THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.6 / 10 
13: Who Watches The Watch, Men?
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
So Superlad's in the barn, sulking because Bo's still dead. Boring Old Ma comes in.
"What are you doing, Superlad?" she asks.
Superlad snorts. Why can't Boring Old Ma ever read the opening paragraph? "Sulking because Bo's still dead," he says. "I thought for sure he'd be back by now."
"Well he's not. This whole coming back to life after dying thing is pretty much restricted to Kryptonians, zombies and the occasional religious leader. And Bo was none of those things."
"I see," says Superlad, unwilling to bring up the unfortunate time that Bo, out of his mind on moonshine, founded The Church of the Latter Day General Lee.
"But enough of your grieving, lad," says Boring Old Ma. "I'm throwing out all Bo's dead clothes. Everything out of the closet!"
Superlad looks startled. "What??" He looks around shiftily.
Boring Old Ma ignores him. "But before I run these clothes down to the Metropolis Ghetto Slum Foundation for Homeless Muggers, I thought I might offer you Bo's watch."
She does so. Superlad looks at it. It's not even digital.
Boring Old Ma rambles on. "I still remember when he taught you how to tell the time with this."
"Of course you do," says Superlad. "It was three episodes ago. And it's 8:45. It's always 8:45. The watch doesn't work."
"No," admits Ma.
"These days, Smallville is an inner suburb of Metropolis."
So she takes it off to Metropolis with Bo's old farm clothes and business suits. Metropolis, BTW, seems to be creeping closer and closer to Smallville each week. In early episodes it used to be a two hour drive to get there. These days, Smallville is an inner suburb of Metropolis.
Anyways, Boring Old Ma is mugged by muggers. They steal the clothes and the watch and then are about to slit her throat. Because, y'know, in Metropolis, muggers know how to get the job done. Suddenly, a leather clad babe in a sexy little mask with lips you just want to suck on for 42 minutes swoops down. She beats up the muggers and flies away.
But the muggers still get away with the watch!
So we have a thrilling episode where Superlad tracks down Bo's watch. He is assisted in this by TIAC (obviously) and (eventually) the leather-clad Lip Lass.
We begin with TIAC and Superlad trying to find Lip Lass (this may seem an unnecessary distraction and waste of time to you and me and, indeed, anybody genuinely concerned about the fate of Bo's damn watch but, alas, we are few in number and the people who are keen to see leather-clad hotties in masks are legion). So TIAC and Superlad are trying to flush Lip Lass from the shadows. They do this by pretending to be mugger and muggee, a tactic that only succeeds when they switch roles and Superlad shows TIAC how to emit a really convincing girlish scream.
Lip Lass shows up, there's a bit of a fight and suddenly Lip Lass's sexy mask falls off. And it turns out she works at Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters with TIAC, who was too stupid to notice because she wears glasses. Also, Superlad didn't notice despite the fact she bumbled into him earlier in the day.
Superlad rubs his chin in thought at this idea. Glasses. Clumsy oaf. He locks it away for future reference.
So Superlad and Lip Lass leave TIAC in the slums, at the corner of Murder Lane and Rape Alley, while they go off to have awful expositionary dialogue with one another.
"I was stabbed in the heart by a mugger who killed my mother," says Lip Lass. "I was saved by a heart transplant from one of your, how do you say, meteor rock freaks."
"Awesome."
"I returned to Metropolis, vowing to fight crime in a kinky little mask wherever I could, and avenge my mother, who was a tireless worker for the Metropolis Anti-Mugger's League."
"Awesome."
"I got a job at Daily Planet Rebel Headquarters because it is the best place to hear of any drama or crime in Metropolis."
"Awesome." (He makes another mental note - this chick is full of great ideas, despite the tedious exposition.)
"I wear the glasses, because I can't see very well."
"Awesome."
"When I fight crime in my hot little mask, I use Acuvue contact lenses, as nine out of ten Product Placement Optometrists recommend." She turns to the camera and holds up a contact lens. "Acuvue, for when superheroes need to see."
After that commercial break, the pair of them decide to team up to track down Bo's damn watch. Through a combination of super-hearing, fake pizza deliveries and pouting, they find their way to the mugger who mugged Boring Old Ma and killed Lip Lass's mother.
Superlad lifts the mugger up by the throat, Darth Vader-style and threatens to crush the life out of him, unless he tells him where Bo's watch is.
"I dunno," says the mugger. "I think I donated it to charity."
Superlad is furious. He hates charity. But before he can squeeze any further, Lip Lass pulls out some kryptonite and knocks him down. And then does some mugger-confrontin' of her own.
"Why'd you kill my mother?" she says.
"Porthos told me to," says the mugger.
"... if Porthos told you to get stabbed through the heart by a leather-clad babe, would you do it?"
"Yeah? And if Porthos told you to get stabbed through the heart by a leather-clad babe, would you do it?"
"I guess," says the mugger. Lip Lass stabs him through the heart, as Superlad watches on, helpless and glowing green. She soars off to confront Porthos.
Porthos and Sinead have had a few scenes by now. Mostly the usual Luthorian wiles, with Porthos making secretive stock market maneouvres via shell companies in Asia and the judicious selling of bond options and leveraged Class B holdings to regain control of Luthorcorp, whose share price has been weakened by Sinead's recent failed run for Senator and a downturn in third quarter profits. Porthos's hostile takeover bid is only foiled at the last minute by Sinead's threat to reveal to Boring Old Ma and the Luthorcorp board that Bo died as a result of a Porthos barn brawl.
Just another business day at Luthorcorp, really.
Porthos departs, scowling, but still determined to seduce Boring Old Ma with his hairy sense of style.
Lip Lass bursts through the window, yelling angrily and sexily. Porthos denies everything, including his obviously aroused state. Superlad shows up, having recovered from the kryptonite with the aid of a passing street urchin.
"Don't kill him," suggests Superlad.
"I have to," says Lip Lass. "I know you. You're going to turn me in for murdering that mugger. I might as well kill Porthos too."
"Now, now," says Porthos. "Let's not be hast--"
And she flings him out the window. Superlad dashes over and catches him. Lip Lass flies away. And that's that.
The next day, TIAC ("gee, thanks for leaving me in the slums of Metropolis, Superlad") and Superlad ("no problemo - nice push-up bra") head over to Lip Lass's desk. It's empty. She's gone.
"Do you think we'll ever see her again?" says Superlad.
"Perhaps, if this episode rates well enough. Hell, they spun off an Aquaman show. Anything's possible." She sighs. "Hey, do you think you will ever someday do what she did? Fight crime in Metropolis while being a reporter in your spare time?"
"Maybe I will Lois," says Superlad. "Maybe I will." And he turns and winks at the camera.
"I'm TIAC," says TIAC. "And you're winking at the wrong camera. The one with the red light on, remember?"
But Superlad's already gone.
Back to the farm where Boring Old Ma is playing old home videos of Bo, drunkenly driving his tractor around like a maniac. She and Superlad have a tearful, grieving hug as they think about how much they will miss Bo's drunken rages.
"Did you find Bo's watch?" says Boring Old Ma, eventually.
"Oh... damn." He slaps his forehead.
But Lana found it. Apparently. Some gibberish about visiting every charity pawn shop in Metropolis until she found it. She's left it on Superlad's pillow. It's not technically the right one (the engraving reads 'Happy Bar Mitzvah, Abe Speigelmann') but it's close enough.
Next Week: There's ghosts afoot. Who ya gonna call? That's right. Lois.
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Begone,
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