THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.4 / 10 
8: Spike-iac Makes His Move
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Of all the Smallville characters, who would you most like to see struck down by a Kryptonian virus and die? That's right, Lana. But if not Lana, who else? Exactly, Good Ol' Pete. But Good Ol' Pete's long gone, so who else? That's right, Lana. But because we've said her already, who else? Right. Boring Old Ma. And so it is that the Smallville writers deliver!
Boring Old Ma is dropped off at the farm by Lois (who has a new car to go with her apartment by the way - pay attention to that, because they're going to pick up on that factoid a little later on. Oh, those clever, clever writers...) and is zapped by a random clutter of light and sound.
Superlad finds Ma unconscious in the field, senses it's more serious than the aftermath of her weekly pub crawl, and follows up on it the next morning with TIAC at the Daily Planet.
"The doctors say that Boring Old Ma is perfectly fine," he says.
"Oh my god!" says TIAC. "I'll do whatever I can to help."
"I think the SS Jor-El is behind this," says Superlad, without a jot of evidence.
"Jor-El, your biological father?" says TIAC.
"No, Jor-El, the pro hockey goalkeeper," snorts Superlad, and wanders off in a sarcastic huff.
Still concerned about Boring Old Ma's good health, Superlad visits Professor Spike-iac.
"Does your mother have any markings on her?"
"Just the rattler tatt on her left thigh ..."
"Just the rattler tatt on her left thigh," says Superlad.
"Ruh-eally?" says Spike-iac.
Superlad heads back to the farm to fill in Bo on how implausible this show is becoming.
"Wait," says Bo. "You mean to tell me that there's a Kryptonian teaching Forensic Studies at your college?"
"Prrftt," says Superlad. "No. That would be dumb. He teaches Advanced Supervillainy."
"Superlad, I want you to stay away from this absurd plotline," says Bo.
"It's too late," says Superlad.
"Go answer that kettle," orders a furious Bo to Boring Old Ma. For, indeed, there is a kettle a-whistling (it's whistling Walk Like An Egyptian for reasons that are never fully explained).
Boring Old Ma answers the kettle and collapses in a heap.
"Boo-ya!" says Superlad and punches the air in triumph. "I knew there was something wrong with her."
Over to The Daily Planet again, and Porthos has wandered in to bug TIAC. He tells her of a super-speedy, super-strong, super-heat-visioney being running around Central Kansas University, causing mayhem and mischief.
"I don't believe a word of it," lies TIAC. "And I have no interest in pursuing such an outlandish story."
"His name is Professor Milton Spike-iac," says Porthos.
"Oh!" says TIAC. "Then fine, let me at him."
Superlad's gone to chat some more with Spike-iac who fills his head with lies about SS Jor-El being a dictatorial tyrant who destroyed Krypton, tortured detractors and didn't turn his phone off at the theatre. He compounds the lie with nonsense about General Zod being the hero of the Kryptonian People.
Superlad hasn't read any of Bo's old World of Krypton comics, so swallows every single word of Spike-iac's lies.
He takes Spike-iac back to the farm where Spike-iac continues to lie wildly, just making up stuff as it enters his head. He prescribes Kryptonite as the only thing that will ease her symptoms. Or aspirin.
"We don't have any aspirin," says Bo. "Got a closet-full of K, however. For when the lad gives me lip."
"Get some," says Spike-iac. "And place it on your wife's... oh, let's say, forehead."
Bo does so. Spike-iac applauds his efforts but still diagnoses death as the most likely outcome. Superlad decides to go visit the SS Jor-El.
"I hardly think this is the time, son," says Bo.
"No. The SS Jor-El told me that in exhange for bringing me back to life, he would have to kill someone I care about."
"Why didn't you mention this sooner?" says Bo.
"Slipped my mind," says Superlad, shrugging. And off he runs to the Arctic Fortress.
The SS Jor-El denies everything. "I have caused your mother no harm." The crystals shimmer. "Actually, I think she's kind of hot."
"Ew," says Superlad. "Really?"
"I am sorry. The Wheel of Fate has already been set in motion and your mother has spun Bankrupt."
"No!" says Superlad, who'd been hoping for Top Dollar.
While this is happening, Porthos and Sinead have one of their mansion chats. Porthos warns Sinead about keeping flying saucers in warehouses if he's going to run for Senate.
"The electorate doesn't approve of candidates who are obsessed with little green men," warns Porthos.
"... not green," mumbles a sulky Sinead.
"You mean, like crush your body into a microscopic pulp and inject you into me??!?"
Boring Old Ma then bores us all to death with her tedious self-sacrifice and acceptance of her own death ("Even when I'm dead," she says, "You can keep me in your heart." "You mean, like crush your body into a microscopic pulp and inject you into me??!?") and rambling about her work being done, because Superlad's now a buff, glorious specimen of a man and so forth. Boy, Boring Old Ma. Way to have no life. Literally.
It's about time for a little Lois and TIAC whimsy. Or whatever the hell you call it. Lois is annoyed because Sinead zinged her earlier with the best line of the episode (something about Lois being a politically naive, muffin-peddling college dropout with spectacular norgs). She wants to get back at him and has suggested calling him 'Baldy McHairless'.
"Hey," says TIAC, who has a better idea. "Let's go break into the warehouse and get evidence of this spaceship he's keeping there."
"Okay. What can I do?"
"You can have a ridiculous scene where you flirt with the single worst security guard in the history of everything ever and distract him with your new car." (See? Ah, foreshadowing.)
"Excellent."
And it is so. TIAC sneaks in and roams around and sees Spike-iac turn into metal bits and vice-versa.
By now, Spike-iac has thought up some fresh lies. He tells Superlad to go to the Fortress with him and stab the SS Jor-El with a crystal.
"Really?" says Superlad.
"Hell, why not," says Spike-iac.
Off they go. Superlad stabs the Fortress with Spike-iac's crystal. The Fortress starts to fall to pieces. Spike-iac puts some kryptonite on Superlad's chest. Wind blows. Music plays loudly. The dialogue is (alas) muffled. But the gist seems to be that Spike-iac's a bad-ass. Well, duh.
TIAC has now shown up to the farm. Bo tells her that Superlad's gone to the North Pole with Spike-iac, who is helping them fix Boring Old Ma's mysterious ailment.
"I don't know how helpful he's going to be," says TIAC, and leaves without uttering another word (not even 'seeya').
Huh, thinks Bo. I wonder what she meant by that. Probably not important, he decides and cracks another beer.
TIAC heads to the caves, catches the next teleporter to the Fortress and picks the Kryptonite off Superlad's chest. She gives his pecs a little rub and then the fight's on. Spike-iac and Superlad throw one another around and then he is eventually thrown onto a crystal stake, which terminates his undead existence. He explodes into dust.
That's that. Boring Old Ma gets better (so ignore my opening paragraph kudos to the writers). Sinead and Porthos have another confrontation with all the underplayed menace we're used to (something about Sinead's spaceship being stolen) and Bo and Superlad discuss what they've learned ("Why am I so gullible?" says Superlad. "Well, son, you're not that bright," says Bo. "But I'm strong, right?" "Sure, son.").
Pretty stupid stuff. If you're going to give Boring Old Ma a Kryptonian disease then I say follow through with it.
Next Week: Porthos gets pleurisy.
Begone,
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