THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7 / 10 
7: I Only Hurt You Because I Love You
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
So we're in Lana's dorm. Lana is pretending to be an astronomer, playing Galaxian on her laptop. Superlad comes a-knockin'. He's in town picking up 'tractor parts' (the usual euphemism) for Bo. He's brought a box in - the box is a gift from Sinead that had been left at the door. The box contains Silver Kryptonite, which cuts Superlad!
Oh no! What perils could Silver K hold for our hero?
Before we can find out, Superlad is rammed by a crazy truck driver! That'll teach him to drive around the streets of Smallville, burning valuable fossil fuels, when he could be happily running around like a whippet instead. Care about the environment, Superlad! It's not just for hippies any more. The crazy truck driver runs Superlad off the road, where he rolls straight into the opening credits.
Superlad heads back to the farm and interrupts Bo and Boring Old Ma, who are discussing Bo's proposed run for the Senate.
"I think it sounds dangerous," says Boring Old Ma.
Bo yawns. "I made a drunken promise to Senator Luke last episode. Are you telling me I threw up on his shoes for no reason?"
Superlad tells them about the truck. And also a phone call from a mysterious voice that said 'I know who you are'. Bo uncharacteristically laughs it off. "It's probably just a new energy drink ad campaign," he says, without a shred of evidence.
Over to Professor Spike-iac's class on Supervillainy. This week, it's a warning tale about how best friends invariably betray one another to become arch enemies. Superlad's not paying attention. The damn fool.
"... there's a ... Microsoft Power Point presentation with too many bullet points ..."
After class ends, there's a sudden burst of green K and a Microsoft Power Point presentation with too many bullet points and overly elaborate transitions. The last bullet point reads 'I know how to kill you'. Superlad confers with Professor Spike-iac who tells him that he (Spike-iac) was almost run off the road by a crazy black truck yesterday too.
"I've got a license plate," says Spike-iac.
"Prffrrt. So do a lot of cars," says Superlad, unimpressed.
"No," says Spike-iac. He pinches the bridge of his nose. "I've got the license plate of the truck that tried to run us over."
"You stole it?" says Superlad, wide-eyed.
"No. I just copied the digits down onto this piece of paper."
"Ah," says Superlad, getting it.
"Do you know anybody who could trace it back to the owner?"
"Sure," says Superlad. "My friend TIAC has a computer."
So off he heads to Rebel Headquarters at the Daily Planet. TIAC runs the number through the internet. While she's heading off to check the results on the fax machine (this is one of those web sites that only outputs results through fax machines - it's an odd usability choice, but then that's the government for you - presumably Bo will change this if his election bid is successful), Superlad reads her email and sees one from Porthos.
"Why are you getting emails from Porthos??!?" says Superlad, furious.
TIAC makes a brief attempt to condemn Superlad for, y'know, the super-snoopery, but not well enough. Superlad somehow maintains his insane high ground, accusing TIAC of being a dirty little secret identity-spreading gossip-face.
"But I didn't say anything," protests TIAC.
"Talk to the hand," says Superlad, despite the fact he's too lazy to even hold a hand up. He runs off.
Back to the barn and Superlad is now eavesdropping on Bo and Porthos who are having a chin-wag in the barn, discussing election campaigns and why Porthos doesn't want Sinead to win (something to do with him not having enough hair to be a worthy successor to such US political hairy-weights as Taft and John Quincy Adams).
"I know about Superlad's powers and I'm going to cut him up like a Kryptonian lab-rat," says Porthos, suddenly, from nowhere.
"Fair enough," says Bo. "Can I get some money for my election campaign."
"Yes," says Porthos and slips him an envelope full of cash and (inexplicably) Tazos.
Superlad is none too pleased about this. He meets Bo back in the kitchen and pulls the envelope from Bo's jacket. He punches a hole in the table.
"Superlad, no!!" says Boring Old Ma.
Superlad has had enough of her constant negativity so hurls her across the lounge room. Bo goes to give him a thrashing but to no avail - foolishly, he's forgotten that he doesn't have powers and/or Superlad still has his. Blast and damn! It's unfair to expect a simple, drunken Kansas farmer to keep track of such matters!
"Tell me the truth," says Superlad.
"You can't handle the truth!" says Bo, still able to see a place for humour even in the midst of a Kryptonian temper tantrum. He then goes on to add that Superlad is not really his son, just a thing he found in the cornfields. Which is true, and perhaps it is time it was said.
TIAC shows up with some Green K and scares Superlad off. "Boo!" she says, to make sure of it.
She then has a stilted conversation with Bo and Boring Old Ma (who is all better now, thanks) purely designed to convey to TIAC the information that Red Kryptonite exists. TIAC responds, equally awkwardly, by revealing to the Kents that Silver K exists, also.
"For the love of--" says Bo, wishing, not for the first time that Kryptonians, like dogs, could see only in black and white.
By now, Lana has headed back to the mansion to talk to Sinead, for the second time this episode (the first time it was just so Sinead could show Lana the kick-ass spaceship he discovered earlier in the season). Lana's all incomprehensibly angry about the Silver K.
"TIAC says it's infected him with paranoia," says Lana.
"Let's listen a little less often to things TIAC says."
"Look," says Sinead. "A. Let's listen a little less often to things TIAC says. She's got some strange notions running through her head, that gal. And B. Just because he's paranoid doesn't mean that we're not out to discover that he's from the planet Krypton."
"Stop listening to TIAC," says Lana, jotting in her notebook. "Got it. What was the other one?"
We cut to Superlad's PoV. He's seeing this whole scene as a loving caress between Lana and Sinead. He explodes with jealousy and cuts the power off.
He meets Sinead in the hallway. "Dude, why are you kissing Lana? Don't you know how jealous that makes me??"
"I know. But it's all actually you just going insane. So don't fret. I'm going to pull a gun on you now." He does so. "I don't want to hurt you."
"But I want to hurt you," says Superlad. He rips the gun from Sinead's hand and hurls him down the hall. Then he storms into the basement dungeons where he sees Lana cowering for her life, like the cowering coward she is.
"Lana, don't run away from me!" says Superlad. "You know I only hurt you because I love you!!"
"Superlad? Are you still insane and jealous?"
"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you," says Superlad, making almost no sense now. He chokes her.
Before he can finish her, however, Professor Spike-iac shows up. He's all super-speedy and heat vision-ey and armed with a kryptonite splinter-removal kit-ey, which, as you might imagine, comes in handy. He takes the splinter out of Superlad's shoulder and runs off.
And that's that. Lana forgives Superlad from her hospital bed. ("It was all my fault," she says. "I asked for it." "Damn straight," says Superlad) Sinead and Porthos have one of their usual Luthorian chats in the mansion. Sinead is on top for long periods of the chat, but Porthos pulls out a last-minute victory with a hurtful 'hey, Lana's never going to love you, y'know' (Sinead apparently now loves Lana, for reasons that are best left to the diligent viewer). Bo drops out of the election, but then drops back in at Superlad's insistence ("A drunken promise is a drunken promise, Bo," reminds Superlad). Oh, and Professor Spike-iac explains to Superlad how he's a Kryptonian. He expresses disdain for the humans and invites Superlad to come around to his place sometime to rag on their oddities (eg tendency to bleed, pettiness and lack of super-ventriloquism). But, y'know, not tonight, because he has to drop the Silver K back to the spaceship.
So there we are. Paranoid Superlad - fun for all the family. I give this episode a score that I'm telling everybody else, but not you. Because we're all against you.
Next Week: Turquoise Kryptonite! It gives Superlad bad breath and a tendency towards too much self-deprecation.
Begone,
blog comments powered by Disqus
This here item has so far scored 7 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
If it should be higher, click the green arrow:
And if you think it should be lower, try the red one:
To receive this kind of stuff via a convenient regular email, visit the subscription page
Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
