THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7 / 10 
4: Porthos Takes It Easy
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
We open at one of Porthos's infamous dinner parties for the wealthy and corrupt. By dangling a sparkling diamond necklace in front of Senator Boring Old Ma, he has managed to lead her all the way from the farm kitchen down the highway to Metropolis where she is now his special guest.
Also making an appearance at the ball is Lois. She is accompanied by her breasts and Green Arrow. Lois immediately sets about insulting other guests with her usual abrasive candour, while Porthos makes a speech to the assembled guests.
"This is Senator Boring Old Ma. You should give her money in exchange for political favours." Porthos, eschewing his usual subtlety.
Before Senator Boring Old Ma can dazzle us with her homespun farmyard aphorisms, a lone arrow flies through the air and takes the lights out. Then, the (now in costume) Green Arrow flies in, grabs her necklace and scarpers.
Lois takes off in luke-warm pursuit. She tries to hit Green Arrow with a serving tray but only succeeds in removing a ring that dangles from his neck.
After the opening credits, Lois is being debriefed by the typically incompetent Luthorian security. "What do you think is a good name for this scoundrel?" they ask.
"The Green Arrow Bandit," says Lois, for somebody's been fooling with the teleprompter.
"Very well. He shall be known as... The Green Arrow," say the security guards, not deviating from the script even a single iota. "Now put your briefs back on."
Green Arrow returns, now out of costume. As does Superlad.
"You must be Superlad," says GA.
"And you must be Aquaman," says Superlad.
"That didn't work out."
GA blushes. "Actually, no," he says. "That didn't work out. Besides, didn't you meet Aquaman last year?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" says Superlad, despite the fact GA already clearly does, and they shake hands in macho, size-comparing fashion.
This masculine banter goes on for a while, until Superlad announces his motivation for the episode. "I must regain the stolen necklace to ensure my mother is not indebted to Porthos." He looks over to the writers. "Really?" he says. "That's it?"
Back at the mansion and Sinead and Lana have returned from a game of chaseys. Waiting there is Doctor Four-Eyes, one of Sinead's leading research scientists.
"We need to talk," he says. "In private."
"You can say anything in front of Lana," says Sinead.
"It's about 'the device'."
"Ah," says Sinead, instantly regretting the bravado of his previous sentence. Then figures what the hell, it will all go over her head anyway.
Doctor Four-Eyes demonstrates the device (a purple pet rock) and makes all kinds of unsubstantiated claims about how it could solve the world's energy crises or (as an alternative) could be used as an unstoppable weapon.
"If it's so dangerous, shouldn't you hand it into the government?" says Lana.
And Sinead and Doctor Four-Eyes laugh and laugh and laugh.
Over at Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters, Lois has shown up to get TIAC's help on the Green Arrow story. She hands TIAC the ring she pulled from the Green Arrow before he disappeared.
"There's some writing on the inside, but it's too faded to read," says Lois.
TIAC throws the ring into a convenient fireplace, fishes it out and squints. "One ring to rule them all, one ring to... something." But before she can read any further, an arrow flies through the air into the wall. At the first sign of gas, TIAC is falling down unconscious. Lois, typically ovine, decides to go along with TIAC and she, too, tumbles to the ground asleep.
Green Arrow, disguised as a Nazgul, steals the ring and immediately sets course for Mordor. When that seems too far, he just heads back to his apartment instead.
Now it can be tiring to engage in constant battles of wits with sons and budding superheroes half one's age, so Porthos has decided to give himself a break. He's summoned Lana.
"If you've called me here to discuss my relationship with Sinead..." begins Lana.
"... That would be wildly inappropriate," ends Porthos. "Unless you consider that last time we spoke, we were discussing which one of us got to kill him."
He goes on to mention his concerns about Sinead's pet purple rock of infinite power. To amuse himself, he also claims that Sinead has finally met his equal in Lana, a joke that flies straight over her pretty little head. He moves on to more overt talk.
"Once Sinead unravels the secret of his pet rock, the world will be in enormous peril."
"What do you think we should do?" asks Lana.
"Frankly, I'm still for killing him," says Porthos, pouring himself a scotch.
Meanwhile, Lois and (Uncostumed) Green Arrow are having one of Smallville's famed political debates.
"I think (Costumed) Green Arrow may be more than he appears," says GA, showing off by talking in parentheses. "I believe he robs from the rich to give to the poor."
"That's Communist talk!" says Lois, a staunch capitalist and singlet-wearer. "You bleeding heart pacifist!"
"You knee-jerk fascist!" says GA.
"Well, one thing we can both agree on," says Lois, bringing this political thinkfest to a halt. "Is that we're both incredibly pleasing to the eye." And they shake on it.
Thrilled with how much he enjoyed toying with Lana, Porthos decides it's time for another hopeless mental mismatch. He summons Superlad to visit him on the set of a dock.
He makes up all kinds of lies about how much people enjoyed hanging out with Senator Boring Old Ma at the ball. Superlad, in turn, hands him a list of all the people who have been robbed by the Green Arrow.
"Here's something that might interest you," says Porthos, after glancing through it. "Unless you've noticed already," he jokes. "There's only one person who uses the Luthor security firm who hasn't been robbed by the Green Arrow."
And so with the aid of Porthos's effortless crime-solving, Superlad intercepts GA at the next robbery. There's a bit of showpony tumbling and mid-air arrow-catching and tossing GA around the room and so forth, but eventually GA escapes by distracting Superlad with a moral quandary (ie he taser-arrows the shit out of some hapless security guard).
"Dr Four-Eyes heroically suppresses his guffaws"
Time for a bit of light-heartedness as Lana intercepts Dr Four-Eyes and tries to blackmail him into rejecting any potential Porthos bribery. Dr Four-Eyes heroically suppresses his guffaws until after Lana steps out of the elevator ("I believe this is my floor," she says, despite the fact it's clearly the mansion trash compactor. "Good day, sir.")
Back at the Death Claw and Lois is being kidnapped by a pair of ruffians. She fights back with her usual moxie, phoning TIAC and screaming for help, even as she is being dragged away. Superlad, who'd been over at Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters preventing TIAC from working as usual, zips back to Smallville, only to find her gone.
(Out of Costume) GA wanders in as well. "Looks like someone took her," says Superlad, bringing GA right up to date. He goes on to totally dis the (In Costume) Green Arrow, accusing him of being 'without honour', 'a shameless Batman rip-off' and 'not as handsome as me'.
GA rejects all three of those claims. He also points out that the only items GA steals are those that were, themselves, stolen from Columbian drug mules, who in turn stole them from fascist overlords, who won them on a corrupt 50s quiz show.
"Whatever," says Superlad, bored with politics.
GA, eye always on the prize, wanders off to find Lois, while Superlad gets a call from TIAC, who sends him an image of a crest she photographed earlier on GA's ring. This is particularly startling for Superlad, who was unaware Lois's phone even had MMS capabilities.
Superlad recognises the crest. He zips over to GA's place, uncovers his secret identity and also the arrow-cave, hidden behind a giant clock. He also finds a talking computer, which helpfully tells him where to find both Lois and GA.
Lois has by now been entered in a wet T-shirt competition by the thugs that kidnapped her. They prepare her for this by dunking her in a tank of water. Then they prep her for the question and answer segment of the competition. "Who is the Green Arrow?" they ask.
"I don't know," says Lois, failing hopelessly.
This is clearly not good enough to win, so the villain (the head of the Luthors' inept security firm) orders her to be killed. And you thought the Miss America Pageant was tough! The thugs shoot Lois, but (Costumed) GA shows up and shoots the bullet in mid-flight with an arrow. Damn, that's good shootin'.
There's a bit more biff, and further gas, which renders everybody unconscious again. "I don't know why that keeps happening," says GA, aware that the smoke-arrow is just dry ice. He picks Lois up and takes her to safety.
Does Lois appreciate this? No, she does not. She kicks him in the balls, steals his bow and arrow and threatens to unmask him. But before she can do so, Superlad creates a diversion by heat-visioning all the lights out, which allows GA to race off on a motor bike, which he stunt-rides in a predictably showy manner.
So there we are. Sinead and Lana wrap up their little subplot, with Sinead and Porthos sitting around a room, watching the videotape of Lana's attempted blackmail, having a hearty laugh. "We should post that on YouTube," says Sinead. "Yeah," says Porthos, completely clueless as to what Sinead's talking about.
Finally, Superlad and GA meet in the barn and have a manly chat about heroism and secret identities. They eventually agree that secret identities are 'awesome' and that they should form the Justice League in a future episode. Then GA gives Superlad the diamond necklace back.
"Why have you given me this?" says Superlad.
"Wasn't this your motivation for the whole damn episode?" says GA.
"Was it?"
GA sighs. Maybe he'll recruit some other JLA members first.
Next week: GA and Sinead go to their school reunion. They make fun of their classmates who haven't established themselves in the DC Universe.
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