THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.7 / 10 
3: Vine! Be Like That.
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Every now and then, people who have decoded the acronym TIAC, ask me why? Why, they say, do you call Chloe 'Increasingly Annoying'? I always invite these less-observant Smallvillean viewers to choose an older episode at random and compare her earlier antics to her antics in the most recent episode. Invariably, she is more annoying in the most recent episode. Hence, the accurate acronym.
And so it is this episode, with TIAC-speak babbling into dangerous new brooks. But we'll get to that later. For now, let's begin, as is traditional, with TIAC and Jimmy-James Olsen hanging out at Inspiration Point. They're just chillin' in the Olsen-mobile, watching other couples make out (Joanie and Chachi, Richie and Lori Beth, Pottsie and Ralph Malph), taking notes, drawing elaborate diagrams and so forth.
Eventually, they think the've got the hang of it and after our first example of TIAC-speak ('we planted our flag on the summit of intimate territory') for the episode, they're at it. Which is a shame, because they mostly miss some creepy forest monster killing a young lady by shoving a tree up her butt.
Still, they find the body. Which is the next best thing, surely?
After the opening credits, we're back at the barn, where Senator Boring Old Ma is planning on attending some fancy dress charity ball Sinead is throwing to help people recover from the horrors of the season opener (ie the lame deus ex machina of the S Symbol). She reveals she's RSVP'd for two.
"Oh, thanks Ma," says Superlad. "But I don't think I'll go." Senator Boring Old Ma smiles and ruffles his hair. Thank god he has powers, she thinks.
Over at Luthor Mansion, Lana's in a snit. Some newspaper has decreed her to be the new 'Sinead Girl' and she likes this not one iota. Even when one of Sinead's omnipresent brunettes compliments her complexion, she take this as an opportunity to whine bitterly rather than, say, plug Nutrogena™.
"I'm not the next Sinead Girl!" she snaps.
"Dude, I didn't write the article," points out Sinead. He tells her a heart-rending story of how when he was thirteen, he found out about his mother's death via the press and how he's learned to live with the media intrusion and that he would be happy to help her get accustomed to their foibles.
"Also, this photo makes me look fat," complains Lana.
Time for some more TIAC-speak. Superlad's shown up and before he can sit down, she's at him with her tale of the dead tree-chick. "Girl and guy decide to make like the birds and the bees. Girl gets her wings cut. Guy buzzes off."
"What are you talking about?" says Superlad. "Talk normally! Also, what were you doing at Inspiration Point?"
TIAC looks away, as Jimmy-James wanders in. "What's up, CK?" says Jimmy-James.
"'That's Mr Kent to you,' says Superlad."
"That's Mr Kent to you," says Superlad.
Back at the barn, Green Arrow has shown up to drop off a letter ('R', I think). For no good reason, Lois is in the house and gives GA a tip (a shiny Moroccan dirham) and sends him on his way.
GA pockets the money and scarpers. That's why he's a billionaire.
Superlad's in the forest while this is going on, looking for clues about the forest monster. Instead, a cute Park Ranger shows up and flirts with Superlad.
"They find the body yet?" she says. For this is how rangers flirt. They don't get out much.
"Sure. It's over there," says Superlad, cheating with the X-peepers, as you'd expect.
Turns out the guy's alive and encased in vines. Superlad tries to get him free but cuts his hand on the ouchy thorns. "You're bleeding," says TIAC, showing up in time to state the, uh, bleeding obvious.
They get the vined guy to the hospital and, after distracting the doctors with a hastily-organised pharmaceutical convention, sneak in to examine his chart. Jimmy-James takes a photo of his X-Ray. Somehow this triggers a heated dispute about whether or not TIAC is Jimmy-James' girl. Superlad is left with little choice but to interrupt.
"This isn't the time or the place," he says. "Or the time."
"Yeah, you're right, CK," says Jimmy-James.
"Mister Kent." And he wags a stern finger.
But we've already cut to the next scene, which is Superlad wandering around Sinead's greenhouse uninvited.
"You've always had an eye for beauty," interrupts Sinead.
"Oh yeah? Says you," says Superlad, itching for a fight.
"Well, it does explain why you kissed me the day we first met."
"That was mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" protests Superlad.
"Of course it was," says Sinead. "Look, I'm all out of evil this episode. And can barely muster even the most basic homoerotic tension. You might have to try some other source of villainy and sex appeal. Also, dude? Come on. I know you're a simple farmboy, but let's get with the whole 'knocking' program, huh?"
Lana, meanwhile, has come up with some flimsy excuse to talk to TIAC (something about returning a breast implant brochure). They head up to the attic to talk.
"Sinead seems to think I'm dragging Superlad's ghost around with me."
"Superlad's ghost, you say?" says TIAC, giving a thumbs up to the writers.
And then some laborious explanations from Lana about how it's not a real ghost, followed by her prattling on about trust issues. TIAC ends the conversation with her most ludicrous metaphor to date. "Sinead wouldn't be my first choice. He wouldn't even be on my list," she says, as Lana shoots her a hateful glare. "You can't just sit safely by the water and watch all the happy people splashing around. Eventually you have to grow some fins and dive in."
"I should date Aquaman?" says Lana, wondering why in blue blazes she came to TIAC of all people for advice.
"She (Ranger Cutie) strangles him with vines while he (Jimmy-James) fumbles around with a log."
Over at the forest, Jimmy-James has got himself attacked by Ranger Cutie, who also happens to be the forest monster. She strangles him with vines while he fumbles around with a log.
Elsewhere, GA has decided to do a scene without a shirt, to the delight of Lois, who has brought him a fruit basket. After some shameless banter, GA insists Lois join him at the costume ball, dressed as Maid Marian.
"Is this some kinky sex thing?" asks Lois.
"Of course not."
"Oh." Because, really? The sans shirt thing's working for him.
By now, TIAC and Superlad have deduced that Ranger Cutie is an alien creature, as this is the only explanation as to how the thorns could have cut Superlad. Well, that, or several hundred other explanations. But this is the one they're going with. (Previous conversation on this topic: TIAC: "Which begs the obvious question, since not even Obi-Wan's light saber can (unintelligible) your (unintelligible), how did a little vine cut through it?" Superlad: "Now you're babbling and mumbling!")
Superlad zips back to the forest to sort it out.
There Ranger Cutie explains how she's an alien that escaped from The Phantom Zone back in the season opener. "Remember how you opened the back door to sneak out of there and left that girl to die?" she says.
"Not really," says Superlad. For it was two whole episodes ago.
So she wraps Superlad up in some of her crushy vines, strangling him into unconsciousness.
Over at the ball and Sinead is wandering around dressed as, uh, Russell Crowe. Lana shows up, dressed as Meg Ryan (take that, gossip mags from the year 2000!) while some band caterwauls in the background.
GA and an even more buxom than usual Lois show up and bicker playfully, with GA making tongue references, while Lois retorts with unabashed quiver talk. "Hey," says GA. "There's Sinead. Let's go snark at him."
And they do. As always, when former boarding school boys get together, there's talk of inflatable sex toys and this occasion is no different.
"That's not an inflatable doll," says Sinead. "That's Lana."
"Oh," says GA. "Really?" And pokes her, to be sure.
TIAC has found Superlad by now, and kills the vines. "How did you kill it?" says Superlad.
"Biology 101. Electricity de-(unintelligible)'s enyzmes."
Superlad cringes and starts to wrap himself back in the vines. Anything to avoid listening to her gibbering.
But it's too late. The vines are dead. So instead he runs over to Sinead's greenhouse, zaps the sprinklers and a light switch with the ol' heat vision and kills Ranger Cutie. Once again, plant life succumbs to the murderous might of (super)mankind!
So there we have it. TIAC, of course, defibrillates Jimmy-James. Just for the hell of it. She goes to say something, but Jimmy-James puts a finger to her lips. "Enough for one episode," he says.
GA shows off to Lois by shooting an arrow at a tin can in exchange for a kiss (just as they did in medieval times). He misses, but not really, secretly removing the ring pull of the can with the tip of his arrow. He'd rather perform a trick arrow shot that nobody can actually appreciate than suck face with the hot chick. Billionaires are weird.
And Sinead talks romance with Lana. "Happiness is just euphoria," is his argument. "And euphoria? Mere happiness." Lana has no comeback to this, so instead removes his armour as they sink into one's arms in front of the fireplace.
And Superlad? He ends the episode bouncing a radical rubber ball to himself. Awesome!
Next week: Gosh. Who knows? Maybe some more wealth creation tips from Green Arrow.
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Begone,
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