THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.2 / 10 
16: Lana Learns To Cry
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
And we're back. We open with some mysterious investigation by mysterious investigators into a mysterious virus in the middle of a mysterious jungle. It is very unclear what is going on, although Spike-iac shows up to slaughter some investigators and take our minds of the mysterious mystery just before the opening credits mysteriously roll.
Back in Smallville, Lana and Superlad are hanging at The Death Claw. Boy, feels like we haven't seen The Death Claw in ages. You think you kinda miss it, but then you remember 'hey, it's just Lana's lame-ass coffee house'.
Still, this bout of nostalgia's got Lana all horny, as you'd expect. "TIAC's pulling an allnighter at Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters," she purrs. "That means we've got the dorm all to ourselves." And because she knows how obtuse Superlad can be, she licks his neck to accentuate her point.
"Love to," says Superlad. "But can't. Might rain tomorrow and I've got crops to tarpaulin."
This blatant lie might deter a lesser hornbag, but not Lana. "I love it when you come over all farmboyish," she says, idiotically. "I'll wait for you forever. No pressure."
Lana leaves and Superlad is immediately seduced by The Smallville Skank, some blonde tramp with a Medallion'o'Hypnosis. We are supposed to believe it is this medallion that allows Superlad to be seduced so easily, but surely Superlad's well-known penchant for dirty, dirty girls must also be considered.
They head out the back of The Death Claw and start making out. Who should interrupt them in mid-pash, but renowned busybody Lois Lane.
"Who do you think you're doing, Mr Superlad Kent?" she says.
"This is my girlfriend, The Smallville Skank."
Lois fumes, dimples a-blazing.
Over in the mansion, Sinead is filling Lana in on Spike-iac's latest Central American antics. "Professor Spike-iac is in Central America," says Sinead.
"There's a Central America now?"
"There's a Central America now?" says Lana.
Sigh. "Yes. Now Spike-iac was seen mucking about with the spaceship before it disappeared and so--"
"You think he saw who stole it?"
"No. I think he stole it." Sinead turns around. "Now pay attention. Spike-iac is doing something mysterious in Central America and I plan to find out what it is."
"Isn't Smallville in central America?" says Lana. She rubs her chin. "That would explain why those beings from the ship had superpowers. They must have been meteor rock freaks."
"What? No." Sinead looks at her again. "What?"
"It all makes sense," says Lana.
Sinead sighs again. "I'm going down to Central America to investigate. I'll let you know what happens when I get back."
"Okay. If you pass by The Death Claw, pop in and say 'hi'."
Superlad and The Smallville Skank are now back at the Kent Farm where Superlad's just revealing the ol' abilities willy-nilly. He runs to Metropolis and back to pick up champagne. He bends steel in his bare hands. He dons a red cape with little prompting. Oh, Superlad. Bo's only been dead half a dozen episodes and you've already forgotten all he taught you re: secret identities and not shagging slutty blondes.
By now, Lois has run off to TIAC to dob in Superlad. TIAC is in total denial. "Superlad wouldn't shag anybody but Lana," she says. "Trust me. I know."
"Yeah, but this blonde was sexy," says Lois, with unnecessary (but funny) cruelty.
TIAC vows to investigate just how much sexier than her this blonde is, while Lana (who just got back to the dorm) gets a call from Superlad urging her to come back to Smallville to see him. Lana is not at all irritated by this, despite the Metropolis-Smallville drive being about two hours. "Sure, Superlad," she says. "I'll just pop back. No biggie."
Lana, doormat.
Anyways, Lana gets back just in time to see Superlad and The Smallville Skank busily foreplaying it up, all shirtless and risque.
Lana's as about as distraught and emotional as you'd expect, given Kreuk's limited acting range and she sorta sobs in a convincing fashion.
While she's doing that, The Smallville Skank makes a video phone call to Sinead, telling him her mission is accomplished. Lana and Superlad are now broken up forever!
"Excellent!" says Sinead, rubbing his hands in villainous glee. "Now, is there anything remarkable about Superlad?"
"He's one hell of a kisser," says Smallville Skank.
"You're telling me," says Sinead, thinking back to the Day of the Mouth-to-Mouth. "Is that all?"
"Yep," lies Smallville Skank, who must have been reading Bo's secret identity tracts while Superlad slept it off in the barn.
Next morning TIAC confronts Superlad about the, y'know, Skank-Shagging. TIAC runs through all the various kryptonite possibilities that might be clouding Superlad's mind, ruling them all out as the script demands.
Superlad's all denial-ey and 'Back off, bitch!', so TIAC does the only sensible thing. Namely, she steals Smallville Skank's driver's licence and runs it through her computer. Turns out The Smallville Skank is the daughter of Mesmero The Magician. She murdered him for the Necklace'o'Hypnosis and is now on top of things, mind-altering-wise.
Hearing this, Lois heads back to the Kent Farm to sort this out. If anybody's going to get down and skanky with Captain Farmboy, it's gonna be her.
"Boring Old Ma combines guilt trips, rarely used gubernatorial powers and a sawn-off shotgun ..."
By now, however, The Smallville Skank has also hypnotised Boring Old Ma. So, you've gotta know Lois is in all kinds of trouble. Boring Old Ma combines guilt trips, rarely used gubernatorial powers and a sawn-off shotgun to keep Lois in check while Superlad and The Smallville Skank head off to the mansion to kill Sinead, who is back from visiting Spike-iac in Honduras.
Superlad busts in and starts throwing Sinead around. "You must be so strong because you've been hypnotised," says Sinead, who apparently picked up some Central American stupidity virus.
Superlad continues with the throttling, while Sinead talks fast, providing informative backstory even as he is choked to death. TIAC shows up with some kryptonite and takes Superlad down. Smallville Skank orders Sinead to shoot TIAC but she fights back and knocks Sinead's shooting arm so he instead shoots the Necklace'o'Hypnosis into a million fragments (+/- 10%).
This, as you might expect, undoes everything. And presumably results in a grisly death-inducing neck wound to The Smallville Skank. But we don't have time to dwell on that.
Instead, we spend the rest of the episode dealing with Superlad's brilliant plan to, uh, not apologise to Lana. He's been given the out, with TIAC explaining to Lana about the hypnosis and such, and Lana (still all doormattey) saying 'hey, it's cool. We've all done the not in control of our own minds thing. Remember my Season Four Possessed By A Witch Thing Of Which We Must Never Ever Speak Again?'.
"Not really," says Superlad. He, like many Smallville viewers tuned out whenever that came on. "Look. I need to be honest with you--"
"That would be refreshing," says Lana.
Ow. Harsh. Superlad won't take that. "Fine. I don't love you any more."
"I don't believe you," says Lana, insanely full of herself. "Look me in the eye and say that."
He does so, gaze never wavering.
"Fine then," says Lana. "This is it. It's over. I'm breaking up with you forever."
"Um, what? I think I dumped you."
"Talk to the hand," says Lana, leaving to go visit Sinead, a perfectly acceptable backup who doesn't take her plastic prettiness for granted.
Oh, and Sinead and Spike-iac? They kinda made vague threats to one another until Spike-iac suggests they team up to, uh, do something. Date Buffy perhaps? All very vague, really. But there now seem to be multiple Spike-iacs, which (if the movie Multiplicity is any guide) promises all manner of future hijinks.
A perfectly silly episode. Still, Sinead's just getting eviller and eviller, which has to bode well for the future. I give this episode a B Minus and look forward to...
Next Week: Lana sees dead people.
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