THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.5 / 10 
1: Zod's A Matta You?
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Okay, let's kick it all off again. If you don't remember what happened at the end of last season, then you are an embarrassment and a psychopath and I urge you to reconsider your life choices.
No time for dillying, nor (as it turns out) dallying. We open with Superlad arriving in The Phantom Prison Interdimension Thing. After a few dazed moments wandering around, he finally makes his way to Customs, where he is accosted by flying robotey menace things, demanding to see his passport. He tries to explain he doesn't have one, but the customs officials refuse to listen and start tearing him a new one.
A more senior bureaucrat intervenes, flashing a S jewel, which sends the customs officials scurrying. "Thanks," says Superlad.
The bureaucrat kicks him in the face. "Welcome to the Phantom Zone," she says. For she is The Phantom Zone Minister for Tourism.
Cue this season's opening credits. Highlight? Lois emerging from a swimming pool in a Baywatch outfit. I'm just saying.
Back in Metropolis, The SS Zod/Sinead's had enough of the Lana face-sucking. "Sinead is dead," he says to Lana. "I am the SS Zod."
"Wow!" says Lana. "You two could be twins!"
The SS Zod/Sinead sighs. "No. I'm possessing Sinead's bo-- Oh, never mind," he says, and flies her away.
TIAC and Porthos emerge on the rooftop to see the pair of them disappear into the distance. They have escaped their riot peril thanks to Porthos's twin knowledge of prison ju jitsu and taser guns.
"Superlad must not have been able to defeat the SS Zod," says Porthos.
"You mean 'kill', don't you?" says TIAC.
"Of course. Look, maybe I can go back to the Kent farm and get the Zod-killing dagger and stop the SS Zod myself."
"By killing Sinead, right?" says TIAC.
"Sure."
He tosses TIAC a spare pistol ("This is 'Ol Yella'" he says. "Treat her well.") and heads off.
Back in the Phantom Zone, there's more Superlad-kicking. "Where are you from?" says the Minister for Tourism, still pissed about the passport thing.
"I was born on Krypton. I was raised on Earth," says Superlad, figuring Bo's not going to bust his chops about the secret ID thing. Not here. And not now he's still dead and out of the opening credits.
"Are you Kal-El?" says the Minister for Tourism.
"How do you know my Kryptonian name?"
"It's stitched into the back of your jacket"
"It's stitched into the back of your jacket," says the Minister, pulling it up to show him. "Also, I used to be your father's secretary, back on Krypton. He never shut up about Earth. Always going on about this slutty Earth chick he met there one time."
Back on Earth, the SS Zod/Sinead continues to try and explain to Lana about the whole possession thing. "Did you ever see The Exorcist?" he says.
"The new one or the old one?" asks Lana.
"Either," says The SS Zod/Sinead.
"No," says Lana.
So The SS Zod/Sinead strangles her a little and reveals he's going to remake the Earth in the form of Krypton and Lana, despite being a primitive CGI creation, can bear him some heirs.
"Eewww," says Lana. Because the whole birthing fluids thing gives her the willies.
Senator Boring Old Ma has meanwhile pulled Lois out of the plane wreckage and into the 'safety' of the Fortress of Solitude. She has to kick out some eskimos who have set up camp in there, but once she's done that, she has a chat with the SS Jor-El.
"Why did you bring us here?" she demands, after some small talk.
"To tell you about what your nitwit of a son has done this time."
"Oh, so suddenly he's my son."
"I gave him a dagger to kill Sinead Luthor. Instead, he got into his dimbulb skull to use it to kill Spike-iac. Oy vey! So now the SS Zod is going to conquer the world and Superlad's trapped in the Phantom Zone."
The SS Jor-El, bringing latecomers and the non-observant up to speed.
"You have to bring him back," says Boring Old Ma.
"Negatori," says the SS Jor-El. "Those freaking Eskimo squatters have used up all my generators with their incessant Nintendo-ing. But, hey, why don't you use the dagger to stop the SS Zod yourself."
"You mean murder Sinead, don't you?"
"Yah." He gives a fortressly shrug, then zaps her back to Smallville.
Back in the Phantom Zone, the Minister for Tourism dabs antiseptic on Superlad's facial cuts and provides essential backstory about where the Zone came from (SS Jor-El tax writeoff) and why the filthy customs officials fear her smokin' S jewel so much (because 'S' stands for 'shampoo'). Superlad has no time to listen to any of this.
"I have to get out of here and defeat the SS Zod."
The Minister for Tourism snorts. "The SS Zod is a soldier. He'll, like, totally kill you, pretty boy."
"Maybe," says Superlad. "Or maybe I'm tougher than you th-- Ouch!! That really stings."
The Minister rolls her eyes. "Come on, I'll let you out the back door."
Back in Metropolis, Jimmy-James Olsen has shown up. For some reason, TIAC mistakes him for Supernerdling from Season One and tries to shoot him. Then she recognises him as the young lad who deflowered her off-camera a couple of seasons ago, and really starts to aim a lot more carefully.
Speaking of twins, Lana still hasn't quite got her head around the SS Zod/Sinead thing. "So you're not Sinead," she says. "And you're not his twin brother."
"Right."
"Are you triplets?"
"Sinead had strong feelings for you," reveals the SS Zod/Sinead. "For the life of me, I can't see why. No wonder it almost made me barf when I consumed his essence."
"There's no need to be horrid," pouts Lana. "Wait a second. So you ate your twin brother?"
Sinead has had enough of her clowning around and stabs her hand to the wall. He heads off to the Pentagon to... uh... well, to give Lana a chance to escape I assume. Also, we all know how the Kryptonians love their regular polygons.
Back in the Zone and Superlad and The Minister for Tourism have been attacked by Jayna and Zan, the Kryptonian badasses from last year's season opener. "Hey," says the Minister. "Don't kill him. He's got the key to the back door."
"Cool," says Zan, for out of three hundred and twelve thousand Phantom Zone prisoners, not one of them knows how to pick a lock.
"I do?" says Superlad.
"Sure," says the Minister. "Your blood is the key."
"Really?" says Superlad, wrinkling his nose. Boy. Octagons. Blood. For an advanced race, the Kryptonians could really have lifted their game on the locksmithery front.
Back at the farm, Senator Boring Old Ma and Porthos have hooked up. "We need to stop the SS Zod," says Porthos.
"That means butchering Sinead with this dagger," says Senator Boring Old M, holding it aloft. "Doesn't it?"
"Yup," says Porthos, unsure why people keep going on about this point.
Lana shows up, blood dripping out of one palm like some kind of half-assed stigmata-chick. "Sinead has too many powers," she says. "I don't think there's anybody on Earth who can stop him."
"There might be," says Senator Boring Old Ma. The other two look at her expectantly. "It's me," she eventually says. Porthos holds back a smirk. Lana rolls her eyes.
"I'll shag him and then stab him afterwards."
"Give it here," Lana says. "I'll shag him and then stab him afterwards." For she saw Basic Instinct on The Movie Channel the other night and is full of the murderous sex-games.
"'kay," says Boring Old Ma, quickly. She wipes her brow in relief and drags Porthos off, post-haste.
Lana heads back for some Sinead-stabbing. She bollocks it up. Sinead takes the knife and snaps it in two.
"Enough nonsense," he says. "Let's Krypton it up!" And he presses a button on his laptop which starts transmogrifyin' the Earth, old-school.
Back in the Zone, it turns out The Minister for Tourism has betrayed not Superlad, as it seemed, but instead Jayna and Zan. She stabs the former in the throat. "Go Superlad," she says, as hordes of backup super-criminals come sprinting over the dunes. "Run back to freedom. Never mind that I will surely be murdered by these dozens of murderous villains. I gladly sacrifice myself to give you a chance at escape."
"Rightey-o," says Superlad, oblivious to her sarcasm.
He returns to Earth without a second glance and heads off to the mansion to pick a fight with the SS Zod/Sinead. He zaps Sinead's laptop with the heat vision.
"You little turd!" says SS Zod/Sinead. For that's going to, like, totally void the warranty. It also puts an end to the Krypton-quakes.
So then they scuffle their way across the country, with the SS Zod/Sinead hurling Superlad through trees, punching him through mountains, kneeing him in the boulders and so forth. Eventually, Superlad is defeated and the moment all sensible superfans have been waiting for arrives:
"Kneel before Zod," says SS Zod/Sinead.
He gives Superlad his ring to kiss. That's a bridge too far for Superlad, who instead takes his hand and uses the Late Minister for Tourism's S medallion to wash that Zod right out of Sinead's (lack of) hair.
And there you have it. Sinead, as always, remembers nothing. Lana takes the opportunity to claim she almost killed him. Even without any memory, Sinead knows that's bullshit. He snorts. He also makes the point that there would have been no 'almost' about it if the roles had been reversed. "I'd have gutted you like a haddock," he says, big bald grin on his melon. Lois wakes up in hospital, vowing to do more next episode. Superlad meets Jimmy-James Olsen ("Boy, you look familiar," he says. "You're thinking of my brother," says Jimmy-James. "Hmmm?" says Superlad, whose mind had already wandered). And Boring Old Ma gives a deep and meaningful speech about how people need superheroes like Superlad to be a beacon in times of darkness and hopelessness. "Also," she says. "I'm shagging Porthos."
Awesome stuff. I give it a season-opening 11 out of 12 and look forward to next week when Lois ventures into yet another career (possibly as a lifeguard).
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