THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.6 / 10 
12: The Wrong Choice
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Like Hamlet, or Dude, Where's My Car?, tonight's 100th episode of Smallville is an epic study of choices, and the unthinkable tragedies that can take place if, in the face of life-altering decisions, the wrong path is chosen.
Of course, unlike either of those two classics, I'm not referring here to character choices, but rather the choices of the writer.
Here's what we know: 1) It's the 100th episode, 2) somebody close to Superlad will die!! (and not any of that mamby-pamby 'physically nearby' kind of close, we're talking emotionally close here, people).
So we begin with Superlad inviting Lana over to the barn. He's listening to You're Beautiful by James Blunt. This is 'their' song that they use to remind themselves just how very pretty they are. He has also insisted she wear a ski bunny outfit. She wants to know why. He says he'll show her. So off they scoot to the North Pole via those bloody caves.
There, Superlad shows off his fortress. "This is the bottle city of Kandor," he says. "It's a real city full of real live Kryptonians that have been shrunk down to live in a bottle. This is the stick I use to stir them up." He demonstrates.
"This is my Phantom Zone projector--" he then goes on to say, before Lana interrupts him.
"What is all this?" she says.
"Oh," says Superlad. "Almost forgot. I'm from the planet Krypton. This means I can fly and burn things with my eyes and run like a bloody whippet."
"Ooo-kay," says Lana.
"He gets down on one knee and asks Lana to do a jewellery course with him ..."
"Um," says Superlad. "Also, I can do this." And he crushes some coal in his hand and forms a diamond which he mounts on a ring. He gets down on one knee and asks Lana to do a jewellery course with him at the local Smallville Community College.
She hesitates, so he changes that to a marriage proposal.
Opening credits.
Lana's gonna die!
Superlad goes home to tell everybody about his proposal to Lana. First he tells Bo and Boring Old Ma. Bo, as you might imagine, is too bloody furious with the revelation that he told Lana about the powers to even focus on the proposal. (BTW, Lana hasn't answered yet, because, I dunno, Superlad wanted to give her time to think about it. Which makes not a jot of sense. This whole Lana thinking nonsense just has to stop.)
Before Bo can pull out his thrashing stick, however, Boring Old Ma undercuts him.
"I'm proud of you, Superlad," she says.
Bo shoots hatred at her with his eyes.
"Yeah. Whatever. Proud. What she said," he says, and storms off to the barn to milk some chickens.
Superlad then heads off to tell TIAC that Lana knows about the powers.
"Aw, man. Now I don't feel special any more."
"You're not special, TIAC," says Superlad. "You know that. Also, I've proposed to her."
"Oh," says TIAC, as her little heart dies some more. "If anybody deserves to be happy, it's you." She offers a weak, crushed smile.
"That's true," says Superlad. "Righto. Later, then."
While all this is going on, random poorly written background actions take place. They serve a purpose later. For now they just irritate.
Oh, also, Lana and Lois have had a veiled conversation about how Lana should respond. This is as tedious as you might imagine any veiled conversation on Smallville that doesn't feature a pair of Luthors might be. I mention it only because Lois says at one point that she hopes one day she'll meet a man as ruggedly handsome as Superlad. Ah, desperate futuristic irony, how we love your cold, emotionless embrace.
Lana returns to the Kent farm, dithers a little in her response, but after Superlad crushes forth a few diamond earrings, she splutters out a 'yes'.
Lana's gonna die!
At the election party, we then find out Bo's won the election. Boo-ya!! Senator Kent. Kansas, take note. There's a new force in town, and he's all about the whuppin'!
Sinead, as you'd expect, is bald and furious at the election loss. And, delightfully, drunk out of his hairless scone. He calls Lana, who heads on over to the mansion to visit and console him.
Sinead is in magnificent form. He's drunk and rambling about Porthos's shadow (apparently, it envelops Sinead - is Porthos the All-New Shadow Lass??) and forging identities and also makes drunken fun of the fact Lana's father is dead.
"Jebediah Small is dead?" says Lana, referring to an old abandoned subplot where Lana had a lost biological father who didn't die in the meteor shower.
Sinead sighs. "No," he says. He then sees the ring on Lana's finger and makes several cutting jibes about the poor-quality workmanship of the setting. "The cut is awful," he says. "It looks like somebody just crushed a rock into whatever shape they felt like."
Lana storms out, furious at Sinead's remarkable eye for gemstone clarity, and drives off. Sinead drives after her, weaving all over the road, chugging brandy as he goes. He roars up beside her and yells at her to pull over. She doesn't listen and gets hit by a late-night school bus and dies.
Lana's dead!
She was also on the phone to Superlad at the time. See, kids? This is why you use a hands-free set. Anyhoo, Superlad runs to the scene and finds her dead body. He screams in fury. Bo consoles him. At first you think 'Hoo! Boy howdy, Bo, that's some slick driving to get there so quickly.' But we'll come back to that later.
So Smallville viewers around the world are dancing a jig. This is perfect, we think. A perfectly acceptable wedge to drive between Sinead and Superlad. A perfectly acceptable path to villainy for Sinead to take. And, y'know, a perfectly acceptable dead Lana.
And then... the writers choose the wrong path and that damn SS Jor-El steps in.
After heated discussion, a veritable barrowload of home-crushed diamonds and a frenzied game of Strip Backgammon, Superlad earns the right to live the day again and make choices that don't lead to Lana's death.
Sigh. Lana's not going to die.
So we start the episode again. You're Beautiful. The ski bunny outfit. The query as to its purpose. But this time? Superlad responds with "I just think you look hot in a ski bunny outfit."
"Well, obviously, Mr Superlad Kent. If that's all you have planned then we'll break up forever!"
And they do. So then Superlad tells TIAC he's lived the day before and predicts the poorly written scene from earlier as evidence. "That's no proof," says TIAC. "Scenes with poor writing are a dime a dozen around here."
Regardless, she agrees to follow Lana all day and make sure she doesn't drive into a bus or whatever.
"See?" says TIAC. "Dime a dozen."
Over to the election victory party and this time around Lois has fallen unconscious and become almost electrocuted. Why this would happen just because Lana and Superlad aren't engaged, is not explained. "See?" says TIAC. "Dime a dozen."
But perhaps we can assume that it's because this is Lois's passive-aggressive way of making a play for the now-single-again Superlad. Who knows? Regardless, Superlad takes his eyes off Lana to, y'know, place 'em on Lois. Also, TIAC's too upset with the prospect of Lana living to keep a proper watch over her.
Lana slips off to the mansion again. Sinead and Lana chat, Sinead still rollickingly drunk. He goes the pash on Lana, who resists.
"If I had Superlad's hair, you'd kiss back, wouldn't you?" says Sinead, bald with envy.
And then car chase, yelling, drunken weaving. But this time Superlad dashes up in that damn nick of time and secretly pulls the bus to a halt before it can kill Lana.
Lana's not dead.
Curse you, writers!! Curse you, SS Jor-El!! Bo also zooms past. He's actually on his way back to the barn to meet with Porthos for the, y'know, corruption and political skullduggery.
"I admire your courage, Bo," says Porthos. "Not many people would run for Senate with such a large secret to hide." And he hands Bo a photo of Boring Old Ma's Playboy shoot.
Bo responds the only way he knows how. With a fist fight and a heart attack.
And Bo Kent, the Whuppin' King of Smallville himself, dies.
Not Lana. Bo.
Sigh.
Does anybody want to guess what Boring Old Ma says? That's right: "Nooooo!!!"
But does she blame Superlad for this, even when he reveals the events of the plot and the switching of Bo for Lana deal? She does not. Because fury can be such an interesting emotion, y'see. She holds no truck with it.
We have a funeral. The entire cast shows up. Even Porthos, who leers at Boring Old Ma like the wily old sea dog he is. Time for some Porthos Seduction Magic, he says. And rubs his hands together with glee.
And that's that.
So, let's see. Sinead sacrifices a future of law-abiding goodness and suburban happiness to ensure Lana lives. Superlad sacrifices his own father to ensure Lana lives. And Lana herself? Well, she sacrificed, uh, those huge, godawful earrings to ensure, um, no more neck pain.
Is there no way to rid ourselves of her!?!
I guess not. Lana's not dead. Sigh.
Next Week: We begin the countdown to the 200th episode where, hell, perhaps Lois will sacrifice her dimples to ensure Lana will live.
Discuss this episode at Kryptonsite
Begone,
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