” he says. “We’ve finally got a senator who is going to put Kansas on the map!”

No wonder our tourism industry is in such a sad state of decline.

“Whoa!” says Superlad. “Kansas isn’t already on the map? No wonder our tourism industry is in such a sad state of decline.” He punches his fist furiously, cursing those coastal cartographers.

He quickly recovers, however, and explains to Porthos all about Lana’s superpowers and how he fears it may turn her to evil. “Oh Superlad,” says Porthos, ruffling his hair. “You don’t have to worry about superpowers turning Lana evil. I had the superpowers for a bit, remember? And I’m not evil.” He laughs insanely. “Of course,” he says, rubbing his beard. “Lana may already be evil.” And he goes on to explain about how Lana had him locked in a wood cabin earlier in the season.

Porthos then compares the Superlad-Lana situation to that of Samson and Delilah. This obviously goes straight over Superlad’s hirsute head. Nevertheless, he heads back to the farm to poke through Lana’s stuff and see if she’s ever taken a basic hairdresser’s course.

He’s interrupted by Sinead, who is chock-a-block full of the taunting. “a),” he says. “Lana’s stealing stuff from me. b) She’s using superstrength to do so. c) She’s clearly still obsessed with me. d) She’s also clearly been keeping secrets from you. e) You don’t trust her either. f) I’m still a lot richer than you are.” He then motors off magnificently in his Porsche.

Unfortunately, while he’s busy barking orders to Dr Cleancut (Dr Cleancut insists on communicating via barking and Sinead is willing to tolerate this idiosyncrasy), Lana steps out in the middle of the road. Sinead slams on the brakes and Lana walks up the car bonnet, punching through the windshield and kidnapping him.

Superlad and TIAC, meanwhile, have broken into Lana’s Isis Foundation where Superlad swiftly finds a back room full of monitors connected to dozens of secret cameras hidden throughout the Luthor Mansion, an idea she from the movie Sliver. She got several other ideas from Sliver, also, most of which caused earthquakes earlier in the episode.

“Tell me you didn’t know anything about this,” says Superlad.

“Trust me,” says TIAC. “I didn’t know anything about the La Femme Nikita hidden behind the facade of our Florence Nightingale.”

“Prrfwhat?!” says Superlad, getting very confused now. “Who? Does this have anything to do with Samson and Delilah?”

TIAC ignores him, manages to hook into Sinead’s mobile phone and hears Lana busting into his car. “What address will the next scene take place in?” demands Lana over the phone. Sinead tells her.

“Well, that’s convenient,” says Superlad.

He zips on over to the next scene where Sinead and Lana are having an inexplicable smooch and a debate about whether or not it is right for Sinead to track aliens for security purposes. Like most debates, it ends with Sinead invoking the story of St Paul and the road to Damascus and Lana therefore hurling him into a distant wall.

Superlad shows up. “Lana! What are you doing?”

“He started going on about St Paul and the roadies for Damascus,” says Lana. “Do you know what he’s talking about?”

“I think they’re a heavy metal band,” says Superlad. “Like Florence Nikita and the Delilahs.”

“You’re such a know-it-all!!” says Lana, furious. They have a fight. Lana kicks Superlad into some electrical wiring. Some kryptonite tumbles from a beaker. Superlad picks it up and Lana’s powers are removed. She is electrocuted and dies.

Ha ha ha. Of course she doesn’t die. But the Spike-iac Juice is loose!

And that’s obviously all. There are a few scenes to wrap up. Lois and the editor of the Daily Planet make out, because it’s been almost three weeks since Lois has made out with somebody.

Superlad and Sinead have a bit of a chinwag about how Lana’s obsession with Sinead is stronger than her love for Superlad. He pulls out detailed charts that show the relative strengths to four decimal places. “See?” he says. Superlad can’t make head nor tail of it, but pulls out some recent seismology charts as a counterargument.

And TIAC tells Lana that if she ever tries to hurt Superlad again, she (TIAC) will kick her (Lana’s) butt. “You don’t have superpowers any more, do you?” says TIAC. “No,” says Lana. “Then I will kick. Your. Butt,” repeats TIAC.

And finally, Sinead urges Dr Cleancut to find the Spike-iac Juice. “If we don’t find it, we’ll have a front row seat to the apocalypse,” he says. “Darkseid’s planet?” says Dr Cleancut. “No, that’s Apokolips,” says Sinead. While those two are bickering over homonyms, the Spike-iac Juice infects Dr Cleancut’s assistant. So that’s gotta be trouble, surely, Darkseid or no.

Next Week: A much shorter delay.

Discuss this episode at KryptonSite

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