THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.8 / 10 
21: Put Your Head On My Soldier
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
We open with a Luthorcorp facility under attack. Sirens are blaring, sections are being compromised, security teams are being killed. Heck, even the (frankly misplaced) china cabinet has been destroyed.
Sinead and a panicky scientist watch the intruder's progress on various computer monitors. Finally, the intruder breaks into their room.
"Mission accomplished," he says.
"Hell yeah!" says Sinead, for this was simply a test run of Sinead's new super-soldier, who he has dubbed Captain USA until they can work through the trademark issues.
After the opening credits, Lana and Sinead are in the mansion, discussing whether or not she should get a servant to brush her teeth for her. On the one hand, she is a billionaire these days. On the other hand, what if the servant is inept and keeps stabbing her inside cheek in the process? Much to ponder.
Sinead is interrupted by Senator Tedious from last week. They discuss Sinead's super-soldier project and the fact that he's gearing up to build several hundred thousand super-soldiers when, in fact, the government had authorised a much smaller number (one).
"How long do you think you can keep what you're doing a secret?" asks Senator Tedious. "Just last episode one of my men discovered a mole in your own backyard."
"... he had all mansion wildlife killed in the Small Mammal Purge of Season Two."
"Oh, we don't have moles," says Sinead. For he had all mansion wildlife killed in the Small Mammal Purge of Season Two.
"Nevertheless," says Senator Tedious. "I hereby decree Project Ares terminated."
"Project Ares?" says Sinead. "That's not the name we agreed upon."
"We cannot call it Project Hell-Yeah."
"Nuts to you!"
Over in Metropolis, Porthos is watching YouTube footage of some monster eating people. As the video stutters mid-download, he notices some Kryptonian symbols on the monster's earrings. He copies them down, before being interrupted by Superlad.
"We have to talk," says Superlad. "What do you know about Lana?"
"Short CGI girl?" says Porthos. "Married to Sinead? Can't act to save herself?"
"That's the one."
"I certainly didn't convince her to go through with the marriage to Sinead, if that's what you're asking," he says, getting straight to the point in a decidedly un-Luthorian fashion.
"If I find out you did," says Superlad. "The gloves will come off." He looks at his bare hands. "Well, I'll put some gloves on first. And then they'll come off."
Over at The Death Claw, TIAC is moping about Jimmy-James, who left the show last week. Even for Smallville, this is implausible, so we instead follow Lois out to confront Senator Tedious.
"I have evidence of your corruption!" says Lois.
"Prrffrtt," says the Senator. "Who doesn't?"
But before he can storm off snootily, Captain USA emerges and kills him and all his security guards. He zips off, but not before Lois recognises him.
The next day TIAC fills Superlad in on the Senator's murder. She is of the opinion it's a gangland hit.
"Looks like he crossed the mafia and they gave him the Fredo treatment."
"They have hobbits in the mob now?" says Superlad.
TIAC ignores him. "But Lois doesn't think it was the mafia at all."
"Right," says Lois. "It was an old school friend of mine named Bucky. He emerged from nowhere and slaughtered everybody."
"I wonder if they call themselves 'mobbits'," says Superlad.
TIAC and Lois can't pay any heed to Superlad's rambling. They have important exposition to impart. They explain to one another how Bucky was one of the best soldiers in the army and how, even though the military reported him dead a few months ago, he clearly isn't, because that was definitely him all right.
By now, Captain USA has returned to home base, where Professor Panicky from the opening scene examines him. "The butchering of Senator Tedious went off perfectly," he says. "Although there was a witness."
"A witness?" says Sinead. "Nothing can get in the road of Project Hell-Yeah. Send him out again to kill the witness."
"But doesn't that run the risk of creating even more witnesses?"
"I don't have time for your sensible objections," says Sinead.
And he's right. He doesn't. Because that scene's over.
Back at the farm and Superlad's talked Lois into moving into the barn for her safety. "You just want to catch me in the shower again, don't you?" says Lois.
"Of course," says Superlad. Because he's seen the recent ratings.
"We'll see what we can do," says Lois. "But only if Senator Boring Old Ma uses her senatorial influence to access Top Secret military files on Bucky."
"I don't see why not," says Senator Boring Old Ma, despite the clear legal impediments. She leaves to find her Rolodex™. Almost instantly, Captain USA emerges from an invisible state, punches Superlad in the face, grabs Lois and disappears.
Superlad decides the best thing to do would be to discuss this with TIAC. Unfortunately, she is still in exposition mode. She confirms that Captain USA has the abilities of numerous kryptovillains, but without the requisite obsession with Lana. He also has the strength of that wrestler from several episodes ago. Also, he was married to that chick who set off all the bombs in the sewers.
"Do you know where he is?" says Superlad.
"No. The military computers have proved imposs--"
Superlad halts her with a dismissive hand. "Then you are of no further use to me. I'm going to go visit Lana."
"Yes," says TIAC. "She could help you find out more about what Sinead is up to."
"Uh, yeah," says Superlad. "Right."
Over at the mansion, Sinead has been summoned by one of his henchmen, who reports that Captain USA has gone missing. They skulk off to discuss it off-camera, which gives Superlad an opportunity to sneak in and talk to Lana about Sinead and his evil involvement with Captain USA and the kidnapping of Lois.
"Why did you marry Sinead?" says Superlad, even less focused than usual.
"We all have our secrets, Superlad," says Lana.
"Pshaw!" says Superlad. "My secrets are, like, totally off the planet" - he turns and winks at the camera - "Yours are just about, y'know, skin care and stuff."
Before Lana can incorrectly object, we head over to some military base where Lois is talking sense into Captain USA. She tells him the story of how when they were horny young teens she kissed him and he threw up. "So shake off this automaton assassin behaviour right now, mister!" she says.
No dice. "Eliminate target," says Captain USA.
"Concentrate!!" says Lois. "Remember me!!"
And he shakes his head, which knocks all the crazy murder programming clear out of his cranium. "Lois," he says. And throws up on her.
Back at the military base, Sinead's giving Professor Panicky a dressing down. PP's babbling about nucleotides and molecular strains and the like.
"This is no time for random chemical jargon, Professor," says Sinead. "Now turn the Luthor satellite on and reprogram him back into a murderer."
Back at the farm, TIAC and Senator Boring Old Ma have combined forces to effortlessly determine the location of Captain USA and Lois. They distract Superlad from the X-Box™ long enough to send him on his way.
The satellite has finished reprogramming Captain USA and he's back in 'Kill Lois' mode. She runs around the military compound, damsel-ing it up, until Captain USA chokes her into unconsciousness. That's Superlad's cue to show up, and he does. There's a depressingly lame fight, which ends with Superlad heat-visioning the life out of Captain USA. Uh, somehow.
"He throws up on her and dies."
And that's it. Captain USA has a drawn out death scene which is theoretically moving. Lois regains consciousness and urges him to hold on to life. But he can't. He throws up on her and dies.
Meanwhile, back at the Kent farm, Porthos materialises in a puff of blue smoke. "I am here to offer you a role as a US Senator," he says to Senator Boring Old Ma.
"I thought she already was a Boring Senator," says Superlad.
"She's currently a Boring State Senator. I'm offering her a role as a Boring Federal Senator."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," says Superlad. "Slow down, Professor Politics. This is not The West Wing."
"You're telling me," mutters Porthos. But it's too late. Before Superlad's wrapped his head around anything, Senator Boring Old Ma has moved to Washington to become a Senator.
"Look out for those mobbits!" warns Superlad.
He heads over to Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters to prevent TIAC from getting any work done. Lois shows up to help. She makes a lengthy, passionate speech about how Sinead's escaped justice and stolen Bucky's body and she'll avenge his death and Sinead had better watch out for her, because she's coming to get him. She strides off.
"That skirt was hideous," says Superlad.
Oh, and Sinead and Lana have a scene in the mansion where he informs her that a) she is not a cat (?!?) and b) if she betrays him, he doesn't know what he'll do... but unleashing an army of super-soldiers is well up on the list of possibilities.
Next week: It's the season finale. Let's hope the SS Jor-El can get muddled up in it somehow.
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Begone,
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