THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 6
Score: 8 / 10 
7: It's Not Easy Being Green Arrow
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
We start with GA and Lois sucking vehement face. "Stay here," says Lois. "I'm off to disrobe. Whatever happens, don't go anywhere or attempt to prevent any carjackings." And off she slinks.
Well, GA won't be told what to do by any woman, not even one as near-nude as Lois is about to be. He immediately locates a carjacking, changes into costume and zooms down to the rescue. Alas, he is distracted by his enormous erection and ends up being shot by a carjacker and left for dead.
Lois sulks back to the Kent farm, where Senator Boring Old Ma is planning Thanksgiving Dinner. Superlad's all 'I hate Thanksgiving'-ey, because, I dunno, Bo used to carve the turkey and now he's dead and incapable of carving anything with his corpselike fingers. Or some damn thing.
Lois fills him in about GA's disappearance and also the fact that GA (in costume) was found shot last night. Superlad, privy to GA's secret identity, puts two and negative two together. He comes up with nothing, so heads off to see GA, who fled the scene of his shooting before the Lazy Metropolis Cops could investigate.
GA is wearing no shirt and lifting weights. "You look fine!" says Superlad.
"Of course," he says. He puts his shirt back on.
"But I read in the paper that you were shot last night."
"Oh yeah!?!" screams GA, suddenly furious. "Well, if I'd been shot, I'd be dead or all holey or something, wouldn't I? Because I'm not bulletproof like a certain lame-ass, hay-bale-totin' Kryptonian I can freakin' well mention and besides, why don't you shut up about the getting shot business and stop trying to teach me your stupid secret identity maintenance tricks before I crush a glass tumbler in my hands and cut them all up!!"
"Prrftt," says Superlad. Glass tumbler. Unless GA can crush it into the form of a diamond, that's not gonna impress anybody.
GA tries. And fails. He merely cuts the bejeezus out of his hand.
Superlad leaves, snickering. He's still the non-bleedingest hero in town. But he decides to take a last X-Ray peek at GA's smokin' body and accidentally sees him injecting healin' fluid, which fixes up his hand, old school.
Meanwhile, Lois is badgering Sinead about doing some work in his Halfway House for Up And Coming Henchmen. Sinead won't hear of it. "I have an ear infection," he lies.
"I want to work with violent criminals."
"You do not," says Lana. "I want to work with violent criminals."
"I forbid it!" says Sinead. "I know that's harsh and a little 19th Century of me, but hell, I live in a mansion with you as my concubine. And if I want to protect you and make you dress in a maid's outfit, then I will."
"Why does everybody feel the need to protect me?" complains Lana.
"Because you're in hospital every other week!" says Sinead. "They have a ward named after you. You're part of this year's staff Secret Santa!"
Lana storms out, rolling her eyes. Sinead rolls his eyes, but doesn't storm out. Advantage: Luthor.
Superlad and Lois have now decided GA is a smack junkie. "Keep your distance," warns Superlad, who has read up on drug abuse.
"No," says Lois. "He's still dreamy. And, as a drug addict, tortured and fascinating."
GA has headed off to see Dr HealingFactor. She's been working on this whole Injuries-B-Gone Serum, at GA's request, and he's reporting back that it's working a treat.
"That may be so," says Dr HealingFactor. "But our tests on mice show them exhibiting irrational cognitive behaviour." She shows GA some footage of the mice smashing tiny glass tumblers in their paws.
"That's adorable," says GA. He grabs some of the Injuries-B-Gone serum that's just laying around, and departs.
Back at the farm and Porthos, that wily sea dog, has shown up for some more Senator Boring Old Ma-seduction. As always, he's working the duplicitous route.
He makes up some kind of story about how he doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving since his whore of a wife died and also how he doesn't think it would be right to make an appearance at the Kent Thanksgiving feast, what with him having murdered Bo and his hatred of Native Americans and so forth.
"Nonsense," says Senator Boring Old Ma. "In fact, why don't you take Bo's seat and carve the turkey and wear his old farm clothes and generally replace him completely. Superlad won't mind."
There is a pause and Porthos moves in for a kiss. Senator Boring Old Ma does so as well, which allows Porthos to pull away. "I'm so sorry," he says. "Ten million apologies!" He leaves, smirking cunningly to himself. She's gonna want him soooo bad. She shows up a bit later, claiming she's not ready to do the Smallville Lambada with him yet, but that's fine. Porthos is working the slow burn.
Superlad's now over at Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters, preventing TIAC from working again. TIAC tries to shoo him off.
"Are you trying to get rid of me?" he says, as she applies a boot to his toned superbutt.
But it's too late for responses. Lana shows up. "Hello Superlad," she says, all cold and bitchy.
"Miss Lane," says Superlad.
"It's Lang you dimwit."
"Whatever." Superlad leaves.
Lana now badgers TIAC into doing some investigative work into Sinead's Halfway House for Up and Coming Henchmen.
"I do have a job here, y'know," says TIAC.
Lana senses the scene is getting a little bit too much about TIAC, and faints to ensure attention reverts to her.
TIAC sighs. "Are you okay, Lana?" she says.
"Of course." Up she hops and off she goes.
Meanwhile Lois has shown up at GA's clock penthouse and found GA in costume. Because Lois Lane is history's single worst secret identity deducer, she doesn't unravel the dual identity. Instead, she assumes GA (in costume) is robbing her billionaire boyfriend. She hits him on the head with a dumbbell. Appropriate enough. He hurls her through a glass table, and scurries off.
She wakes up in hospital, opposite the Lana Lang ward. Superlad is there, asking what happened. "I caught that villainous evil Green Arrow trying to rob the penthouse."
"Really??" says Superlad. "Really?!? That's what you think happened?"
"Of course."
"Huh. Hey," he says. "Do you think you'd recognise me with glasses on?"
Lois ignores him.
Meanwhile, GA's tracked down the creep who shot him, and he's chock-a-block full of Injuries-B-Gone serum too. He's also from Sinead's Halfway House For Up and Coming Henchmen. So now GA knows Sinead's bought off Dr HealingFactor.
Superlad has caught up with TIAC, who fills him in on the Injuries-B-Gone serum, too. Superlad investigates Dr HealingFactor, but she's now, like, totally murdered and dead.
"How ironic," says TIAC, shaking her head sadly.
"... check out these awesome mice!!"
"Hey, check out these awesome mice!!" says Superlad.
Anyway, the writers have decided it's time for a GA-Sinead showdown. GA kidnaps Sinead and forces him to sign a contract, handing over all his money to twenty randomly chosen charities around the world, including Archers Anonymous and The Goatee Foundation of America.
"I seriously doubt this is going to be legally binding," says Sinead, for he has had previous experience with 'contracts signed under crossbow duress' law.
While GA looks up the relevant case (Hood vs The People of Nottingham), Sinead whips out a gun and we now have a stand-off.
"I'm pretty sure my arrow is faster than a bullet," says GA, who has no idea about basic Physics.
"Oh come on," says Sinead. For GA is giving their former school a bad rep on the education front.
They shoot one another and fly back comically. GA injects himself with Injuries-B-Gone serum as Superlad shows up. "That's right," says GA, tapping his head. "You're what's faster than a speeding bullet. GA so dumb sometimes."
Superlad checks out Sinead. GA proposes that he (Superlad) lets him (Sinead) die. Superlad hurls GA into the wall. He injects Sinead with Injuries-B-Gone juice, but it's too late. Sinead's dead.
Oh, wait. No he's not. He's the other one. Not dead.
And there we are. GA learns a valuable lesson about the true nature of heroism. "You're a hero," says GA to Superlad, by way of proof.
"Well, you don't have to have superpowers to be a hero," says Superlad, modestly. "Although it sure helps," he adds, beneath his breath. He invites GA to Thanksgiving dinner, where he can be more heroic than him some more.
Porthos is there and Lois and TIAC and Senator Boring Old Ma. Everybody's making goo-goo eyes at their respective partners (ie, Lois and GA, Senator Boring Old Ma and Porthos, TIAC and her phone). Superlad tries to turn attention back to himself.
"Our family has a tradition where everybody at the Thanksgiving table takes the opportunity to state what they're most thankful for. I'll go first," he says. "I'm thankful for this show somehow stretching into a sixth incredible season. Also, that Bo's not here to lecture me about the fact that all but one person at this table knows my secret." Everybody laughs, including Lois, who assumes he's referring to some kind of closeted homosexuality. "Who's next?" he says.
Everyone ignores him. "Hey," says TIAC. "Why don't we just start eating?"
Superlad sighs. He knew he should have listened to Lana and fainted.
Oh, speaking of Lana, she's, like, totally pregnant with some Luthor-spawn. She's having Thanksgiving dinner at the mansion with Sinead.
"You haven't said much," says Sinead. "Everything okay?"
"What?!?" shouts Lana, who has, in fact, been yammering on all night, but Sinead can't hear her, because they're seated at opposite ends of the long table.
She pouts sadly as Sinead cups a hand to his ear. She'd asked Superlad earlier if he ever wished he could go back in time and make everything different.
"Prrffrt. Been there, done that," said Superlad. He pinched her. She yelped. Yep, still alive. Dammit.
A fine episode, with pretty much everybody but the Kryptonian flying comically through the air at some point. Sure, most of them were hurled there as part of some lover's tiff, or as a result of shooting one another or jumping off a building. Or, y'know, just fainting unconvincingly away. But it's funny stuff, regardless. 8/10.
Next week: I dunno. Another Zoner, probably.
Begone,
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