THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7 / 10 
9: Sick Feats Under
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Okay. I can't put it off any longer. Time to review this stupid episode. It's one of those episodes where Superlad befriends a small urchin, and we all know that's no good for devoted Smallville viewers. Or, indeed, any other kind. Nevertheless...
We open in one of the slave farms on the outskirts of Smallville. Young Mexican urchins tend the crops. One of them ('San') is not so happy about this. He declares to one of his co-slaves ('Francisco') that he's going to make a break for it. Francisco says "No way!".
"Way," says San, savvy in late twentieth century American pop culture.
Before they can go, one of the other slaves ('Golden Gate Bridge') falls down from the heat. The slavemaster shows up. "Dock that hombre a day's pay for napping on the job," he says.
Such shameless pilfering of Blazing Saddles dialogue is too much for San and Francisco. They run off.
Naturally enough, Francisco is immediately swallowed by some unseen subterranean menace. Take that, freedom-seekers! So much for the underground railroad.
After the opening credits and theme song, we find ourselves at Luthor Mansion. Sinead and Lana converse awkwardly.
"You haven't been sleeping well," observes Sinead.
"Yeah, well you proposed to me!" sniffs Lana.
"Well, frankly, I wouldn't mind retracting that," says Sinead. "But, be that as it may, you should go visit a museum in Amsterdam."
"Amsterdam?!?" says Lana. "That's 4000 miles away!" For she has been spending her time in the mansion memorising the distance of all major geographical points from Smallville.
"Then you'd better take the jet," says Sinead.
By now, young San has made his way to the Kent barn, where he is stealing some laying pellets. Superlad catches him at this and takes him inside where he (eventually) makes him an omelette.
"Would - you - like - some - lemonade?" says Superlad. San does not answer. "If only I spoke Spanish," mumbles Superlad to himself, cursing his near-monolinguism.
"Orange juice, please," says San.
"Or-ANJ jooos," repeats Superlad, slowly and loudly. "And I (gestures to self) am SUPER-lad (whooshing hand gesture)."
With a combination of hand gestures, impromptu puppetry and a dogged refusal to accept San's ability to speak English, Superlad eventually is filled in on San's life story, up to and including the slavery and mole-like monster on the farm next door. He also realises San is from Mexico.
"Lana and Sinead's cutesy answering machine routine was funny at first, but now just grates."
"Mexico?" says Superlad. "That's a long way from Smallville." He thinks about calling Lana, who would know precisely how far, but decides not to bother. Lana and Sinead's cutesy answering machine routine was funny at first, but now just grates.
Instead, he drives over to the slave farm to chat with Farmer Slaver. They make small talk. ("Weren't your crops destroyed in the last meteor shower?" "Nope. Got 'em cleared in time - thank you, Farmer's Almanack. Isn't your father a Senator now?" "Nope, he's dead.")
Superlad eventually moves onto less chit-chatty stuff. "You got any illegal aliens on this farm?" he says.
"Nope," says Farmer Slaver. "All my slaves are free range."
"I mean, not including me, obviously," says Superlad, chuckling to himself.
"Nope," says Farmer Slaver. "Wait. What?"
"Never mind." He sends Farmer Slaver off to find a spare tractor part, so he can ask questions of the slaves. Idiotically, he still doesn't speak Spanish, so is left with no choice but to shout loudly at them, in the hope this will help.
It does not.
Back at the farm, Senator Boring Old Ma is busily denying the existence of San to a random Lazy Smallville Cop.
"Do you mind if I look in your barn?" says Lazy Smallville Cop. Because at least that way he's out of the sun.
Superlad tries to stall for time. "Hey," he says. "Who wants to see my impression of the late James Brown?"
They ignore him and head into the barn. The cop sees how much clutter there is. "I can't be bothered looking through all this," he says. "If you see him, give me a call."
"Ha!" says Superlad. "Sex machine!"
The cop ignores him and leaves. Superlad uses the X-peepers to find San hiding in one of Bo's old moonshine barrels.
Senator Boring Old Ma sees the two of them together and loses it completely. "I am, like, so turning him in," she says.
"Oh, come on!!" says Superlad. "You've been harbouring me for seventeen years!"
"That's a completely different situation," says Senator Boring Old Ma. "You have an enormous array of superpowers. This kid can't even speak English."
"Um. Yes I can," says San.
Senator Boring Old Ma pats him on the head. "Muchos apologias, mein little fraulein," she says, all over the place now,
"Hey, why don't I just drop him off with TIAC?" says Superlad. "Get you off the hook, immigrant-harbouring-wise."
"Done."
Superlad offloads San and then heads back to the Slave Farm to speak to one of the older slaves. "What - happened - to - Francisco?" he yells.
The response is in Spanish.
"Oh, for the love of..." mutters Superlad.
Happily, one of the other slaves can translate, and explains about the ground swallowing everybody who has tried to escape. Superlad turns on the X-ray eyes again and finds, y'know, remains of hundreds of slaves underground.
Over at TIAC's place, Jimmy-James Olsen has shown up for a hot date with TIAC, only to discover San is already there, playing Grand Theft Auto. Jimmy-James pulls out his Li'l Book Of Cheat Codes and joins in.
Then Superlad shows up to tell TIAC about the mass graves. TIAC decides, just for the heck of it, to blame Sinead. This has the desired effect of getting Superlad out of her house and over to the mansion for one of his famous accusatory hollerings. Sinead? Denies everything in the usual fashion.
By this stage, San has scarpered, for no clear reason. Perhaps he is as bored with this episode as the rest of us. Superlad returns, furious. "You can't even look after one piddling little slave!?" he says.
"Piddling?" says TIAC, looking around the floor.
"... there's a veritable truckload of dead bodies buried over on Farmer Slaver's place."
The next day, the Lazy Smallville Cops are arresting Farmer Slaver for all the mass-murderin's that Superlad somehow convinced them to investigate ('Don't ask me how I know this, Sheriff, but there's a veritable truckload of dead bodies buried over on Farmer Slaver's place.') So Farmer Slaver vows vengeance on Superlad and (weirdly) San, before disappearing straight through the topsoil.
Superlad immediately shoots over to Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters to discuss this with TIAC. "He was buried under a mountain of kryptonite during the last meteor shower!" she reveals.
"That might explain his powers..." muses Superlad.
"You think?" says TIAC. She sighs, checks her watch and tunes in a police radio which helpfully informs them of San's whereabouts. Superlad dashes off again. He intercepts San from getting on the bus and whisks him back to the truck at superspeed.
"How did you do that?" says San.
"I - know - you - can't - understand - what - I - say," says Superlad, yelling again. "But you mustn't tell anybody about my powers. It's a secret shared only by you, TIAC, Porthos, my Ma, half of Belle Reve prison and every other urchin I've ever met."
While he and San start driving back to Smallville, TIAC and Jimmy-James meet up with San's mother. "Would - you - like - to - see - your - son?" shouts TIAC, while Jimmy-James makes a baby-cradling motion with his arms.
"Of course I would."
Back in the car, Superlad tells San about Francisco's demise. "Your friend is dead!" he yells. "Kaput! No more!" He runs his finger along his neck.
San leaps out of the truck in sorrow and runs off. "Come back," yells Superlad, running after him at something considerably less than superspeed. Suddenly Farmer Slaver sucks Superlad underground, where there is a big fight we don't get to see, due to its subterranean nature, until Farmer Slaver comes flying out and lands on the ground unconscious.
"We shall leave him there unconscious for somebody else to take into custody," shouts Superlad.
"Dude, is that wise?" says San.
Superlad ruffles his hair. "I will learn your language one day!" he vows loudly.
He takes him back to the barn where Senator Boring Old Ma decrees him and his mother to be US citizens.
"Lady, is this legal?" says San.
"I - will - use - my - gubernatorial - wand," yells Senator Boring Old Ma, tapping the pair of them on the head with an egg whisk.
"You're a Senator not a Governor," points out Superlad.
"Shut up," hisses Ma, who lives for the word 'gubernatorial'.
And that's essentially where we end it. Lana returns from Amsterdam, where she has been overwhelmed by the ability of rich people to get pretty much whatever they want. "Think of all the good we can do!" she says.
"Oh yeah," says Sinead. "'Good'." And he heads off to Room 33.1, where Farmer Slaver has been added to his rapidly-growing collection of freaks.
Lana, meanwhile, drops in to visit Superlad. "The Senator around?" she says.
"Nope. She's in Washington."
"1059 miles!" says Lana. "Boo-yah! Don't talk to me about distances!" And she storms off victorious, leaving Superlad befuddled.
Next time: Green Arrow and Lois return from another of their off-air shagfests.
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Begone,
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