THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 6
Score: 6.4 / 10 
5: They Saved Duncan's Brain!!
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
In a stunning display of directorial foresight, the first scene of the episode was shot ten years ago. It's Lil' Sinead and Young Green Arrow (or 'Speedy' as he inexplicably preferred to be known back then) back at Degrassi High.
The pair don't like one another much. In fact, Lil' Sinead has only one friend at Degrassi - a young henchman named Duncan. Young GA tears Lil' Sinead's comic book in half and makes fun of his baldness, thereby displaying the heroic qualities that will make him such a future JLA stalwart.
Cut to a modern-day Degrassi High school reunion. GA has reunited with his schoolboy companions (the Speedy Bunch) to taunt Sinead some more. Showing excellent foresight, Schoolboy Companion One has brought along his own comic book (Action Comics #1) to tear in half. "Let that be a lesson to you," he says.
Alas, Duncan can't be at the reunion for reasons nobody is willing to reveal just yet. Schoolboy Companion One makes a toast to the absent Duncan and is rewarded with a sword toppling off one of those pesky Degrassi High statues and skewering him. Ouch.
Porthos shows up at the mansion to comfort Sinead in this time of, uh, loss. "I know you weren't close to Schoolboy Companion One," he says. "And that he helped make your life at Degrassi High a misery. But the way to deal with bad memories is to crush them up into a little ball and push them down right into the pit of your stomach. Don't ever let them out. Let them all just settle there. That way, you'll never go crazy."
Time for more flashbacking. Lil' Sinead and Duncan are discussing their post-Degrassi plans. Duncan wants to do pro bono work for the poor, which is really the best way to do it. Lil' Sinead's not sure about this idea. He tells Duncan that Porthos has taught him that 'poverty is just another word for lazy'.
"What do you think?" says Duncan.
"Well, one's an adjective and one's a noun. So it clearly doesn't work from even the most basic grammatical point of view."
Before they can workshop this any further, they see that Young GA and the Speedy Bunch have stolen answers to the midterms. Wily.
"TIAC has been given the important duty of setting up future episodes."
Off to the present. TIAC has been given the important duty of setting up future episodes. She's come up with the idea that maybe it wasn't just Ranger Cutie who returned from the Phantom Zone. Maybe a whole heap of other Zoners got out too.
"Is that the best you can come up with?" says Superlad.
"We can't keep drawing on the whole kryptovillain well," says TIAC. "Enough already. I mean, how many of these blasted meteor rocks came down with you?"
So Superlad's off to visit GA, who has satellite images of the Phantom Zone. Or some damn thing.
But GA's hanging out with Schoolboy Companion Two. They discuss the untimely demise of Schoolboy Companion One and how it's important to live in the moment, because you never know when life will be snatched from you.
"You want to get a drink?" says GA.
"Nuh."
And he hops in his limo which explodes.
"Huh," says GA.
He heads back to his apartment to do some mournful trick arrow shooting. Superlad zooms in and catches one in midflight. Y'know, 'cause he can.
"Do you ever knock?" says GA.
Superlad laughs.
"No, seriously." When Superlad continues to ignore him, GA changes the conversation. "Hey," he says. "Why don't I foreshadow something for you."
"Sure."
And GA shows him a new arrow he's developed that emits a contained electromagnetic pulse that fries all electrical circuits within an eight foot radius. He also (mistakenly) claims this is way cooler than a boxing glove arrow.
Superlad has no interest in this blatant plot point. He is more interested in hearing another flashback to Degrassi High.
GA obliges.
In this flashback, Duncan is trying to convince Lil' Sinead to report GA and the Speedy Gang to Principal Raditch. Lil' Sinead doesn't want that. He wants to use the knowledge as blackmailing leverage to make GA do as he pleases. "They'll be our puppets!" says Lil' Sinead.
But Duncan has no interest in puppetry. Nor muppetry.
Lil' Sinead is exasperated with Duncan's reluctance to deal. He beats him to a bloody pulp. "That one's for Gonzo!" he says with one punch. "And that's for Fozzie Bear," he adds with another. "And that's for the entire Electric Mayhem!!"
Sinead wakes up in the present, the flashback having cleverly traversed from GA to Sinead before our very eyes. How do they do that??
"Do you want to talk about it?" says Lana.
"Not on camera," says Sinead. "For that kind of exposition is desperately dull television."
"Really?" says Lana. "Worse than Season Four?"
Sinead nods. And instead a chandelier falls and kills Lana.
Ha ha ha. Of course it doesn't kill Lana. Lana can never die. We've learned that. She's concussed. Or has a toothache or something. Sinead takes her to hospital for some respite.
Superlad shows up. "Why is Lana always getting injured around you?" he demands.
"Uh. Pot. Kettle. Black," says Sinead. And he strides out, while Superlad tries to unravel this vexacious riddle.
Lois shows up and explains it to him. She also explains about Duncan. Wow, Lois. Way to usurp TIAC's role on the show. She closes with a reference to how hot GA is and strides off.
Superlad decides to visit GA. "Tell me some more about Duncan. Ideally in flashback form."
GA agrees and we flash back to the aftermath of Lil' Sinead's Duncan-bashing. Duncan struggles to his feet. "You're not my friend, Lil' Sinead!" he says. Which would seem rather obvious, really, given the sheer brutality of the beating. "Now you're their friends," he says, and steps back into the path of a speeding car (possibly driven by Lil' Pete Ross - this is never clarified).
Back to the present where GA reveals Duncan suffered massive brain injuries. He also tells Superlad about the denouement - Porthos swooping in and paying all of Duncan's hospital and morgue bills.
"Denou-what??" says Superlad.
GA ignores him. "I'd try and find out some more information, but Porthos is not on my buddy list."
"Well, he's doing the denouement with my Ma," says Superlad. "So I'll confront him." And before GA can correct Superlad's appalling misuse of French, he's gone.
"Porthos is at his desk, flipping through an English-Kryptonese dictionary."
Porthos is at his desk, flipping through an English-Kryptonese dictionary. He closes it as Superlad enters. "I was just on my way to a fancy restaurant for brunch," says Porthos. "Care to join me? You can have an entree and a main."
"Is it a French restaurant?" asks Superlad, for he could really go a nice, steaming big plate of denouement.
"Italian."
"Nuts to you," he says. "Tell me about Duncan."
So Porthos reveals some truthish kind of stuff. Namely, that Duncan's still alive. Porthos has been experimenting on him for the last decade in a bid to cure him of his vegetative state.
"Really?" says Superlad. "I'm now fighting comatose villains?" And he begins to badly hope TIAC's attempts to find new Zoner foes is a success.
So Superlad heads off to the hospital to find Duncan. Lois meets him there. Alas, Duncan's just been injected with some kryptonite juice by a saucy nurse. This allows him to send an astrally projected electromagnetic poltergeist off to kill GA, who is busy scuffling with Sinead about who has the hotter girlfriend (GA does) or who has the better hair (GA again).
Sinead is knocked unconscious just as Duncan's poltergeist picks up one of GA's arrows and hurls it into his (GA's) shoulder. Superlad shows up to help. He intercepts the electromagnetic arrow with his superchest and it fries Duncan to death. Ha ha. That'll teach you to try and gain some measure of justice against the people who killed you, Duncan.
We wrap up with some standard stuff. For example, Lois calls Superlad 'totally retarded'.
GA shows up and makes an incredibly laboured explanation about how his subtly foreshadowed electromagnetic arrow fried the electromagnetic Duncan poltergeist. "Man, even I got that," says Superlad. TIAC shows up and assures GA he's hot. GA fishes for a 'thank you' for providing TIAC with the Phantom Zone satellite photos, but TIAC ain't forthcoming.
GA leaves, muttering to himself about country bumpkins lacking even the most basic of manners. "Don't say thank you. Don't knock. Don't know the meaning of the word 'denouement'."
He heads over to the mansion to chat with Sinead and perhaps bury some of the bad blood between them. "I should be dead," says Sinead.
"Well, you would have done the same thing for me," says GA, effortlessly taking Superlad's credit for the Duncan-defeatin'. "Right?"
Sinead ignores this question. "Thanks," he says.
GA goes on, pleased Sinead has shown some common courtesy even as he implied he'd happily have let GA rot to death. "I'm not proud of how I acted at Degrassi High," GA says. "Some of my dialogue readings, for example, were really rather stilted. I also really regret treating you like a little bald freak. And the whole Duncan death thing. That sucked too."
Sinead takes the apology in good spirits. "I regret ever thinking I needed friends like you," he says. Pow! Slammed him down. GA skulks off. Sure, he might win a fist fight against the Luthor lad. But he's no match for him in the verbal stoushes.
Good stuff. Anything that involves small boys being beaten to a pulp and hit suddenly by cars earns a couple of bonus points from me. Total score: 2
Next week: Spike-iac is back! And he's Down Under. Maybe I'll invite him around for dinner.
Begone,
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