THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7 / 10 
14: If There's Something Strange In Your Neighbourhood
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
We open with TIAC having a shower, one of the textbook ways to grab the channel-hopping viewer's attention. She toys with asking Lois to join her, but because this is not Pay-Per-View, there is instead a power failure and a spooky ghost attack.
Next thing we know, TIAC is crying 'help me, help me' to Lois, like a total damsel. Also, her wrists are slashed (TIAC's wrists, that is. Lois's remain unsullied by the smooth touch of Dame Razor).
So we open some credits. This is as entertaining as ever, especially now they've edited in super slo-mo footage of Bo having a heart attack and parenthetically added the phrase 'dead as a doorknob' after John Schneider's name.
I digress. Superlad pops over to the hospital where Dr Guilt Von Trip, TIAC's psychiatrist, informs him that TIAC's suicide attempt is most likely due to either a bad hair day or 'having to keep a secret she can't tell anybody, probably something to do with an alien rocketed to Earth from an exploding planet of some kind'.
Superlad dismisses Dr Von Trip's blatant attempt to embroil him in TIAC's self-loathing and is instead of the opinion that it's most likely some kind of genetic gibber-gibber. Y'know, seeing as how TIAC's mother is a long-term inhabitant of the Smallville Nuthouse.
Superlad suggests this to her. TIAC disagrees.
"I am not my mother!" she says.
"It's like a snake eating its own tail, but in reverse."
"Well, duh," says Superlad. "For one thing, how would you give birth to yourself? It's like a snake eating its own tail, but in reverse. It makes no sense." He snorts at her and drifts off to get a Coke.
Lana shows up. "Look, TIAC," she says. "I came as soon as I heard. I understand why you'd want to off yourself. First me, then Lois. How are you supposed to compete with that? Then last week, with the Miss Universe guest starring as Lip Lass? Sheesh. Why do you bother?"
So TIAC has a mental fit and claims she sees the ghost again.
"No need to have a spaz about it," says Lana, and she wanders off too.
But TIAC doesn't care. She goes on and on about the ghost until the medical staff sedate her. Frankly, I'm of the opinion that there are many episodes that could have done with TIAC being sedated at some point. Still, no point in wondering what might have been.
Back at the farm, Porthos has come a-courtin' on Boring Old Ma.
"I just thought I'd pop in and see how you're feeling," he says, judiciously not mentioning the fact he is horny as goatweed.
"We have a front door," snips Boring Old Ma.
"Uh. No you don't," says Porthos. For Bo sold it to pay for his crazy election promises.
"Well, why don't you call before you come over!" says Ma, still inexplicably snippy.
Porthos smiles sadly. He knows the Kent phone is just for show. And what kind of family makes their son get dressed in a phone booth anyway?
But Porthos offers empathy. "I understand your pain, Boring Old Ma. It can be difficult to get your life back together after you've murdered a loved one."
"Lost."
"Hmmm?" says Porthos, looking around warily for the ratings juggernaut.
"Lost a loved one," says Boring Old Ma. "Not murdered."
"Of course," says Porthos. And he leaves with an elaborate bow and a gift of flowers he procured magically from his sleeve.
Porthos, smooth.
Anyways, by now, Superlad has stolen TIAC from the hospital for no good reason. Something to do with Sinead offering to transfer her to a hospital with properly trained psychiatrists. Superlad won't have that. He's whisked her back to Lois's apartment.
The pair of them squabble with, y'know, the sexual chemistry, until TIAC wakes up and orders Lois to fetch her a cappuccino.
"Yes, your i-magin-esty," says Lois. She sniggers at her pun, but nobody else gets it, so she leaves, mumbling furiously to herself.
So then TIAC sees the ghost again and starts screaming and hollering like a crazy woman. Superlad's looking around for those sedatives when the ghost moon-walks into the wall.
"Look at the wall," begs TIAC.
Superlad sighs. Ever since TIAC learned about the X-ray peepers, it's been 'look through that wall' this and 'spy on the villains in the other room' that and 'check out the lacing on my push up bra' the other.
But he does and there's a skeleton in there. So he punches through the wall to get to it and then collapses from the skeleton's kryptonite bracelet. TIAC ignores his pitiful kryptonite poisoning showboating and investigates further. Obviously, as a result, she's possessed by the ghost.
"... she's speaking in Esperanto."
So now TIAC's inhabited by the spirit of a ghost. She doesn't know her own name, she doesn't know the name of any of her friends, she's obsessed with wreaking unholy vengeance on the man who locked her in the wall, she's speaking in Esperanto.
Nobody notices any of this.
Superlad is now totally bored with this episode. Spookiness? Ghosts? Storms? Horror themes? Bo would have stood for none of this. He would have been driving around like a crazy man, talking drunken sense into the ghosts and repairing a fence.
Superlad decides to sulk and take the rest of the episode off.
Luckily, it doesn't really matter, because it now has a spooky momentum all its own and requires no Kryptonian to move it along. Orderly Whacko from the hospital pops in to visit Lois and ask about TIAC.
"You've popped in here to visit TIAC?" says Lois. "Sure. Look, mister, I know I'm hot, but you're just going to have to control yourself. Because, y'know, dating an orderly? Ew!"
And she shows him out. But then he sneaks back in either by walking through the door because he's a ghost himself! Or, possibly, just opening it quietly. Either way he kidnaps Lois with one of those convenient chloroform handkerchiefs.
And then, even more conveniently, while he's tying up Lois in his basement dungeon, The Ghost Formerly Known As TIAC knocks on his door and, after a stumbling attempt to zap him with a cattle prod, she too is captured and tied up.
So Orderly Whacko rambles on for a good ten minutes about how he murdered TIAC's friendly ghost and how he's going to make Lois slit her own wrists or else he'll shoot TIAC and by slitting her wrists, Lois will give him her secrets or some damn thing. I didn't really follow most of this, but that's okay, because it wasn't very interesting.
The point is that Orderly Whacko gives Lois a knife. So, sensibly enough, she hurls it at him. Then Superlad, having been reminded of his contractual obligations by the producers of the show, bursts in and starts to fight Orderly Whacko. But not very well because of The Ghost Formerly Known As TIAC's kryptonite bracelet. He falls down in a vomiting, trembling heap.
"Oh, perfect," says The Ghost Formerly Known As TIAC. "Do I have to do everything around here?" She touches Orderly Whacko and he is possessed by the ghost and disappears into nothingness, like a snake eating its own tail or a woman giving birth to herself in reverse.
That's that. There's a scene at Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters (where Superlad continues to just, like, hang out - dude, she's trying to work!!). TIAC says 'why do you think the ghost chose me to be its vessel to gain revenge?' and Superlad's all 'hell, woman, don't try and come up with a rationale for the random plot points of this show, or you will go mad'. And then says 'hey, speaking of insane lunatics, why don't you go visit your mother sometime?' And so TIAC does.
And then, not satisfied with that, Superlad also insists Boring Old Ma takes Bo's Senate seat. Because that will be good for a laugh and, besides, it's not as if she's doing anything useful around the farm, what with her shameful lack of superstrength or speed.
Then he has a nap.
Next Week: A visit from a Teen Titan! Sure, it's just Cyborg, but that's better than nothing.
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Begone,
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