THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7 / 10 
4: Lois In A Bikini!
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Aquaman!! Is there a superhero name that excites the casual Smallville viewer more? Let's hope not, for the sake of the producers, 'cause that's who we've got.
We begin in the most spectacular and applaudable fashion imaginable. Namely, Lois in a bikini. We linger on this for as long as the censors will allow and then perhaps marginally longer. Superlad stops snogging Lana and curses his crass error. "Damn, woman," he says. "Why can't you have a bod like that?"
Lois is back to live in Superlad's barn. Some explanation was offered for this - something to do with bikinis, I think.
Anyway, Lois goes to do a backflip into Lake Smallville. She smacks her head, Louganis-style, and starts to drown. Superlad swims to the rescue but is beaten there by somebody else swimming even superfaster - it's Aquaman!
And the viewers rejoice!
Aquaman takes Lois to the surface and feels her up and sticks his tongue down her throat. This brings her back to life.
"Yo, hot chick," he says. "I'm Arthur Curry. My friends call me Aquaman. Or Thorpedo." He scowls to himself. "Or Captain Fish-Face."
So now we have Captain Fish-Face doing his surfer-dude best to woo Lois, while Superlad gets the irrits about it.
"Yo, norgs ... I should teach you how to swim."
"Yo, norgs," says Captain Fish-Face. "I should teach you how to swim."
"I know how to swim," says Lois. "I just can't dive for shit."
"No, seriously. Let's get you in a bikini again."
They head back to Lake Smallville and swim. Captain Fish-Face shows off and zooms past her at swimming superspeed. Lois finds this (or perhaps his insanely ripped body) hot! They are about to suck face when the sheer excitement of the prospect causes Captain Fish-Face's ears to bleed in agony.
Meanwhile, over at Smallville U, Superlad's late to class, given by Professor Milton Spike-iac. Professor Spike-iac teaches An Introduction To Supervillains In World History.
"Sinead Luthor is shaping up to be a great supervillain, much like Hitler, or Genghis Khan, or Shania Twain," claims Professor Spike-iac.
Superlad won't hear a word of it. "Sinead is not a saint" -- Superlad is unaware of Sinead's recent manipulation of the Catholic Church -- "but he's not that bad."
"So, I don't suppose you want to help me write a book detailing his evil?"
"Do I get paid?" says Superlad. Spike-iac says no. "Nuts to you," says Superlad. Bo wouldn't approve of an unpaid job. Not with his livin' large farming background.
At the Luthor Mansion, Sinead and his Head Game Programmer Babe are playing on the Mansion Nintendo, shooting down a variety of sea life.
"Woo-hoo! Snagged that octopus! This is your best game ever!" says Sinead. "I bet I can flog this off to the military."
"You do realise we're killing real fish as we play?"
"Even better," says Sinead. And laughs maniacally.
Back at the farmhouse and Captain Fish-Face's ears are all better. He and Lois suck face with gusto. Hell, why not. His bod is ripped, hers is awesome, she's recently had major head trauma. He can't hear a thing she's saying. It's all good.
Superlad sees them snogging. He consults TIAC.
"I bet this guy is some kind of criminal," he says.
"He's a school swimming champion marine life activist," says TIAC, checking out the Aquablog.
"I knew it," says Superlad. He pounds a fist into his palm.
"How did you do that?" says TIAC, for the fist and palm were both from the same hand.
"One of my lesser-known powers," says Superlad. "But back to Captain Fish-Head. Do you think he can talk to fish?"
"Pshaw!!"
Superlad heads into The Death Claw where Lana and Lois and Captain Fish-Head are talking. Superlad behaves like a dick, while Captain Fish-Head exposits for us.
"I'm here to investigate Lake Smallville and the fish that die here. People think that what happens in Lake Smallville doesn't matter but it affects every human on the planet, bro."
Superlad pulls childish faces behind his back.
"You want to go make out some more?" says Lois. "Leave Superlad to be a dick with Lana?"
"No," says Captain Fish-Head. "I've got an, uh, important, um, lab to... uh... bomb."
He drifts out.
"You're right," says Superlad. "I was being a dick. I'm going to go apologise." He heads off. "And I'm taking this coffee mug with me." Heh. That's one more coffee mug the Kents won't have to spring for.
Off to Luthorcorp labs. Captain Fish-Head plants a bomb. Superlad shows up and smothers it with his invulnerable pecs. Boy, if only Lois could've seen that. That's way more kick-ass than swimming fast. They fight underwater. Captain Fish-Head hurls bubbles of water at Superlad. These, um, hurt Kryptonians apparently. Whatever.
They head back to the barn and chat about their awesome fight.
"I'll be surf, you'll be turf and we'll kill dem smurfs."
"Yo, S. I thought I had da power-base covered. But the way you plonked that tick-tock on your pectros? That was awesome, Bro. We can make the team. I'll be surf, you'll be turf and we'll kill dem smurfs."
"What on Earth are you talking about?" says Superlad.
The pair of them agree to go see Sinead and try and stop him from demo'ing his fish-killing Nintendo game to the military.
Off they go. As always, they wander straight into the mansion.
"I don't believe we've had the pleasure," says Sinead to Captain Fish-Head
"Dude, we've only just met!!" says Captain Fish-Head.
"That's what I mea-- Oh, never mind," says Sinead.
"You've got to stop killing fish," says Superlad.
"I don't kill fish. I build high-protein kelp," says Sinead, ripping out one of his more absurd lies.
"You're a tool," says Captain Fish-Head. He storms out.
"Yeah," adds Superlad. He storms out too.
Sinead goes back to his Nintendo console. In this new one, he can shoot Captain Fish-Head with a dart. He does so and then drags him into the mansion dungeon where he tortures him for calling him a tool. Brutally, he doesn't give him a glass of water. Sinead, you ruthless bastard!!
He eventually gets bored with torturing Captain Fish-Head, so wanders off to demo the Nintendo. Superlad shows up, turns the sprinklers on and allows Captain Fish-Head to flex his biceps (and triceps and six-pack and pecs) and bust out of the restraints. Captain Fish-Head swims off and destroys Sinead's Nintendo and ruins things for everybody (well, Sinead).
And that's that. A startlingly good episode. Lois in the bikini. Sinead in full evil cackling supervillain mode. Captain Fish-Head calling Sinead a tool. Sinead taking umbrage at being called a tool. A reference to the JLA. No Boring Old Ma. Very little Lana. An absurd fist-punching handshake farewell between Superlad and Captain Fish-Head. All good stuff.
We end with Superlad joining Professor Spike-iac's book project (Professor Spike-iac: I'm not interested in hiring somebody who changes their mind as often as they change their clothes. Superlad: I'll change my clothes much more often) and Captain Fish-Head trying to swim from Kansas to the sea. And doing so!! Spectacular. Ten out of six!
Next Week: The introduction of that whiny wind-wielding wobot, The Red Tornado!
Begone,
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