THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 5
Score: 8.8 / 10 
20: Lois Takes A Shower!
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Okay, so we're in downtown Metropolis where TIAC and Superlad are on their way to a trial - this being TIAC's idea of a hot date. Suddenly, the pair of them are interrupted by some damn fool stepping in front of a delivery van. Fortunately, this gives Superlad an excuse to escape from TIAC's laborious explosion metaphors and perform a superspeed rescue thing.
"I don't know how to thank you," says the rescue recipient.
"It was nothing," says Superlad. "I just did what anybody else would have done." And then, under his breath, "... if they had butt-kicking Kryptonian superpowers."
"What was that?" said the recipient.
"Hmm? Oh, nothing." And he heads off, mumbling smugly to himself about how he has super-hearing.
The rescue recipient, who is apparently an invisible hitman of the usual type, heads off to invisibly kill the key witness of the trial. So, thanks for nothing, Superlad, would seem to be the dying thought of that poor wretch.
Back to the farm with Superlad, still pissed because the trial got postponed. He throws his giant styrofoam thumb off and heads into the living room. Who should he find there but Lois. Did I mention the other week that Lois is now Senator Boring Old Ma's 2nd In Command? Well, she is. To celebrate, she's playing World of Warcraft on the new plasma television that's been delivered to Superlad.
Superlad immediately suspects Porthos of trying to buy his way into his affections.
"I really don't think Porthos would do this," says Senator Boring Old Ma, showing scant regard for past experience.
Superlad heads over to Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters to consult with TIAC about this 'problem' of a new home theatre system. "Can you do me a favour?" he asks, using the traditional British spelling of 'favour' to show off.
"Are you kidding?" says TIAC. "The amount of times you've saved my delicate keister you can withdraw a coin from the TIAC favour bank any time you like."
"You sound like an idiot."
"Why do you talk like this?" says Superlad. "You sound like an idiot."
TIAC laughs this off.
"No, seriously. It's really, really dumb."
Rather than sulk, TIAC logs into the sale records of the store that sold the home theatre system but can only discover that the theatre was bought in a cash transaction. "It's probably Porthos," she says.
"That's what I thought," says Superlad. "But Boring Old Ma spoke to him and he denied sending it."
"Back to the drawing board, then," says TIAC. For they both know Porthos's word is his bond. "What about Sinead?"
So Superlad heads off to visit Sinead. Lana beats him there, however. She makes a joke about Sinead's improved security (at least, I assume it was a joke), discusses Spike-iac and then proceeds to shamelessly fish for compliments. "What did you miss most about Smallville while you were in Washington?" she asks.
Sinead doesn't fall for the bait and waxes lyrical about the rolling fields, inbred yokels and fresh air of Smallville living. Lana doesn't care. She jumps on his face. The pair of them play kissy-kissy, just in time for Superlad to wander in past the 'improved security'. He catches them in the act and zips off, all inner turmoiley, before either of them see him.
We cut to a norgtastic scene of Lois doing situps in a skimpy lycra outfit. I have nothing amusing to say about this, but feel it should be recorded for posterity. She's interrupted by The Invisible Hitman.
"I'm a friend of Superlad's," says The Invisible Hitman. "Are you his girlfriend?"
"Prrffrt. He wishes. Are you the guy who sent over the home theatre system?"
"Sure am."
"Why? In my world, friends don't give one another $20,000 gifts."
"In my world they do," says The Invisible Hitman.
"Ruh-heally??" says Lois, and starts to rub her hands all over herself in a typically idiotic attempt at seduction.
Superlad's back with TIAC by now, blaming her for the whole Sinead-Lana thing. Which seems fair enough to me. Didn't follow the logic, really, but if anybody's to blame, TIAC surely is.
Superlad then heads back to the barn and, because he doesn't have a photo of TIAC to smash, he smashes one of Lana instead.
This is a cue for The Invisible Hitman to pop in and offer a replacement gift for the home theatre Superlad had foolishly returned. "Let me at least take you out to a debaucherous party," he says.
"Thanks, I'm okay," says Superlad.
"Dude, you hang out in a barn." So he has a point.
Superlad heads off to the party. Lois is also there, all glammed up and falling out of a dress. The pair of them squabble with the sexual chemistry and vow to ignore one another for the rest of the evening. This is okay, because while Superlad's sulking on the balcony, a beautiful woman approaches him.
"Hi," she says. "I'm Gia. I'll be your hooker for the evening."
Well, that's too much for this simple Kansas farmboy. He storms out. The Invisible Hitman interrupts and calls him 'deep' for rejecting a hooker. Superlad then tells The Invisible Hitman all about Sinead and Lana. Because why not? Somebody has to get this plot moving.
Obviously, then, The Invisible Hitman heads off to strangle Sinead. There's a bit of a strangulation scuffle until Lana shows up and interrupts. The Invisible Hitman redisappears and escapes. And then, eventually, Sinead's new security stumble in. Huzzah!
They pop him off to the hospital set where Superlad has a visit.
"How's Sinead?" he says.
"We're just friends," blurts out Lana.
Superlad ignores her. "What did the attacker look like, assuming he wasn't invisible at all times?"
"He had dark hair," says Lana.
The Invisible Hitman, thinks Superlad, for he is good with descriptions. He scowls to himself.
By now, The Invisible Hitman's back at The Death Claw inviting Lois off to see Coldplay.
"Those overrated showponies?" says Lois, snorting seductively.
"Sha Na Na are the support band."
"Then count me in."
Predictably successful with his Lois seduction, The Invisible Hitman heads back home. Superlad bursts in, making wild accusations. The Invisible Hitman hits him with a lamp, which shatters. He disappears. Superlad shrugs and heads off to talk to TIAC again.
TIAC provides much needed exposition about The Invisible Hitman's origin and powers and criminal history. "Be careful, Superlad," she says. "He knows about your powers, and he might also know about your weakness."
"Kryptonite?" says Superlad. "The glowing green meteor rocks that reduce me to a gibbering, vomitous mess?? How would he know about them?"
The Invisible Hitman shakes his invisible eavesdropping head sadly, and leaves the room.
Lois now has a shower. This is Good Television™. She senses somebody watching her and steps out to investigate. She flings the door open to find... Superlad, whose eyes bulge out like a cartoon rabbit.
"It's a man's life in downtown Smallville."
Lois puts on a towel. Superlad thus loses interest and heads off out in the alley for a superbrawl. Nude women and alleyway fist fights. It's a man's life in downtown Smallville. Alas, things don't go completely to plan, with The Invisible Hitman beating his head in with a meteor rock.
"Farewell," says The Invisible Hitman. "I'm off to kill Lana and Sinead."
He sneaks invisibly into Sinead's hospital room. Sinead senses his presence and pulls out his hospital gun. He starts ahooting wildly, winging two nurses and a passing orthopedic surgeon.
TIAC and Lois meanwhile have teamed up to rescue Superlad from the kryptonite and his hideous ringtone. ('Wind Beneath My Wings???' says Lois, reprogramming furiously while TIAC throws the K away.) Superlad zips off to the hospital. I could fly higher than an eagle, he thinks to himself.
One of Sinead's several thousand bullets has also winged The Invisible Hitman. But before Sinead can finish him off, The Invisible Hitman knocks the gun out of his hand. Sinead and Lana run down the hall. The Invisible Hitman tries to shoot them, but Superlad intercepts and catches the bullet. For some reason, Lana gives Sinead the credit for this. "You saved my life," she coos to the bald one.
And that's that. Lana tells Superlad about her and Sinead. "I don't want to lie," she says. "After all, I'm not you." Superlad tells Lana that Sinead is all wrong for her ("He has no hair!" seems to be the key plank in his argument) but Lana won't listen. Senator Boring Old Ma and Lois also bond over their dud choices in men ("I'm dating Porthos!" says Senator Boring Old Ma, with a deranged giggle), neither of them willing to mention Lois's inevitable future dalliances with the Kryptonian in the barn.
Another great episode. Well, not that great, but Lois was nude or near to it for most of her scenes. So, y'know, top marks.
Next Week: The ghost of Bo! Boo!
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