THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 7
Score: 8.3 / 10 
5: Lana Does Something Interesting
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
It will surprise none (ie all) of you to hear that Hollywood has come to their senses. Rather than shoot a movie version of the fictional comic book Warrior Angel in some kind of fully equipped studio, they've opted for the artistically 'unusual' alternative of shooting it on the, uh, Kent farm.
Obviously.
TIAC has been given some ludicrous explanation for this decision, but even she can't bring herself to convey it. Instead, she reminds loyal viewers (and, more particularly, the less loyal viewers who haven't kept track of this kind of minutia - for shame!) that Warrior Angel is a comic book in the Smallville universe with implausibly close parallels to Superlad's own story.
For example, Warrior Angel has a girlfriend who tantalises us all by getting herself into deadly situations without actually dying. This extends to the actress who plays her, who drives off in a car at the end of one scene. But not just any old car - one of those pesky ones with no brakes.
She starts to scream. "Oh, come on," says TIAC. "A car accident? This isn't Season One." But Superlad's already zipped to her rescue, catching her as the car explodes around her.
And we dance to the opening credits.
"Why Lana got the screaming edition, he'll never know."
Next day, Lana brings the paper out to Superlad. "Superlad Kent saves movie star!" screams the headline. Why Lana got the screaming edition, he'll never know.
"Y'know, after seeing those kinds of headlines over all the years, you'd think I might have worked out your secret sooner," says Lana.
"But then again, you're not very bright," says Superlad.
Lana nods in agreement, as Superlad is summoned to visit Movie Lana on set. It proves as unedifying and dull as visiting the real one. Happily, TIAC shows up to liven things up by revealing that somebody jimmied the accelerator and cut the brakes.
"Jimmied the accelerator?" says Superlad. "Gotta be Jimmy-James Olsen, then. Mystery solved." He leans back and eats a croissant.
TIAC ignores him. "Somebody's trying to kill you, Movie Lana," she says.
Superlad snorts. Good luck.
Over at the Daily Planet, Lois Lane and Editor Smarmy are squabbling about the Luthors. Lois has discovered that Luthorcorp has bought a whole heap (1 whole heap = 32.4 acres) of land around the dam from last season's finale.
"This is the true Sinead Luthor," says Lois. "Forget his recent charity work and assorted philanthropy. The real story is in this nefarious, um, purchase of land."
"This is the most boring story lead in history," says Editor Smarmy, and forbids Lois to get involved lest ratings plummet to all new lows.
But there's little chance of that, because look who is making his triumphant return - Porthos Luthor! He's regained consciousness, strapped into a bed, Misery-style by a crazy woman named Marilyn. It is unclear whether this is supposed to be the 80s pop singer who gave the world Calling Your Name but I'm going to assume it is.
"Why didn't you take me to a hospital, Marilyn?" asks Porthos.
This might seem a reasonable question to you and me. But not to Marilyn, who is all affronted, and insisting Porthos write a new novel that brings Misery Chastain back to life.
"I think you've got me confused with somebody else," says Porthos.
But Marilyn won't listen. Also, Porthos has a bear trap on his arm, so if she has confused him with somebody else, it may well be Yogi Bear.
Back at the Kent Farm and Movie Lana is 'rehearsing' a scene with Superlad. It's a scene where she pushes him to the ground and smacks a wet one on him. Superlad's not having any of this. One sex-crazed Lana is more than enough.
Speaking of the original Lana, she shows up and breaks up the Movie Lana-Superlad clinch. "I didn't realise Movie Lana was staying here," says Lana.
"I figured that's what we do every time somebody tries to kill you," explains Superlad. "We move you into the farm. Might as well shovel her in as well. With SBH flying around elsewhere this episode, we have to keep the babe ratio up. Right?"
He winks at the camera. Lana ignores him and offers instead a theory as to why somebody's trying to kill Movie Lana.
"Oh!" says Superlad, surprised. "We need a motive?"
"Lots of people are unhappy with this movie version," says Lana. "Y'see, they've kept mostly faithful to the comic book version... but with one crucial difference. In the comic book, Warrior Angel's girlfriend dies."
"But in the movie... she doesn't."
"That would be the 'difference' part, yes."
Superlad looks over the printouts of various blogs and websites Lana's brought with her. "These guys are crazy," says Superlad. "Blogs. Forums. And what's this all about?" He scans through some fan fiction. "How on Earth could Warrior Angel be pregnant? He's a man. Men don't get pregnant. These are some psycho hombres!"
Lana snatches that one away before Superlad can see the sig on it. "This is the one we think is trying to murder Movie Lana," she says, pointing to a different printout. "He does some kind of idiotic recap of the Warrior Angel stories, full of all kinds of lame jokes and brain-dead name-calling. And he obviously despises Lana."
"Despises Movie Lana," corrects Superlad.
"Uh. Yeah."
So Superlad decides it's time to visit Sinead. "Look, Sinead," he says. "You're a massive comic book geek, right?"
"Not at all," says Sinead. "I gave up comic books years ago."
"So you can't help me understand this random comic book quote from the person trying to kill Movie Lana?"
Sinead reads it. "That would be issue 5," he says. And he pulls open a convenient office drawer which contains every single issue of Warrior Angel, all bagged in Mylar™ and in Mint Condition.
He pulls one out, decreasing its value considerably, and explains how, in this particular issue, Warrior Angel's mortal enemy shot his (WA) girlfriend dead.
"And she stayed that way?" says Superlad, wondering how that might work.
As Sinead nods, we cut to that Crazy Recapper replacing the blanks in the gun with bullets. To help the stupider viewers out, the boxes are labelled 'BLANKS' and 'BULLETS'. He hands the gun to the guy playing the villain, who manages to shoot Movie Lana.
Unfortunately, Superlad's shown up at the fourth-last moment and caught the bullet in mid-air and at superspeed without anybody seeing him.
Except for, y'know, Crazy Recapper, who watches him unfold his hand with the bullet in it.
Lois, meanwhile, has donned a far sexier than expected pair of glasses and is using them to snoop around in Luthorcorp. Sinead interrupts her.
"Why would you purchase land around the dam?" asks Lois, as if anybody cares about this storyline in any way.
"I didn't authorise the purchase of any land," he says. "That goes against everything I now stand for."
Lois shows him the deed of purchase. "These initials are very girley," says Sinead. "It may be Porthos."
Speaking of Porthos, it turns out that, despite all the hair, he is not, after all, a bear. So he escapes from the bear trap by tearing his wrist to pieces. He then knocks out Marilyn and makes a run for it through the forest, before he is smacked in the head with a shovel.
A shovel wielded by Lana. In the most interesting thing she's done since that kiss with Scabby Abby, it turns out Lana is responsible for holding Porthos captive.
Back at the Kent Farm and Superlad interrupts Movie Lana mid-massage. He's received a comic book from Crazy Recapper with a message inside threatening to reveal Superlad's secret. "It's not at all safe in the farm any longer," he says. "You stay here and wait for Lana to return. I'm off to talk to TIAC."
"Can't you stay here with me until Lana gets here?" she says.
"Of course not," says Superlad. "I just told you it's not safe here. Tcch."
Off he heads to the Daily Planet where he disrupts TIAC from work. "Can you track this comic book's owner?" says Superlad.
"Because comic book readers are so dangerous, the government tracks all purchases and stores it in a special database ..."
"Of course," says TIAC. "Because comic book readers are so dangerous, the government tracks all purchases and stores it in a special database I should be able to effortlessly hack into." She does so and gives Superlad the Crazy Recapper's address.
But when Superlad gets there, Crazy Recapper's nowhere to be seen. He has, however, left a webcam behind which allows him to explain that he's going to turn Superlad into a hero.
That's far too confusing for Superlad to work out, despite Sinead's detailed explanation of Warrior Angel's ascent to heroism earlier in the episode. Luckily, TIAC was paying attention and explains to him how Crazy Recapper's going to try and kill Lana to make Superlad a hero.
So Superlad heads off to find Lana and Movie Lana. They've both been zapped with a cattle prod by Crazy Recapper, who now has Lana dangling over the edge of the building.
"Sorry, dude," he says. "You've got to die to make Superlad a hero."
"You haven't seen this show before, have you?" says Lana.
But Crazy Recapper won't listen. He drops Lana to her death. Except, of course, for the fact that Superlad shows up and jumps over the building after her.
Uh, Superlad? You can't fly.
But as we've seen before, he can fall like nobody's business. He out-accelerates Lana, falling beneath her, where he catches her and holds her until they land atop a Buick, which they destroy.
And that's all. Sinead tracks down Porthos and tries to save him from Marilyn. He doesn't quite succeed, with Marilyn pulling a gun on him. Fortunately, Porthos escapes and beats Marilyn to a hideous bloody pulp with a nearby stone. Ha ha ha! Take that, you Boy George wannabe!
He then confronts Lana about the, y'know, kidnapping and holding him captive and stuff. Lana denies everything - "I don't even like Stephen King!" - and tells Porthos not to tell Superlad anything.
"I'm the one who makes threats here," he says. And goes on to talk about precipices and tumbling and darkness and why Stephen King's books are vastly underrated ('especially the earlier ones'). Lana refuses to listen to him until he grows that glorious mane back.
And, of course, Sinead tracks down Crazy Recapper in an insane asylum and offers him his complete comic book collection if he'll reveal Superlad's superpowers. Crazy Recapper refuses. Boy, he is crazy! Sinead mutters and moves over to his calendar, crossing another date off. Seventeen to go.
Next week: A guest appearance by Bizarro Lana, who dies, Kenny-like, every single episode.
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Begone,
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