THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 7
Score: 7.9 / 10 
4: Blame It On Dean Cain
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
So, given the choice, what element of Season One of the show would you most like to see return? A multi-faceted, morally ambiguous Sinead Luthor? Fresh, original twists on the Superman mythos? Genuine tension and intrigue? Or that chick who talked to bees?
If you went with Bee Girl then you're in luck, because after some typically awkward dialogue between TIAC and Jimmy-James Olsen, wherein he reveals he's bought tickets to the latest Bowling For Soup concert, she espies Bee Girl leaving the Death Claw. TIAC follows her outside and confronts her.
Bee Girl reveals she's no longer a meteor freak. She's been cured by Dr Dean Cain. There is, however, a catch. "When they took away my powers," she explains. "They took away some of my memories as well. The last six years, in fact."
TIAC does some calculatin'. That would wipe out memories of the entire show. Where does she sign up?
But, of course, Bee-Minus Girl pays for her tattling by being chloroformed and kidnapped by the previously discussed Dr Dean Cain, just in time for the opening credits.
Back at the Kent Farm, Lana's making breakfast for Superlad. SBH emerges, dressed scantily.
"Wow," she says. "You're well trained. Why did it take so long for you and Superlad to get together?"
"He was afraid he'd kill me with his super-wiener."
"And now he's not afraid any more?"
"Y'know," says Lana. "Since my return, it hasn't come up."
Before either of them can explore this any further, Superlad emerges down the stairs. "This smells great," he lies.
"Yeah," says Lana. "But we're out of maple syrup."
"Lana is idiotically impressed with this brazen display of superspeed and shoplifting."
"No problemo," says Superlad. He zips off and picks some up, returning in the blink of an eye. Lana is idiotically impressed with this brazen display of superspeed and shoplifting. SBH, not so much. She goes to give him grief about his hypocrisy on the non-display of superpowers front but is interrupted by a sudden guest appearance from J'onn J'onnz, The Martian Manhunter.
"Stay away from Kal-El, foul temptress," says J'onn, straight to the point as always.
"Talk to the hand," says SBH. She goes to punch him, but Superlad intercepts. The pair of them squabble over whether or not J'onn is a worthwhile friend or, alternatively, a complete tool, before SBH races off at superspeed.
Lana watches all this. "Let me guess," she says. "You're from Krypton, too?"
Superlad and J'onn laugh and laugh at this. "No," says J'onn. "I'm from Mars."
"Try and keep up, Lana," says Superlad, sneering. "Prrrfffrt. Krypton."
So Superlad and J'onn discuss the secret history of The SS Jor-El and Zor-El. Those wacky brothers apparently hated one another and tried to kill one another at any opportunity (just like Bobby and Peter Farrelly). J'onn warns Superlad that he can't trust SBH and must find her crystal before she does.
"Oh, sure," says Superlad. "SBH's crystal. Right. I'll ask her about it when she gets back."
J'onn pinches his nose and explains again about the 'not trusting' thing.
Over to the Luthor Mansion and Sinead and Dr Dean Cain are discussing Mussolini and meteor freaks and train conductors and memory loss (although not necessarily in that order).
Sinead's concerned that some of the cured meteor freaks have disappeared. "You know anything about that?" he says.
"Hmmm?" says Dr Dean Cain, who'd been thinking about the next scene instead.
So let's follow him over there. He puts on a classical music record (Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em) and prepares to slice open a restrained and squirming Bee-Minus Girl. "Sorry, Bee-Minus Girl," he says. "But I have to cut you open so your organs can be used to extend the life of my comatose wife."
"Well, why didn't you say so..." says Bee-Minus Girl. She lies back calmly.
Over at The Daily Planet, TIAC's blowing off Jimmy-James and his Bowling For Soup tickets, in favour of research into Dr Dean Cain's activities.
"Aw, man," whines Jimmy-James. "Enough with the meteor freaks already. I wish they were all locked away somewhere, then I might get a chance to see you sometimes."
"Would you, Jimmy-James?" asks TIAC. "Would you??"
But instead of answering this peculiar and revealing question, he storms off. Storming in to replace him in the whole 'let's not let TIAC get any work done' role is Superlad. "I need you to help me find SBH's missing crystal," he says.
"Sorry," says TIAC. "I'm busy dealing with my own life."
"Ha ha ha," says Superlad. "Nice one. But this is important."
"And so is what I'm doing."
"Fine," says Superlad. "Be like that." Some people are so self-absorbed. He storms off too, back to the barn.
Somehow Lana's found a script. She takes TIAC's role and fills Superlad in on Dr Dean Cain and his freak-curing. Makes no mention of the memory loss or the senseless patient-butchering, however. Probably distracted by a passing mirror before she got to that bit.
Meanwhile, over at the Daily Planet, SBH has shown up, wearing one of Lois's awesome singlets (aka tank top) from early Season Four. Jimmy-James stands up and takes notice.
"I need you to help me find out information about the spaceship from a couple of episodes ago," she purrs. "You're very smart when it comes to cameras. I bet you can clean up the footage from Lois's video of the ship." And she looks up at him with wide eyes.
"Hnnnhhh," says Jimmy-James, brain cells scrambled. "You're blonde."
"You're my hero," says SBH. "Call me when you're done." She kisses him on the cheek and leaves.
"Hnnnhhh," says Jimmy-James again, idiot grin all over his melon. "Pretty."
Over at TIAC's place, Superlad has confronted her about Dr Dean Cain. "I think you're going to allow Dr Dean Cain to operate on you and remove your freak status," he says.
"And the memory," says TIAC. "Don't forget about the memory loss." She explains about this aspect.
"Really?" says Superlad. "All six seasons? Gone?" He picks his nose in thought.
Naturally, by now, Sinead has found Dr Dean Cain dragging Bee-Minus Girl's corpse out to a random cemetery. "This is so sloppy," says Sinead. "That I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you."
And he does. But Dr Dean Cain is (obviously) immortal, so he gets back up and knocks Sinead out. Before he can kill him, however, Superlad shows up and hurls Dr Dean Cain into an electrical generator. "Take that," he says, unable to think of anything wittier.
While all this is going on, Jimmy-James and SBH flirt over Chinese food, while Jimmy-James' Commodore 64 renders Lois's footage. It finally finishes. "Wow," says Jimmy-James. "The government stole the spaceship. Wait until I tell TIAC."
"You can't tell TIAC," says SBH. She bites her lip and tilts her head. "This just has to stay between you" - she caresses his chest - "and me."
"Hnnnhhh," says Jimmy-James. "You've got a belly-button."
TIAC sees them and gets all upset. She takes her opportunity to storm off, but not before carefully and overtly placing an envelope with a message to Jimmy-James in the bin.
She heads off to visit Dr Dean Cain who tries to chloroform her. "This is standard medical procedure," he yells, knocking over chairs to get to her. TIAC runs, but not fast enough.
He straps her into a gurney and wheels her in beside his wife. "I'm going to chop out your heart and put it in my wife, so she will live forever."
Then he waits until she wakes up and tells her again.
Superlad has by now dropped in on Jimmy-James. "Where's TIAC?" he says.
"We had a fight," says Jimmy-James. "Boy, I could really use somebody to talk to about it."
"Not interested in that," says Superlad, dismissing him with a wave of his hand. "Read me that letter." And Jimmy-James reads him TIAC's letter. It's kinda rambling. "Skip a bit," says Superlad. Jimmy-James skims down to the relevant bit, which is that she may not remember Jimmy-James after tonight.
Superlad, overcome with envy, heads over to Dr Dean Cain's office, where he bumps into Sinead.
"And here's a photo of a border collie puppy."
"Look at these pictures," says Sinead, holding up his mobile phone. "I used image recognition technology to track him down. Here's a photo of Dr Dean Cain in World War Two. Here's a photo of him in 1888. Here's a Polaroid of him in 1675. Here's a group shot of him and Jesus wearing T-shirts that say 'Best Buds 4-Evah'. And here's a photo of a border collie puppy. That's not Dr Dean Cain, but it's awfully cute, wouldn't you agree?"
And Superlad has no choice but to do so.
"He's immortal, Superlad." He intercepts Superlad's next question before it's even asked. "Not the puppy. Dr Dean Cain." He pauses dramatically. "Dr Dean Cain is immortal."
"Well, he couldn't have gotten far," says Superlad, proving rather difficult to impress. And they deduce he must be in a deserted Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman set.
Superlad races over there and prevents Dr Dean Cain from butchering TIAC. The pair of them fight a bit until Dr Dean Cain accidentally severs the equipment keeping his wife alive.
"Teri!!" he shouts. "What have I done??" He looks a little closer. "Wait. This isn't Teri Hatcher..." He sighs, defeated. "I'm on the wrong goddamn show. I thought this was a rather peculiar episode of Desperate Housewives."
TIAC looks at Superlad and shrugs. Seemed pretty standard to her.
And that's all. J'onn takes Dr Dean Cain away. "You didn't kill him, did you?" asks Superlad. "Dude, he's immortal," says J'onn. SBH shows up and they squabble again about whether or not Zor-El was a traitor, before SBH flies off, midriff on furious display.
Superlad then confronts Lana about the ten million dollars she stole from Sinead. "Yeah," says Lana. "But you stole some maple syrup." "Then we'll call it even," says Superlad.
And, finally, just for a laugh, Jimmy-James and TIAC break up. Can't remember why, but it doesn't matter, does it? Any episode that ends with TIAC's little heart breaking always gets a couple of bonus points. Total Score: 2/10.
Next week: I assume SBH continues to toy with Jimmy-James' 'mind' some more.
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Begone,
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