THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.7 / 10 
18: Sinead Takes Down TIAC
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
We've seen little girls on Smallville before and, of course, the monitoring technicians of France's renowned Institut de Smallville immediately decreed those episodes 'desordre ridicule' ('a ridiculous shambles'). Despite this, the writers have opted to get back on the little girl horse and try again.
They have fared no better this time around, with a main plot about a young girl (Carrie) capable of telekinetically smashing glass into pieces and murdering her foster mother. Superlad awkwardly befriends her and has faith in her when others don't and so forth.
Look, I'll just zoom through this as quick as I can so I can get to the juicy, TIAC-humiliatin' subplotty goodness, 'kay?
So we start with the aforementioned Carrie getting cranky with her foster mother and making glass explode and killing her. Okay. These things happen when you're a telekinetic ten year old.
The sheriff then takes Carrie to Senator Boring Old Ma for looking after, precisely as Kansan law dictates. Superlad springs into superheroic bonding action, trying to trick Carrie into talking (Carrie doesn't talk - should have mentioned that earlier). Eventually he succeeds by making a typically insensitive 'Boy, aren't all mute people retards?' comment, which elicits a 'nuh-uh' response.
So now Superlad and Carrie have bonded while Senator Boring Old Ma beams on senatorially. Lois shows up and immediately childish jealousy sets in. Lois claims Carrie's glass-shattering powers clearly make her a murderess. TIAC also chimes in at a later point with a heartfelt 'yeah' and some kind of ridiculous web-based evidence, based on how Carrie's mother was killed (windscreen smashing and inevitable Smallville car crash on her way to a Piper Laurie Lookalike contest).
"Superlad refuses to accept Carrie's pure evil, despite her creepy pigtails."
So it doesn't look good for Carrie with evidence mounting on all sides as to her slaughtering tendencies. But Superlad refuses to accept Carrie's pure evil, despite her creepy pigtails.
"All you're offering me are facts!" he says. "And I don't buy into that kind of fascist mindset."
Anyway, while he's off squabbling with TIAC about precisely how murderous Carrie is and whether or not The L Word is simply titillation for titillation's sake, Lois is disguising her hatred of Carrie by taking the urchin off on a picnic as far away from glass as possible. But Carrie escapes from her 'picnic leash' and runs back to the barn and when Lois goes to fetch her, glass resonates in an ominous fashion.
"Don't make me defend myself desperately from your murderous telekinetic glass-wielding ways by perhaps clutching your arm and whisking you away from here, you little murderous telekinetic glass-wielder, you!" says Lois.
"What's all this about clutching her arm?" says a passing social worker, with a typical focus on the most important issues.
And he takes Carrie away to Smallville Orphan Prison (or whatever it's called). Or, at least, tries to, because then he's murdered by Carrie's dad, who also has murderous telekinetic glass-wielding powers and who we are supposed to believe committed all the murders for which Carrie is clearly responsible. Carrie's dad whisks her away while Lois lounges around on the ground with glass shards in her back. Why she was wearing a backless evening gown to a picnic is never made clear, but she surely regrets it now.
Luckily, Carrie's Dad has a website (carriesdad.blogspot.com) detailing his criminal past and current whereabouts of his mother, so TIAC logs onto that and passes the news onto Superlad.
Superlad has a chat to Carrie's grandmother.
"You have a grandchild!"
"No!" says Carrie's grandmother, for she is of a naturally disbelieving disposition.
"You do. And, despite evidence of multiple murders that any court outside of California would accept as conclusive, she will be living with you by the end of this episode."
"In that case, I shall provide an obscure clue about my son's whereabouts."
And she does, and it's something to do with diamonds and stained glass windows. Somehow this is enough info for Superlad (we can safely assume TIAC helped out here) and he heads off and beats up Carrie's dad and sends him off to prison again (did I mention Carrie's dad has been in prison for diamond robbery? No? Ah. Sorry).
But on the way to the prison he busts out by shattering the spectacles of the guy taking him into custody and sending glass shards into his eyes, killing him instantly. Ha ha ha. That'll teach you, four eyes.
And so he kidnaps Senator Boring Old Ma and threatens to kill her if Superlad moves a muscle. "Now go get Carrie," he orders.
"Well, how do I do that without moving a muscle?" says Superlad, making a salient point.
But then Carrie comes in and she takes control of the glass shard pointed at Senator Boring Old Ma's neck and turns it around to Carrie's dad and there's a battle of telekinetic glass between the pair of them and it's thrilling and transparent and sharp. Eventually Carrie wins and is about to kill her father until Superlad talks sense into her about how even if your father is a great big spaceship you still don't want to kill him, no matter how much he wants you to conquer the world. Which confuses Carrie to such an extent she decides to let her father live. Good for her.
And hey, whaddayaknow, she goes to live with Grandma Glass. But not before doing chores around the Kent household in lieu of board.
So that's the main plot. And a tedious shambles it was, indeed. So let's move on to the subplot.
It begins with Lana and Sinead hanging out in Lana's dorm, discussing secret files on Spike-iac that Sinead has procured from the Government or the Spike-iac blog or wherever.
"I trust you with these files," says Sinead. "I would trust you with anything and I hope you feel the same way about me."
"Um, sure," says Lana, for this is not the time for harsh truths.
And they gaze into one another's eyes until TIAC comes bursting through the door and interrupts the moment in her usual fashion.
The next day, TIAC wanders over to the mansion to wail on Sinead, who is once again magnificently playing snooker with himself. "The electricity between you and Lana could have powered all of Kansas!" she says.
"Shows what you know about Kansan power requirements ..."
"Shows what you know about Kansan power requirements," says Sinead, who has studied alternate energy sources in great depth. "Also, I seriously doubt you're an expert on relationships, seeing as you've never actually had one."
Pow! Sinead pulling out the low blows. But TIAC doesn't flinch. "I know you're used to doing things without considering the consequences, but trust me, if you hurt Lana there will be a consequence and you're looking at her." Pause. Blank stare. "Because, um, the consequence is me. I'm the consequence."
"You're a 'consequence'? What does that mean??" says Sinead.
"Look, forget it. Just don't hurt Lana or I'll be a total bitch all over your bald head."
"Boy, TIAC, it's easy to see why you've never had a boyfriend."
Pow again!
TIAC leaves, trying not to cry.
Ah, TIAC-humiliation. Is there a surer mechanism for boosting the entertainment level of any random episode of Smallville?
Oh yeah, and then Lana and Sinead get together at the mansion to reaffirm their just good friends status and end up sucking face. Blah, blah, blah.
And that's where we end it. Look, it's all pretty dumb, but when Sinead snarks on TIAC's lack of lovin' in such blissfully brutal fashion, you've got to give the episode a pass mark, tedious little girl or no.
Next Week: Porthos is taken hostage. That's Boring Old Ma's job, so she gets taken hostage too.
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