THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.4 / 10 
9: It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Lexmas
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
It's Christmas Eve! Well, not quite. But it's surely close enough for the kids at Smallville to bring us this week's episode - an entertaining and fantastic piece of whimsy and delight, with powerful options being proffered and life-altering choices being made.
Note: in the preceding paragraph please replace 'entertaining', 'fantastic', 'whimsy', 'delight' and 'powerful' with whatever swears you think can get past your web filters. 'Kids', too.
For this was the single most inane episode of Smallville since Good Ol' Pete was a Kryptonite Car Racer or the SS Jor-El was shagging Lana's Great Aunt or all of Season Four.
So, here goes.
Sinead has popped over to visit a professional muckraker who is proposing to rake muck all over Bo Kent, thereby knocking him out of the race for Senator (for not even Kansas is willing to elect a person covered in muck to the Senate - let's leave that to Kentucky, is their motto).
"I'll think about it," says Sinead. Because pondering is the essence of the man.
As is getting shot, apparently. For some random thug pulls out a gun and shoots him. Down he goes. He wakes up seven years in the future, with an annoying little urchin claiming to be his son and a heavily pregnant Lana claiming to be his wife (no claims were made on who was the baby's father, as you'd expect, given Lana's renowned sluttery).
"Is this a dream?" says Sinead. His dead mother answers and assures him it's not. It's a life he can have if he makes the right (ie boring) choices.
"... nothing screams reality to me like a chat with my dead mother."
Well, sure then. I know if I was having a dream and I was assured by my dead mother it wasn't one then I'd take her at her word. Because nothing screams reality to me like a chat with my dead mother.
Still, Sinead's all muddled in the head from the time-travel (and/or bullet) and he doesn't think clearly. So he's believing this is his future.
Meanwhile, back in the real world, Porthos has been called in.
"Your son has been shot!" says Dr Exposition.
"I can see that," says Porthos.
"He will live, but he will be crippled from the bellybutton down for the rest of his life."
"No," says Porthos, already missing the fencing. "I shall not have that. Scrub up doctor, we're going in." And he puts his hands up in that 'Nurse, put some gloves on me' kinda way that doctors do.
"If we operate, there's a very good chance he'll die," continues Dr Exposition, perhaps aware that Porthos has no medical training whatsoever.
"Pish-tosh. Tell somebody who cares."
Back to Sinead's dream world. Through shame-faced dialogue and old newsreel footage, we learn that Sinead took a life-changing path after he was shot. He abandoned the Luthor name and fortune and devoted his life to being a middle-class father who is bald as a pretzel.
Also, of course, the careful viewer will have noticed that he's, y'know, walking around. So we can safely assume that the operation is a success. So perhaps Porthos is not the brazen risk-taker we've been led to believe.
Sinead and Lana and Sinead Jr bump into TIAC and Superlad at the Smallville Mall.
"Make me fly, make me fly!" says Sinead Jr, jumping into Superlad's arms.
"Why you little--" says Superlad, about to back-hand him for giving away the secret before TIAC explains that he means for Superlad to swing him around by his arms.
Also, it's seven years later, and Superlad's still not wearing the specs? I say, Superlad - get with the program man. Supervillains don't make passes at secret identities who wear glasses.
Back in the real world, TIAC has summoned Superlad to Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters. "I need you to deliver all these presents to the poor kids of Metropolis."
"Dude," says Superlad. "Do I look like your damn delivery boy?"
TIAC takes a closer look. "Yeah, a little," she says. "Now do my bidding and then when you come back, give me one of those superspeed foot rubs."
Superlad is left with no choice but to do as TIAC says. Because, um... I dunno, but he does it. He runs from house to house, dropping presents under trees for the poverty-stricken kids of Metropolis (who, y'know, all seem to live in enormous houses with pianos and Nintendos and plasma televisions). Sure, he has to smash down each house's door to get in there, but it's a small price to pay for a piece of crap water pistol, isn't it?
On the way he bumps into a certain, bearded gent from the North Pole. At first, you think it might be General Zod, who escaped from the Fortress last episode. But no, we're supposed to believe it's Santa Claus. Drunk as a monkey. About to commit suicide by jumping off a roof. Superlad talks some Christmasey sense into him, pointing out that he and TIAC have given up their Christmas Eve to smash their way into other people's houses and drop generic, overpriced junk under their ridiculously large trees. He mentions not that he's only doing this because TIAC has some, as yet unspecified, mental hold over him.
The stupidity of this episode causes him to leap to his death."
That's enough for Santa. The stupidity of this episode causes him to leap to his death. Superlad catches him before he goes splat and sends him on his drunken way.
Back to Sinead's dream world. He's now at the Kents' Christmas Party where Senator Bo Kent honours him with a home-made plaque, declaring him the 'bossest bald dude who ever stole my son's woman'. Sinead holds back a tear.
He and Superlad have a bit of a chat about Lana and how much of a dud she is in the sack. "Pretty to look at, though," says Superlad. "I suppose," says Sinead, for he got a quick look at the crow's feet, earlier.
"So, how did it come about that I fell in love with her and married her and got her to pop out some younglings while you remained a bachelor?" asks Sinead.
"Just lucky, I guess," says Superlad. Neither of them asks for clarification.
"Still," says Sinead. "Even though I'm married to Lana, this has still been the greatest day of my life! Did you see my kick-ass plaque?"
"Sure," says Superlad. "That's great." Not mentioning he has about 1400 of them, including 135 'Best looking Kryptonian son's and 92 'Faster than the General Lee's.
In the real world, Drunken Santa has shown up to visit TIAC. He offers to help deliver the rest of the presents. Superlad's off having a smoke somewhere, and there's still a lot to be done, so after a quick strip-search, TIAC agrees.
She turns her back for a second and then, by the time she turns back, all the presents have been delivered!! With that kind of superspeed, perhaps he was General Zod, after all. She puts this forward to Superlad, who promises to look into it during a 'significantly better' episode.
Back in Sinead's dream future, Lana goes into labour, churns out Lana Jr and then starts to die. For some reason, only Porthos is able to save her (perhaps his initial foray into medicine while operating on Sinead awakened in him a seven-year journey to become the world's finest obstetrician - yes, let's assume that).
"Please," says Sinead. "Save Lana!"
"Nope," says Porthos. And turns back to download porn with his seven year in the future iMac with over 300 Terahertz of RAM!!!
So Lana dies and Sinead's mother comes back to say 'so, you see, if you decide to turn good and not muck rake over Bo Kent then you will only have to put up with seven years of life with Lana before being free to embark on the most glorious existence available to any kind-hearted, universally respected young father of two. With luck, you might even be able to nick another one of Superlad's chicks. Perhaps that one with the norgs?"
Hmm, thinks Sinead. Lois has quite the cute dimples, too. But no, seven years with Lana is too much to ask! I hereby devote my life to evil!!
He wakes up in his hospital bed, redevotes his life to evil in the present, harangues Porthos for using a cross-stitch while closing up the operation ('I'll scar like the bejeezus!') and then calls in the muckraker to muck rakes all over Bo. And that is that.
Stupid, stupid episode. I give it one out of ten, and that's only because I'll take any excuse for Sinead to pull his finger out and get a-crackin' on the nefariousness.
Next Week: Porthos performs a spleenectomy!
Begone,
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