THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 6
Score: 8.8 / 10 
11: Five Go Facility-Explodin'
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
OMG! OMG! OMG!
Sorry to come over all acronymey up there, but after such an episode, I don't think I can be relied upon to type full words out. Oh, wait. Looking back over that previous sentence, it seems as if I can. Good news indeed. I shall continue in an acronym-free vein.
This episode sees, finally, the formation of the nascent Justice League. And what a nascent Justice League it turns out to be. But I'm, once again, way ahead of myself. In fact, there I am, down in paragraph nine. Let me just zip through TIAC's pre-credits sequence and catch up.
We start at Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters. TIAC is on the phone, badgering Superlad, who is in South America, 'pursuing Zoners' at Rio Carnivala. "Get back here," she says. "Before Dr BribedScientist shows up and shoots me."
But Superlad stops off for a samba lesson and doesn't make it back in time. Fortunately, Flash, the fastest dude alive, has chosen this particular instant to zip back into town. He pushes Dr BribedScientist down and zooms off, faster than the eye can see. Superlad returns a split-second later to steal all the rescue credit.
"Thanks for saving me yet again," says TIAC.
"It wasn't me," says Superlad, still hopeless at the credit-stealing thing.
Superlad looks up, sees the Flash and they race off through the streets of Metropolis, causing unrest at an urban basketball game. One guy even misses a high-five, such is the disruptive influence of the speedsters.
Opening credits. After the opening credits -- oh, hi. Sorry, just catching up with myself from where I got left behind in the first few paragraphs -- TIAC and Superlad are back at the barn, where Superlad bald-facedly fishes for compliments even as he lies about knowing the Flash.
"Whoever your mysterious rescuer may have been, TIAC," he says, winking to nobody in particular. "He saved your life. Which is more than I can say." He pauses and waits for TIAC to mention the thirteen thousand other times he's previously rescued her.
TIAC will have none of it. "You can't be everywhere at once," she says.
Superlad fumes. The one superpower he doesn't have, and she has to bring it up. But before he can lay down any further gratitude guilt trip, the Flash zips into the barn. "Hey babeelicious!" he says.
"Hey," says Superlad.
"I was talking to the lady," says Flash.
"That's TIAC," says Superlad. "You're probably thinking of Lois."
"Oh yeah," says Flash. "Still..."
But TIAC has no time to be second-choice. Not today. She departs, as Flash starts inexplicably peppering his speech with Spanish.
"I could have used that a couple of episodes ago," says Superlad, still frustrated about his near-monolinguism. "What are you doing here this episode?"
"I'm hanging out with my amigo," says Flash.
"Did you steal it?" says Superlad, thinking of an Amiga. "Last time you were here you stole Bo's wallet. And now he's dead." Superlad, determing to drop a guilt trip on somebody's head.
"Superlad is being a bit of a dick about it all"
Flash goes on to explain, in convoluted street talk, about how he's no longer a petty thief. He's a courier, albeit one who refers to TIAC as 'TIAC-licious'. Superlad is being a bit of a dick about it all, though, with all kinds of 'how can I trust you' talk and such, before eventually pullling the rod out of his butt and flashing the Welling smile.
Meanwhile, over at GA's headquarters, GA and Lois are doing the drunken sex talk thing again. Lois removes GA's shirt for him and they suck face, before GA is interrupted by a critical phone call. He answers it, while providing the bare pec money shot for drooling home viewers. He listens intently, before postponing the Lois sex yet again.
Lois complains, but GA addles her mind with talk of Monte Carlo vacations. She scurries off to pack.
Hey! Isn't about time we had some Luthorian interplay? Of course it is. Porthos storms into Sinead's office. "You alone?" he demands.
"Of course," says Sinead. "We've shipped Lana off with Aunt Nell for a shopping expedition in Paris this episode. She will be entirely off camera."
"Aunt Nell," muses Porthos, rubbing his beard in thought. "I thought she was dead."
"Nope. Just reduced to a plot point."
"Excellent."
They go on to talk about 33.1, the mysterious facility that harbours Sinead's collection of Kryptovillains. Porthos is concerned about recent break-ins at various satellite 33.1 stations. Sinead is more concerned about a snap-shot of a blurred speedster at one of the stations. "Why are none of our security cameras in focus?" he roars, furious at the poor attention to basic photographic detail.
Porthos keeps his mouth shut, super-speed-wise, and the pair leave, just as Flash zips in behind them and steals info off Sinead's laptop. He races off to meet GA.
They banter unsuccessfully before agreeing to start again.
We don't have time for that, however, because Superlad is visiting Porthos. "Superlad," say Porthos. "I was just thinking about you." He does not get up from behind his desk.
Superlad has no time for Porthos's confused fantasy life. "What do you know about Dr BribedScientist and 33.1?" he demands.
"What do you know about breaking into Luthorcorp at superspeed?" says Porthos, changing the subject with the consumate skill we've come to expect from the senior Luthor.
Superlad stares at the blurred photo. Man, just sharpen it in Photoshop™, he thinks. But doesn't say anything. Instead, he storms back to the farm, where he chastises Flash for his stealiness.
"Dude, it's not what you think!" says Flash.
"You stole from Sinead last time you guest-starred on the show. This episode you're also stealing from him. What's the difference?" says Superlad, as black and white as ever.
"It's complicated!"
"I'm a smart guy," says Superlad. "I thought we were Amigas! So, come on, explain it to me."
And maybe Flash does. And maybe he doesn't. I don't know, because I'm too busy laughing at Superlad's 'smart' claims to catch the rest of the scene.
When I recover, Superlad's over visiting TIAC and Lois, who is packing for her Monte Carlo adventure. She leaves to wax, while Superlad and TIAC talk about secrets.
"Maybe all keeping secrets does sometimes is force you to lie to people you care about," says Superlad.
"No shit," says TIAC.
Anyway, for some reason Superlad suspects Flash is in trouble, so he gets TIAC to PBS his phone.
"GPS," mumbles TIAC. She can't locate him, but, for nostalgia's sake, pulls out a script and reveals that Flash is working with GA.
Superlad storms over to talk to GA about Flash. GA turns the conversation to why Superlad is yet to stop 33.1.
"I've had chores!"
"Yeah? Well, Flash broke into a 33.1 base last night. That's the last I've heard of him."
"He's probably fine," says Superlad, with a brazen lack of evidence.
But he's not fine. He's been zapped by some kind of electrical surge while breaking into the base. The surge knocks him out and a dozen heavily armed security guards storm into the room and aim their guns at him. Sinead is also there. "Not so fast now, are you?" he says.
"No, he's not, sir!" says one of the guards, ruining the rhetorical moment.
"I have had an Interestingness Upgrade Patch"
Back at GA headquarters, GA has unveiled his team, which consists of Captain Fish-Head ("yo, S, how's Norgs?" "She's getting a wax," scowls Superlad) and Cyborg ("I have had an Interestingness Upgrade Patch," he reveals. Which, alas, didn't take.)
Flash, meanwhile, is being interrogated by Sinead, who is inexplicably comparing lawyers to ponytails (?!?) When Flash isn't sufficiently talkative, Sinead unleashes a bizarre trap that forces him (Flash) to run around in circles at superspeed. If he stops for more than a microsecond, he will be electrocuted to death. Sinead goes on to claim that he had this idea long before he saw the movie Speed, but nobody believes him. Also, it remains unclear how Flash, assuming his spirit is broken by this trap and he decides he wants to talk, would convey this to his jailers before dying.
But let's not dwell on that. Let's dwell instead on Superlad trying to rescue Flash on his own, eschewing the rest of the group. Like a total fool, he wanders atraight into a room marked 'No Kryptonite In Here. Honestly!' and collapses in a trembling, boil-covered heap.
So TIAC contacts GA and the nascent Justice League tweak their Flash rescue mission to include Superlad as well. TIAC gives them the address.
"That's right by the docks," says Captain Fish-Head. He gives a little surfer victory punch. He loves it when missions take place right beside the docks.
The gang fly into action. And an awesome kind of action it is, too. They have code names and knockout gas arrows and rippling biceps and secondary missions and martial arts and cool catchphrases to nobody and Sinead-GA faceoffs and Cyborg playing the role of R2-D2 ('he's here! he's here!') and Captain Fish-Head talking about not wearing pants and it's all totally awesome-tastically awesome.
Eventually, all the prisoners are set free, Superlad (codename: Boy Scout) rescues Flash and explosives are set to blow the whole place up.
"Wait," says Superlad, talking to TIAC (codename: Nerd Chick) via Skype™. "Are we sure all the villains have escaped and won't be blown up in the explosion?"
"100% positive," says TIAC. She checks her figures again. "Oh, actually, no--"
But Superlad's already hung up. "Come on," he says. "Let's do the movie poster walk-out as the building explodes behind us." And there's squabbling about the order, and who gets to be in the middle and how fast they should walk and so forth. But eventually they do it, and viewers everywhere cheer as the music triumphantly swells!
And that's that. GA eventually dumps Lois, who, despite this, remains incredibly full of herself ("You can't hang around me long enough to see what an awesome body you're missing"). GA doesn't buy it. He has an awesome body all his own. For now, that's enough.
Porthos, meanwhile, unveils one of his more glorious lies to Sinead. He (Porthos) claims Superlad could not have been involved with the Flash rescue bid because he'd been at home having pot roast with him and Senator Boring Old Ma that night. Porthos goes on to claim that Superlad had 'three servings' of 'new potatoes and tiny baby carrots'. Oh Porthos, it's the details you put into your infernal lies that make you such a master. We salute you.
And, finally, Superlad refuses to join the gang until a) he catches all the Zoners, b) he finishes re-fencing the back paddock and c) they settle on a proper name (at the moment, GA wants 'something with Justice in it', while Captain Fish-Head is voting for 'The Fantastic Five' or 'AC and the Sunshine Band'.
"It's a shame you're not coming with us, Superlad," says GA. "We could use the big guns."
Superlad smiles and kisses his biceps, as the others walk purposefully out of the barn.
"You've got some cool hero friends," says TIAC, watching them stride off.
"Yes I do," says Superlad. "Yes I do." And they smile. Superlad feels compelled to make a point. "You're not a hero, you know," he says. "I mean, any nerd could have sat back at home, behind the computer--"
Superlad's critical clarification is interrupted by GA, who pokes his head back around the corner. "Can either of you give us a lift to the bus stop?" he says. "Didn't realise it was quite so far."
Awesome, awesome episode. Several zillion out of ten.
Next week: Something almost certainly not as good.
Discuss this episode at Kryptonsite
Begone,
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