THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 6
Score: 8 / 10 
6: Wesley Snipes, Power Vampire
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
It's six weeks ago in LA and Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson are blocking out some sequences for their upcoming sequel pitch, White Men? Still Can't Jump. Suddenly something falls out of the sky.
"What's that?" says Woody, for he is the more querulous of the two.
"Might be drugs," says Wesley and he sprints off to investigate further.
But it's not drugs. It's a Zoner. Worse still, it's a Zoner who saw Money Train, so he's royally pissed. He takes over Wesley's 'mind' and then blasts Woody to death, before strutting into the opening credits.
After the credits, Lana is meeting up with Dr Four-Eyes, who gives her all his test results from his analysis of Sinead's Purple Pet Rock. "I'm, like, totally out of here," he says. "Sinead is selling the results to the military and as a radical peacenik, that means I must blow town, man."
He tries to warn Lana to do the same but she is too busy applying makeup to listen.
Back to the barn and TIAC's been filling Superlad in on the pre-opening credits sequence. He'd been in wardrobe ("How about a red t-shirt and a blue jacket!!") and missed it. She also mentions Wesley's a power vampire who shoots radiation from his fingertips.
She's also helpfully put together a map that shows where Wesley has struck during the past six weeks. She's even plotted a line of best fit and extrapolated it to determine where he'll strike next. "If you stand completely still," she says. "He'll miss you by about three inches."
"Phew," says Superlad.
Her job done, TIAC leaves. She is replaced by The Minister For Tourism from the Phantom Zone.
"Hey, Kal-El," she says, for secret identities are not at all her thing.
"Didn't you, like, die?" Superlad accurately points out.
She shrugs. "There will be time for explanations later," she says. "For now let me blow some smoke up your superbutt."
"Ooo... kay?" says Superlad, wary, but a little curious.
"It must have been amazing to have all the powers that nobody else had, knowing nothing could hurt you, that you could do virtually everything."
"It sure was," says Superlad, and goes on to reminisce about how he used to gloat about his powers to Bo. "He wanted so much to know how that felt like."
"Tourism's her bag, not continuity."
"But he never could," says The Minister For Tourism, completely ignoring the Season Three opener where Bo did, indeed, develop those very powers. Tourism's her bag, not continuity.
Jimmy-James Olsen has shown up at Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters with photographs of Dr Four-Eyes meeting up with Lana. He declares it the 'story of the century'.
Of course, TIAC immediately cuts him down to size with probing questions like 'what's in the briefcase?' and 'why is this in any way newsworthy?', leaving Jimmy-James to storm off furiously to his next scene.
TIAC turns around to see Wesley Snipes behind her. She helpfully shows him to the photo archives. That's our TIAC. Anything to keep the plot moving along.
Jimmy-James has meanwhile made it to his next scene. It's set in the Luthor Mansion. Jimmy-James thanks Sinead for meeting with him.
"Your girlfriend is very close to the person I care most about," replies Sinead. And you kind of hope, despite their recent setbacks, he's referring to Superlad. Because if Lana's the person he cares most about, then that's just sad. What with her soulless wretchedry and all.
Jimmy-James doesn't mention this. He instead gets straight to the point and shows Sinead the photos of Lana meeting up with Doctor Four-Eyes. "These are incredibly blurry," says Sinead. "Don't come back here until you've learned how to use the Photoshop™ Unsharp Mask tool." He boots him out with a parting shot at both TIAC's historic lack of boyfriends and her current piss-poor effort in this arena.
Sinead heads off to confront Lana about her meeting with Doctor Four-Eyes.
Lana immediately lies about it, as you'd expect. "I had a late night craving for Neutrogena™ Advanced Solutions Facial Peel," she says.
"Really?" says Sinead. "And how blackhead-free is Doctor Four-Eyes these days?" He smirks in triumph. "I don't like playing cat and mouse games, Lana."
"Is it the game you don't like?" says Lana. "Or the fact that somebody's playing it on your level."
And Sinead's ensuing giggle fit is so intense the scene is forced to end there.
Superlad and The Minister For Tourism have meanwhile been sprinting all over Kansas, showing off, making fun of human athletes and so forth. They arrive back at the barn, where The Minister For Tourism reminisces about The SS Jor-El.
"He was brave and strong, with the biggest heart I've ever known," she says.
"Really?" says Superlad. "How big? Like a watermelon?" And he holds his hands out to measure.
"You should know all this already!" says The Minister For Tourism. "It was part of your training."
"Oh," says Superlad. "I blew that off to go play football."
Before they can discuss this further, Wesley Snipes shows up. He zaps Superlad through the barn wall. The Minister For Tourism kicks Wesley in the face and he flies through another barn wall. The Minister goes to Superlad's aid (running through a third barn wall) while Wesley finishes off the barn completely, scarpering through it into the distance.
Superlad and The Minister reconvene in the living room for some more exposition. The Minister explains how Wesley Snipes feeds off radioactive energy and how the only thing that can stop him is the SS Jor-El crystal the Minister gave Superlad back in the season opener. "All well and good," says Superlad. "But I've got a barn to rebuild first."
Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters, and Jimmy-James has been printing out some Kryptonian symbols he secretly snapped back in the mansion. TIAC recognises them as being part of Sinead's Purple Pet Rock. Jimmy-James, as incompetent in this version of the Superman mythos as he is in all others, comes to the conclusion that Sinead is in league with Egyptians. Ha ha ha!! Oh, Jimmy-James. How delightfully moronic you are.
TIAC books Jimmy-James on the next flight to Cairo and meets up with Superlad and The Minister For Tourism.
"Weren't you killed?" says TIAC.
"She's explaining that later," whispers Superlad.
They cross-exposit for our benefit and deduce Wesley Snipes will go after Sinead's Purple Pet Rock in the next scene, which will also involve Lana behaving in a sow-like fashion.
And they're right! Lana has returned it to Sinead, along with a typically bitchy ultimatum. "It's either your Purple Pet Rock or me!"
Before Sinead can make his choice, Wesley shows up. He throws Sinead through a table, probably giving him amnesia, and sucks all the power out of the Pet Rock.
Sinead and Lana run off to the hospital. "How did that thing know about your Purple Pet Rock?" says Lana.
Sinead winces at Lana's monstrous racism. "We don't call them 'things' any more, Lana," he says. "He's an African-American."
"Oh!" says Lana. "Like whatsisname, the one Superlad used to look after in the first couple of seasons."
"Oh, cut, cut, CUT!"
"Oh, cut, cut, CUT!" says Sinead. And they end the scene before Lana can drag the show any further down.
Which is a shame, because Sinead had a cutting jibe about 'uninvited guests' planned for Superlad. Ah well. There's always next week.
Superlad and The Minister For Tourism head back to the Fortress. "I told you," said Superlad, flicking a light switch up and down. "It's dead."
The Minister ignores him, starts up the backup generator, waffles on about Superlad's 'training' some more and then lures Wesley Snipes there with some kind of high-pitched screaming noise (possibly the latest Kelly Clarkson album).
"You're luring him here why, exactly?" says Superlad, because he'd listened earlier when somebody explained about Wesley sucking up the infinite power of Sinead's Purple Pet Rock.
But it's too late for answers. Wesley shows up and zaps Superlad again. He then follows up by killing The Minister For Tourism again. He goes to finish off Superlad, but Superlad remembers to wield the SS Jor-El's crystal thingummy and wins.
And there we have it. The Minister For Tourism dies, but not before ordering Superlad to use the power of the SS Jor-El's crystal thingummy to power up the Fortress again. "I know," whines Superlad. "Sheesh!"
Wesley wakes up, free of the power-sucking vampire that stole his body. He's staggered he's still in Kansas. "Kansas?" he says. "My movies don't even open there!" Superlad laughs at Wesley's declining star power.
Lana and Sinead continue to snipe at one another back at the mansion. "What decision would you have made re: my ultimatum," says Lana, talking like a memo for some reason.
"I would have thought the answer to that would be obvious," says Sinead. And they're both happy. Or, if not happy, certainly very unhappy indeed.
Superlad talks to Senator Boring Old Ma. "I can't believe the Minister For Tourism died--"
"Again," interjects Senator Boring Old Ma.
"-- yes," continues Superlad. "She was the first person I ever met who could truly relate to my powers."
"Apart from Teleporter Chick a couple of seasons ago," points out Senator Boring Old Ma.
"Yes," says Superlad again, now confused about his point.
Senator Boring Old Ma tries to help him get back on track. "Didn't the writers give you a season throughline for you to enunciate to the audience?"
"Oh yeah," says Superlad. He cues up the heroic music and stares just above the camera, looking mighty and purposeful and mildly peckish. "I hereby vow to capture or destroy all the Zoner villains before the end of the season and then go complete my training to become the hero I was born to be..." He turns to face the camera. "Captain Cheekbones!"
The music sputters to a halt. "Or whatever," he says. "We can workshop the name."
Next week: GA and Lois deign to return. I can only assume they were off elsewhere this episode, shagging like beautiful rabbits.
Begone,
blog comments powered by Disqus
This here item has so far scored 8 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
If it should be higher, click the green arrow:
And if you think it should be lower, try the red one:
To receive this kind of stuff via a convenient regular email, visit the subscription page
Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
