THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7 / 10 
10: Spelling Errors
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
It is not unusual for the opening pre-credits sequence of the show to contain mild elements of horror. A startling and unexpected appearance from the foe of the week is sufficient to kickstart an episode into motion and grab the minds of the easily confused viewer. (Lois in a bikini works well, too. Just for the record.)
This week, they crank it up several thousand notches with a pre-credit appearance from the most horrific thing imaginable: Tori Spelling. Oh sure, she's calling herself 'Linda Lake', because in the addled bureaocracy of The Daily Planet, only people with such a monogram are worthy candidates for female journalism positions. But she's not fooling anybody. It's Tori, all right. And she has the fearsome ability to turn into a puddle! Look out, she's damp!
Okay. Look, I'll zoom through Tori's story as quickly as possible, because a) it's freakin' Tori, and b) her story is not what this episode is about. This episode is all about the subplots, people, and the lunacy therein.
But let's go with Tori to begin with. She's a gossip columnist who has accused an athlete of taking steroids. I have no idea why this is considered news. Or even gossip. But regardless, the steroid-taking athlete tries to kill her, but then Tori turns into a puddle and drowns him. Or some damn thing.
After the credits, the subplots begin. Lana shows up to visit TIAC.
"TIAC, Sinead proposed."
"To you?"
Lana ignores her. "I just don't know whether to say yes or no. I mean, if Superlad had asked me back when we were together, I would have said 'yes' in a millisecond."
TIAC rolls her eyes. Because she remembers the 100th episode where Superlad did ask Lana to marry him and she dithered for several days before coming back with a half-hearted 'okay, then, you Kryptonian weirdo'. Still, TIAC decides to humour her. "Why don't you just talk this over with Superlad. Close that chapter of your life."
As they leave, the water cooler bubbles ominously. And we all know there's nothing more frightening than an ominously bubbling water cooler.
Meanwhile, Jimmy-James Olsen and Lois have met up. He sells her some scantily clad photos of Green Arrow. "Don't you have a boyfriend?" asks Jimmy-James.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" shoots back Lois.
"Yeah, but it's just TIAC." Point made.
Next day, at The Death Claw, TIAC is flipping through the Daily Planet and discovers her conversation with Lana re: Sinead's proposal and Lana's remaining lust for Superlad has made the Tori's Tattler section.
"I can't let you read this in the paper," says TIAC to Superlad. The way his lips move as he reads just bugs her no end. "I'll read it to you. Sinead has proposed to Lana."
"I did that twenty episodes ago."
"Prrrfffttt... I did that twenty episodes ago. What did she say?"
"She's still hot for you," says TIAC.
Superlad smiles to himself. Once the ladies get a taste of the Kryptonian curry, there ain't no turning back. He heads off to get himself a bit.
TIAC grabs him. "You can't just wander over to the mansion for some Lana-lovin'," she says. "This is all too complicated."
"Not for me," says Superlad, once again embracing the simplicity that is his bedrock.
Over at the mansion Sinead has brought Lana breakfast in bed, along, of course, with the paper and a few immaculately-timed zingers. "I didn't realise I had so much company waiting for your answer," he says, as an opener.
Lana looks at the article and mutters all kinds of TIAC-hatin' under her breath.
Sinead's world class guilt trip is interrupted by the arrival of Superlad. "Oh, for the love of..." says Sinead. "What are you doing here?"
"I've come to see Lana."
"She's not here," lies Sinead effortlessly.
"Boy," says Superlad. "It must suck to be you, wondering why she hasn't replied yet."
"Maybe," says Sinead. "But she's carrying my Luthor-spawn. So, really, it sucks to be you. Take that, farmboy!"
And that shuts Superlad up. Big time.
Sinead heads over to Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters to visit Tori Spelling. "Get me anything you can on Superlad and Lana," he says. "And I'll pay for some proper breasts."
They shake on it.
Over at Green Arrow HQ, Lois and GA are playing all kinds of kinky yoga sex games. GA takes his shirt off and reveals an enormous gash on his bicep, just like the one in the erotic photos of the costumed Green Arrow.
"How did that happen?" says Lois, curious as a cumquat.
"Light saber accident," says GA. He and Sinead studied Effortless Lying at school together.
But Lois doesn't buy it. She disappears back to the barn, where she dumps on Superlad.
"So Superlad," she says. "How would you feel if somebody you cared about turned out to be some kind of superhero, running around saving people all the time."
Superlad gulps. "I'd, uh, think he was smokin'?" he guesses.
"Damn straight he's smokin'. But why won't GA make me his sexy sidekick?"
"We're talking about GA?" says Superlad.
"I could be Quiver Girl!"
"I could be Quiver Girl!" suggests Lois. And she enlists Superlad in some kind of zany scheme.
Next thing we know, Superlad's over at Lois's place, stealing the photos from her handbag and spilling to TIAC the fact that Jimmy-James took the photos in the first place.
"Why is Jimmy-James hanging out with Lois?" says TIAC, after six seasons, getting tired of all the hotter chicks swooping in all over the place and stealing her men. She thought if she aimed low enough, she'd be safe. But no.
Superlad then starts ragging on TIAC for not telling him about Lana's baby.
"Oh, come on," says TIAC. "How am I supposed to keep track of which secrets I'm keeping and which ones I'm not? You're all just such liars, you big dumb alien, rocketed to Earth from the exploding planet Krypton."
And a puddle on the floor ripples ominously at this awkward dialogue, before morphing into Tori.
So, next scene, it's time for Lana to go ballistic at TIAC. "You total freakin' bitch," says Lana, full of the usual potty mouth. "Why did you tell Tori Goddamn Spelling about my feelings for Superlad."
TIAC sighs, and decides she might as well just start shoving as many feet in her mouth as possible. "So, Superlad visited the other day, huh?"
"What??" says Lana. "Hey, forget about all that. Why don't we play a prank on Tori Spelling."
"What?!?" says TIAC, before deciding not to look a gift Tori in the mouth. "Um, okay."
In other subplots, Lois has declared she is in love with GA, but she still wants to find out for sure if he's the costumed Green Arrow. So she and Superlad come up with some cockamamie scheme where she invites Superlad over to GA's place for a movie night (Dirty Dancing Two) with them but she accidentally 'forgets' to buy ice, so wanders through some dark alleyways in a quest for it, then pretends to be attacked by alleyway ice thugs and calls GA for help.
But GA and Superlad have a cockamamie scheme all their own. Superlad dresses up in the GA costume and zooms to the rescue, beating up the thugs, hurling them across the alley, picking up all the ice. Lois rewards him with some tonsil hockey. But, wait a moment, dem's not GA tonsils! She retracts, only to find the real GA (out of costume) behind her. For no clear reason, Jimmy-James is there also, and he takes a photo. Because, hell, that's what he does.
In other ludicrous subplots, TIAC is confronting Tori, while Lana (again for no clear reason) listens in on some webcam link. TIAC discovers that Tori is going to reveal Superlad's alien heritage in tomorrow's paper. So they dance around that aspect of the conversation, talking about secrets, without actually saying it out loud, while Lana listens in. Finally, just as Tori is about to say the phrase 'alien freakazoid', TIAC reboots the computer with a convenient, uh, axe. So Tori tries to shoot TIAC with a convenient, uh, nail gun.
They scuffle and TIAC eventually hurls her into Lana's car, where she bursts into a zillion drops of water and sinks down a drain. And that's the end of Tori Spelling (he said, hopefully).
The other subplots end kinda predictably too. TIAC works out Superlad's and GA's little switcheroo, and enjoys herself as Lois reveals to Superlad and her that she thinks the costumed GA is the 'best kisser this side of Edge City'.
"Damn straight," says Superlad. Once they taste the Kryptonian curry...
Lana, meanwhile, has the irrits with TIAC for not telling her about Superlad's secret. She confronts her. "Just tell meeeeeeee," she says.
"Nope."
"But I'm so pretty-eeeyy..."
But TIAC holds firm. So Lana goes to visit Superlad instead. He's generally a much bigger sucker for the pretty. "Hey," she says. "Rumour has it you've got a big secret."
"Yeah? Well, rumour has it you love me and are up the duff with Sinead's child."
"Yeah? Well, I'm going to marry Sinead."
"Yeah? Well, I'm going to keep wearing GA's underwear."
But Lana has gone. She goes back and tells Sinead, hell yeah. She'll marry him.
"Oh God," says Sinead. What has he got himself into?
Next week: A guest appearance from Jason Priestley as the Governor of Minnesota.
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