THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 7
Score: 7 / 10 
10: The Return Of Spike-iac
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Hang onto your hats, people (if you're wearing them. If you're not, hang onto the tops of your collective heads). This is one heckuva Smallville.
It begins with a recap of the last three seasons or so and then segues neatly into Bizarro-Superlad and Lana in bed, catching the morning sun, Maggie May-style. Of course, sunlight has a tendency to crumble Bizarro-Superlad's face (just as Rod Stewart alluded to), so rather than allow that to happen, B-S suggests that the pair of them breakfast in Paris.
"I'll fly you there myself," he says. And, presumably, rotate the Earth as he goes, to ensure that it's also morning in France.
"Kryptonians can't fly!" sneers Lana.
"You dismissive, ignorant sow!" retorts B-S. Or perhaps he just thinks this. It's hard to tell when one's yelling at the television screen.
Instead, Lana vows to make them a very special dinner. "Our own special Paris," she says, as if this makes any sense.
Bizarro-Superlad, baffled, suggests she returns to bed. She's so much prettier when she's not talking he finds.
"I guess I can spare two and a half minutes," she says, proving B-S's point perfectly.
They shag through the opening credits. Which by my count is only fifty seconds. But let's not split nits.
After the credits, Lil' Julian is introducing himself to Porthos. "Porthos, I'm a clone of your dead son, Julian. I was created by Sinead for reasons that remain unclear."
"Luckily, I'm precisely the kind of venomous old reptile who can teach you."
"No, no, no," says Porthos. "Where's the subtlety? The underplayed innuendo? The layers of meaning? You have a lot to learn about being a Luthor, Lil' Julian." He smiles evilly. "Luckily, I'm precisely the kind of venomous old reptile who can teach you."
Meanwhile, Lana's sitting in a room surrounded by computers, pretending she knows how to use them all. This is made more difficult because she's mixed Macs with PCs and Linux boxes. I think she even has a Wii™ in one corner. She stumbles around their various interfaces comically.
Bizarro-Superlad comes in. "Explain this week's plot to me," he says. For there is no time for dilly-dallying. Not this week.
"Spike-iac is back!" says Lana. "He's killing random homeless people."
"Just like Rudy Guiliani," says B-S.
"Yes," says Lana. "And, like the former mayor, he's sucking all the trace metals out of their corpses before moving on." She shakes the Wii™ nunchuk. Her Mac reboots. "Now," she continues. "I've averaged out the co-ordinates of all the dead bodies. I assume, without a shred of evidence, that Spike-iac must be standing perfectly still at that point."
"I assume that also," says Superlad. Because isn't there a writer's strike going on? Or is that over? It's so hard to tell.
He heads off and meets up with Spike-iac, who is torturing rats for our entertainment.
"You're not Kal-El," says Spike-iac. "You're just Bizarro-Superlad. Aren't you concerned about what he's going to do when he comes back to find you schtupping Lana?"
"Nah," says B-S. "He'll just move onto that one with the norgs. My real problem is this: the yellow sun has a tendency to turn my skin into stone. Sooner or later, even Lana's going to notice."
"You could consult Dr Dax-Ur," suggests Spike-iac. "He's a Kryptonian dermatologist who happens to live on Earth these days. To make an appointment, you need to activate that little shield thing that Superlad and Kara found back in that beauty pageant episode earlier in the season. Remember that?"
"No," says B-S, speaking for all of us.
Spike-iac then compares B-S to a mollusc. Which caps the scene neatly.
B-S heads off to visit TIAC and insists she help him find the shield. "You have access to the script for Episode Three, don't you?" he says.
"I'm kinda busy," says TIAC.
"Ha ha ha," says B-S. "Seriously, I need to find that shield thingy." He grabs her arm.
That's enough to make TIAC suspicious. She wonders aloud why B-S can't remember where he put the shield at the end of that episode. "You never forget anything," she says. "Your mind is like a titanium trap."
We don't even have time to wonder whether she means a trap made out of titanium or a trap designed to capture titanium, let alone in what sense Superlad's mind could compare to either of these items, before B-S snaps.
"Listen, bitch," he says. "Just tell me where the freakin' shield is, okay?"
Humph. Well. Nobody talks to TIAC like that (apart from Jimmy-James Olsen in the bedroom). She tells Superlad to talk to the hand, and after a good forty-five seconds of him taking her literally, the scene ends.
Happily, the next scene is one of Luthor sniping. Porthos and Sinead meet up in the mansion and show Lil' Julian how it's done. The layered meanings, the underplayed innuendo. The sniping and backstabbing. It's all there, people! It ends with Porthos declaring Sinead to be 'depraved' and 'lost'.
"Lost," says Sinead, rubbing his chin in what one assumes to be thought. For, after this season he'll have plenty of time for guest appearances in other, infinitely better written shows.
TIAC heads over to tattle about Superlad to Lana. "The Superlad I know wouldn't just forget about a shield from seven episodes ago!" she says.
"Really?" says Lana. "Maybe you don't know him as well as you thought." On one level, a typically bitchy response. And yet, on another, a fair point. Because, seriously, the Kryptonian kid? Not the sharpest tool in the Kent barn.
TIAC's not going to be outbitched. "Lana," she says. "Unlike you, I've been part of Superlad's inner circle for ages. I know when he's not himself. This is either silver kryptonite, red kryptonite, Bizarro-Superlad, mind-control, black krypton--"
She's interrupted by the return of Bizarro-Superlad, who tells her that he and Lana are leaving Smallville. TIAC, inexplicably upset by this, given that she lives in Metropolis, storms out.
"Fuck off, Bizarro-Superlad."
Lana and B-S discuss the friggin' shield some more, with Lana eventually suggesting he go look in the fortress for it. The SS Jor-El is not at all welcoming. "Fuck off, Bizarro-Superlad," he intones. "You are not welcome here." Which is certainly to the point.
B-S does so, and the SS Jor-El frees Superlad to go fight him. He zooms back to the Kent farm, where he tells Lana about the existence of Bizarro-Superlad. She, in turn, tells him (Superlad) that she slept with him (B-S).
"What was he like?" says Superlad.
But there's no time to hear the answer. B-S has gone back to consult with Spike-iac, who tells him the new plan. "I'll distract Superlad. You kidnap Lana."
"You're an advanced hyper-intelligent construct?" says B-S.
"Hard to believe, innit?"
Superlad, meanwhile, has popped in to see Porthos. "Porthos," he says. "Bizarro-Superlad is back. He's been living with Lana while I've been trapped in the Fortress."
"A 'hello' would be nice," says Porthos. But because he's the SS Jor-El's emissary, he fills Superlad in on how to defeat Bizarro-Superlad. "You need to hit him with blue kryptonite."
"That makes no sense," says Superlad.
"Also," says Porthos, ignoring him. "There's a Kryptonian dermatologist living on Earth. He sells blue kryptonite as a side-business. He's the one you need to visit."
"Why didn't you mention this other Kryptonian before?" asks Superlad.
"Ha ha ha," says Porthos. "There'll be plenty of time for reasonable explanations for my unfathomable actions later," he lies. He goes on to explain about the shield and how one activates it (you have to tap it three times and say 'There's no Kryptonian dermatologist like Dr Dax-Ur'). "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go dine with my cloned, dead son."
"Of course," says Superlad, assuming that's some kind of euphemism.
But it's not. Because after Superlad leaves to badger TIAC (who, naturally enough, has stolen the shield), it's revealed that it's not Porthos at all, but rather Spike-iac in disguise.
Superlad, now armed with the little shield, heads off to visit Dr Dax-Ur. He declares Superlad's skin to be 'dreamy'. He also goes on to tell Superlad that he (Dr Dax-Ur) has a wife and kids and, uh, no powers, thanks to a hideous blue K bracelet.
He also mentions that he created Spike-iac. "This was a mistake," he confesses.
"No shit," says Superlad, tactful as ever.
Anyways, Dr Dax-Ur sells Superlad some blue K, and he heads back to Lana, who is in, uh, Green Arrow's apartment (?). Bizarro-Superlad is also there, so there's a scuffle. Eventually, Lana somehow gets hold of the Blue K. She admits that she's never been more in love than she has been with B-S over the last couple of episodes. So she kills him (B-S) with the blue K.
What can I say? The girl has issues.
That's more or less that. Except, of course, for Spike-iac tracking down Dr Dax-Ur, sticking a metal spike in his brain and stealing all his knowledge.
And, of course, Sinead organising for Lil' Julian to be executed after that previously mentioned dinner with Porthos. He toyed with a fishing boat execution but decided it was a little too Godfather 2. Also, might get blood in his tackle box. So, instead, he has a mugger shoot Lil' Julian and flee. Porthos falls to his knees and vows to fight crime dressed as a bat (I assume).
Sinead celebrates (how else?) by playing snooker with himself.
And any episode that ends that way earns an automatic A+.
Next week: The return of Green Arrow! Now, with added Black Canary.
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