THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 6
Score: 8 / 10 
13: Lois Dressed Like A Slut!
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
It's Valentine's Day! Or, at the very least, it's the Valentine's Day episode, which is surely the next best thing. It begins with TIAC, eager to gloat about her 'have-boyfriend' status, dragging Superlad to the Annual Metropolis Valentine's Day Ball.
"Come on, Superlad," she says. "Spend some time here and your achey breaky heart will go away in no time."
"Can you put that in writing?" asks Superlad.
"No. But I can put it in the form of a worldwide smash hit single that everybody will look back upon and go 'huh?!!?'"
Meanwhile, with vast simultaneity, Jimmy-James Olsen is dragging Lois to the exact same Annual Metropolis Valentine's Day Ball. His nefarious scheme? To pair up Superlad and Lois.
"That's crazy talk," says TIAC. "Those two don't belong together." As always, oblivious to the Superman mythos irony.
After some awkward halibut banter, Lois leaves Superlad to talk to a mysterious lipstick saleswoman. The mysterious lipstick saleswoman offers Lois lipstick laced with Red K, which will cause her to fall in love with the first man she sees.
Despite the ludicrous premise and grave risks (what if, for example, the first man she saw was Neil Patrick Harris??), Lois dons the lipstick. Fortunately for lovers of comic hijinks everywhere, the first man she sees is Superlad.
So, next morning, after the credits, Lois shows up at the Kent farm, dressed in... well, dressed in not much at all.
"Yowsers!" says Superlad, eyes falling out of his head.
Lois slinks over to Superlad and caresses his hand. "Wow," she purrs moronically. "How did I never notice how sexy your cuticles were before?"
"I dunno," says Superlad. For, in truth, this has always been a mystery to him. "What's going on?"
"You know me," says Lois. "I'm not very good with words, so..."
"... you thought you'd dress up like a whore?"
"So you thought you'd dress up like a whore?"
"Ha ha ha," laughs Lois throatily, before spluttering to a coughing halt. "You! No, I made you a mix CD."
And she did. And she hands it over to Superlad, who notices that she has, in fact, simply got him a copy of Remy Zero's Greatest Hits.
While Lois goes to put the CD on, Superlad takes the opportunity to run off to Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters. No hot woman is going to seduce him!
Meanwhile, Lana and TIAC are having a chat. Lana wants TIAC to be her Maid of Honour at the wedding. Because, y'know, she has no other friends.
"Sure," says TIAC, caught off guard and without a ready excuse.
"Now," says Lana, changing the subject wildly. "I'm not going to ask you to betray Superlad's secret, on the condition you'll stop denying he has one."
Cunning, thinks TIAC. Too cunning for Lana. Sinead must have told her to say that. She feigns an epileptic fit until Lana goes away.
TIAC gets up and heads off to Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters, wishing she'd thought of the epileptic thing sooner. Once she arrives, Superlad's there, complaining about Lois's lust for him.
Before TIAC can offer advice, Lois shows up. "Look what I've got for you, Superlad," she says, pulling her strap back.
"Breast implants?" says Superlad.
"No, a tattoo." And she has. It says 'Superlid Forever'.
TIAC takes the opportunity to fake another fit, leaving Lois to drag Superlad into a closet. She sucks impressive face with him, infecting him with Red K lust.
They find an abandoned boardroom and begin to tear one another's clothes off. "Wait," says Lois. "I've kissed you before. You're Green Arrow!"
"Prrffrt," says Superlad. "That lame-ass arrow-shooting, bow-wielding Robin Hood wannabe? He wishes."
"He is the leader of the Justice League," says Lois.
"Man, I'm more superhero than the rest of the Justice League combined. Come on, I'll show you."
Before that scene, however, Sinead and Lana are squabbling over whether or not they should reveal Lana's carrying some Luthor-spawn at tonight's engagement party. Lana's argument is that she doesn't want her night to be upstaged by an unborn urchin. Sinead's argument is that the engagement party is going to be as tedious as all get-out and some kind of bastard child scandal is going to be the only thing preventing him from passing out in the lobster bisque.
Eventually, they agree to disagree. Except for Lana, who disagrees to agree.
By this stage, Superlad's got Lois onto the roof of the Daily Planet, where he proceeds to show off by jumping with her all the way to Green Arrow's balcony.
"Kinda cool, I suppose," says Lois, sniffing. "Leaping tall buildings in a single bound is kinda 1940s though, isn't it?"
Superlad tears her top off by way of response.
Eventually, despite the mild ick factor involved, they prepare to shag in GA's apartment. They are interrupted by Superlad noticing an invitation to Lana and Sinead's engagement party.
"Why on Krypton would he invite GA?" says Superlad. "They've been enemies since High School!"
"He does have that awesome body," points out Lois.
This drives Superlad into some kind of unfocused jealous rage and he abandons the Lois-shagging to crash the party. TIAC, meanwhile, has delegated the investigation of Lois's lust for Superlad to Jimmy-James, who is burdened with a bow tie and a healthy dose of paranoia.
Jimmy-James makes his way to the mysterious lipstick saleswoman's mysterious lipstick store. "Did you infect Lois with lust madness?" he asks.
"Yeah."
"Can you stop it?"
"Sure." And she hands over some Green K lust-antidote. "I usually have a sixth sense about people. Something tells me Lois and Superlad's destiny is more intertwined than they realise." Which sounds impressive, until you notice the pile of old Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane comics in the corner.
Meanwhile, at the party, Sinead has just wiped the bisque off his face and prepared his speech, when Superlad bursts in.
"Yo, Sinead. You didn't think I'd miss this, did you?"
"For the love of--" mutters Sinead. When will he remember to hire some decent Security?
But there's no stopping Superlad. "My own mother," he says, turning to Senator Boring Old Ma. "You'd rather be here having dinner with the Luthors than out watching me and Lois have sex. What would Bo say?"
"You're not yourself," says Senator Boring Old Ma, deep in denial.
"And you're not... myself... either," says Superlad, becoming confused. He turns to TIAC.
"Not surprised you're here, TIAC," he says. "As soon as Lana's married to Sinead, your unrequited pining for me has one less obstacle. I mean, sure, you'll still have Lois to beat, and, frankly, that's not going to happen, but still..."
He next turns his attention to Lana.
"The only reason you're marrying Sinead is because you're impregnated with his bald child."
"The only reason you're marrying Sinead is because you're impregnated with his bald child."
He raises a glass and makes a toast to 'disrupting tedious parties by behaving like a tool'. Sinead can go along with that and decides to tackle Superlad, which, y'know, results in Sinead crashing through a glass sculpture of Miles Millar.
Superlad grabs Lana. "Come on, let's go back to my barn."
"Hey," says Lois, interrupting him. "Lana is your past. I'm your future," she says.
"This is the present," retorts Superlad.
"Does that mean you pick me?" tries TIAC. Superlad laughs himself silly. He eventually recovers and drags Lana away, while TIAC feigns yet another fit. Everybody just stands around and watches the kidnapping.
Jimmy-James shows up with the lust-cure. He sprays Lois, who (remarkably!) has lost all memory of the episode. Envious, we surge to the end, which consists of Superlad and Lana playing some angry tonsil hockey, Sinead showing up with a superfluous gun, Superlad choking Sinead through a barn wall, Sinead stabbing Superlad in the leg with something that actually hurts him before Senator Boring Old Ma cures him with some Green K from Bo's old whuppin' stash.
It's all wrapped up in the usual fashion. Sinead has a mysterious doctor investigate Lana and declare her pregnancy 'unusual, mysterious and proceeding dandily'. Lana, meanwhile, has kept the Superlad-stabbing implement Sinead used in the barn for future use. If Sinead's not going to hire some decent security, she's going to look after herself. Elsewhere, TIAC and Jimmy-James break up (something to do with TIAC calling the pair of them 'J-Clo'. Also, because TIAC won't admit that Superlad behaved like a tool. "So he trespassed onto the Luthor grounds and kidnapped Lana before attempting to murder Sinead," she says. "You can't arrest him for that." "Uh, yes you can." "Uh, no you can't," says TIAC, who knows far more about the Lazy Smallville Cops than Jimmy-James ever will).
Finally, Senator Boring Old Ma assures Superlad that Porthos has not replaced Bo. "Porthos is into stuff Bo wouldn't even consider," she says, eyes dreamy. She also suggests the Red K only released some of Superlad's inner desires.
"Are you saying I want to shag Lois, keep TIAC in my back pocket while the whole time I'm still in love with Lana?"
"Well... might be fun," says Senator Boring Old Ma. "Which reminds me. I have to go see Porthos." And off she goes, a skip in her step and lust in her loins.
A silly kinda episode. But Superlad on the Red K is always good for laughs. And any episode we end with TIAC feeling sorry for herself is always a hoot. So let's give this one a solid credit score and look forward to...
Next week: More TIAC misery, I'm sure.
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