THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7 / 10 
22: The Wraith of Zod
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Okay, people. Season finale time. We begin with a neat recap of the entire season, thereby rendering the previous twenty-one episodes obsolete. Neat. That'll save on DVD production costs.
Then we begin the episode proper. Like all good season finales, this one begins in Quebec with a dying old man. He is being read his last rites by a priest (Max von Sydow). Who should show up to witness the old man's demise but J'onn J'onnz, the Martian Manhunter.
But the old man will have no Martians beside his goddamn deathbed. He gets up and pulls out JJ's heart. Ouch! JJ punches him in the face. The old man punches him back, hitting him into outer space. While this is all going on, von Sydow is continuing with the last rites. The man's a pro.
Suddenly Sinead and an army of his security team show up, terrifying the wraith that was inside the old man's body out. Dude, it's Sinead's security. Nothing to fear there.
We do our little credit dance, and then sit back down for a Porthos-Sinead chat back at the mansion. There's the usual sniping. They bicker about the YouTube video of the wrath they've both been watching over the past few weeks. "You must have addled Lana's mind with one of your Jedi tricks to get her to give you the URL," says Sinead.
"What is this 'Jedi' of which you speak?"
Sinead doesn't answer him. "Y'know, Lana loves me."
Porthos can barely control his laughter. "Pshaw. Whatever." He then goes on to tell Sinead how he (Sinead) is probably hopeless with the ladies as a result of, y'know, the dead mother. Which is a low blow, even for Porthos.
"You're once, twice, three times a lady?"
Meanwhile, Senator Boring Old Ma is off to Washington. Superlad comes in to say goodbye. "Y'know," he says. "If you're half the senator you are as a mother, then you'll be, uh--" He looks down at his notes. "No, wait. If you're two-thirds of a senator, but--" He turns the piece of paper around. Squints at it. "You're once, twice, three times a lady?"
Senator Boring Old Ma ignores him. "Superlad, I know this has been a difficult season for you. Especially that episode where Lana and Sinead got married. Oh, and that stupid one with the 1940s flashback."
"That was stupid, wasn't it?"
Senator Boring Old Ma nods. "My point is this: feel free to move out of this farm anytime you want to. Because, really, a hunk of a man living all alone with a bunch of farmyard animals? That's not right."
Lois, meanwhile, is doing some investigative reporting. Or some damn thing. Just before her friend, Bucky, died at the end of last week's episode, he muttered some numbers. She's been trying to track down their significance. TIAC shows up to help.
"Well, these are the numbers from Lost," she says, pulling up one scrap of paper. "And this is part of Superlad's farewell speech to his mother. And this is... a proof of Fermat's Last Theorem? Frankly, I don't think you're going to get anywhere with any of this."
"Not with you noising up the place with your book-learnin'," says Lois. "Now scoot." And she shoos TIAC off, before deciding to look up the answer in the back of the textbook. It gives her some latitude and longitude co-ordinates. She sighs and reaches for an atlas.
Lana has made her way over to the barn. She tells Superlad she's leaving Sinead.
"Awesome!" says Superlad. He moves in for the high-five, but Lana pulls out.
"I came here to say goodbye," she says. "Sinead's going to be royally pissed when he finds out. So I have to get my petite caboose outta here."
"Don't you worry about your caboose," says Superlad. "I'm totally tough. I can protect you. It'll be like that Whitney Houston movie."
"Yes," says Lana. "I will always love you. But you can't protect me this time." She goes to leave. Superlad zips down in front of her at superspeed.
"It's time for me to tell you the truth," he says.
"I already know about your powers," says Lana.
"Okay. But you also need to know that the Whitney Houston movie I was thinking of was Glitter."
"Oooo-kay..." says Lana.
"Also, I'm an alien from the planet Krypton, rocketed to Earth as a child by my father Jor-El to fight a never-ending battle for truth, justice and the way of whatever country I happened to land in."
"That still doesn't explain why you've seen Glitter," she says. Then pauses. "Ah, what the hell. You've still got a bod to swoon for." And she kisses him. But she refuses to stick around, post-kiss. Firstly, because Porthos has threatened to kill him if she ever leaves Sinead. And secondly, because she needs to find some mouthwash, quick-smart. Because, y'know, she just kissed a freakin' space alien!! Ewww! Barf!
Superlad, therefore, heads off to hurl Porthos around his (Porthos's) office a little. Porthos does some fast-talkin' about a wraith from the Phantom Zone and how Sinead's tracking it to help build his army of super-soldiers and how he (Porthos) had to trick Lana into marrying Sinead so she could spy on Sinead and deliver to him (Porthos) crucial information on the wraith hunt.
Superlad pauses. "But why would you use Lana to spy on people? That makes no sense."
"I-- I-- make poor spy choices," says Porthos, shrugging. "Cloned little girls. Zombies. Lana. It's my one weakness."
But Superlad's not listening. He goes to throw a killer punch, but is stopped by J'onn J'onzz at the third-last second.
"Stop," says JJ. "Porthos is an emissary of the SS Jor-El."
Boo-yah! It's not a season finale until the SS Jor-El shows up.
"Way back in the opening episode of this season, when nobody but the writers were looking, the SS Jor-El possessed my body," 'explains' Porthos. "I started writing in Kryptonian. I wrote the symbol for 'Plot Contrivance'."
"It was a beacon that summoned me here," says JJ. "When Krypton exploded, the SS Jor-El charged me with the task of watching over you. It took me six seasons to get here, because I had to stop off at Nebula Nubila, The Space Strip Club and bring some very, very bad girls to justice." He winks like an oversexed Martian idiot.
"I don't understand a word of this," says Superlad. And, for once, he's not the only one. Porthos cuts to the chase and explains how the wraith is looking for a Kryptonian body to take over.
"So, off you trot," says Porthos.
By now, Lana's back at the mansion, ending it with Sinead.
"I'm ending it," she says.
"Seeya."
"Seriously," she says. "I'm going."
"Fine," says Sinead. He waves goodbye and goes to make a phone call.
"Because you faked my pregnancy to get me to marry you."
He puts his hand over the mouth piece. "I didn't, actually, but that's okay. Just leave."
"I've always loved Superlad."
"I know, I know," he says. He makes the shooing-off gesture.
"The only way you can make me stay in this mansion is to kill me."
He sighs and slaps her. "Just go. Get outta here. I'm sick to freaking death of you." We all are, Sinead. We all are.
Back at Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters, Superlad explains to TIAC that Lana knows about his powers and also the Kryptonian stuff.
"Looks like we have a new member of the 'We Know Superlad's Secret' club." says TIAC.
"We're thinking of changing the name to the 'No Sineads' club," says Superlad. "Look. I made a sign." And he holds it up proudly, misspellings and all.
Lois, meanwhile, has followed the co-ordinates from the back of the textbook into the underbelly of a dam. Dam Security sends her on her way. But Lois ain't going. She kicks the guy in the face and steals his gun. Luckily, he has a spare knife and stabs her in the gut. Way to protect your dam, fella.
With her dying breath, Lois sends a text message to TIAC. "TIAC," she SMS's.
Porthos, meanwhile, is trying to stop Lana from doing anything stupid. "You want to see stupid?" she says. And she starts an exploding car and blows herself to pieces.
"Yeah, that'll do it," says Porthos.
But who really thinks Lana is dead? Anybody? Sacha? No. That's right. Lana's not dead. Lana can never die.
"She BLEW UP!" he shouts. "From A BOMB! In her CAR!"
Despite this, Superlad's pissed when Porthos breaks the news to him in the next scene. There's a bit of confusion as Porthos initially tries to speak euphemistically. "She's gone," he says. When Superlad requests clarification, Porthos obliges. "She BLEW UP!" he shouts. "From A BOMB! In her CAR!"
Superlad races off to beat the snot out of Sinead.
TIAC has found Lois. She's also DEAD! From a KNIFE WOUND! In her GUT! TIAC holds her and overacts. Suddenly, a blinking light emerges from her forehead and brings Lois back to life, but at the apparent cost of her own fool existence. As far as meteor rock powers go, this is what's known as a Bum Deal™.
Further along in the dam, Sinead's captured a small boy who is the current host of the wraith. He plans to use its alien DNA to power up his super-soldiers. Professor Panicky from last episode draws some blood out of him and examines it.
"Looks like your fleet of fighters are about to get their jet fuel," says Professor Panicky, suddenly overcome with metaphor.
"The kid has jet fuel for blood?" says Sinead. But before Professor Panicky can clarify, the kid wakes up and starts tearing henchmen to pieces. Professor Panicky races to the escape exit, but not as quickly as Sinead, who's set a cracking pace. He locks the door behind him.
While the wraith murders the professor, Superlad races in and pushes Sinead into the wall. "Why did you have to kill Lana?" he says.
"Firstly, I didn't," he replies. "But secondly, have you tried living with that harpy? Sure, she's pretty in that plastic CGI way she has. But, my god, what a petulant, self-absorbed sow of a woman."
Before Sinead can push this barrow any further, the wraith shows up. Sinead decides it's time to put his running shoes on again. He races to his Porsche and drives off. The police immediately arrest him for Third Degree Fleeing From A Phantom Zone Wraith and First Degree Murder.
The wraith, meanwhile, has sucked some DNA out of Superlad's body and and used it to create a new replica bizarro body for himself. The pair of them tussle all over the place. Porthos tries to help by shoving some kryptonite in the Bizarro Superlad's chest. In true Bizarro fashion, this just makes him stronger. He punches Superlad out and flies through the dam wall into next season.
So... another season done. Lana (ostensibly) dead. TIAC (seemingly) dead also. Lois reincarnated. Sinead arrested. Porthos possessed by the SS Jor-El. And Senator Boring Old Ma? Caught up in the off-screen filibuster to end all off-screen filibusters.
Next season: We sort this mess out.
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