THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.2 / 10 
1: Liar, Liar, Red Underpants On Fire
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
It's time for Season 5. The Smallville writers propose we therefore start, sensibly enough, at the North Pole and work our way south. Let's follow their lead and open with Superlad chillin' out at the North Pole, complete with a crystal from last season's season finale.
Because he's seen Superman: The Movie, Superlad knows he needs to hurl the crystal into the ice depths where it will construct a magnificent house made of ice in a matter of seconds and completely on budget. It is little wonder that Superlad is the envy of construction workers worldwide.
He wanders inside. "Hello," says a voice.
"Santa?" says Superlad.
Sigh. "No, it's me."
"Rudolph?"
"It's me, you fool child. The SS Jor-El."
"Oh." He throws away his list.
Back at Smallville, Lana is checking out the new spaceship that's landed. It turns out it's occupied by a couple of hot, leather-clad aliens: Jayna and Zan, the Wonder Twins.
The military show up to attack, presumably because they've had a gutful of spaceships landing in Smallville or, y'know, because they had a military arsenal and nothing better to attack. Heck, maybe they've just got something against leather-wearing types. Who can say. Regardless, before you can say 'Wonder Twin Powers Activate', Jayna and Zan destroy everything with heat vision and a general bad-ass attitude.
Meanwhile, over at the farm, Lois and Bo are digging Boring Old Ma out of the collapsed ruins of the barn, where she tediously lies, barely breathing. "Boy, this is a boring scene," says Lois.
"Agreed," says Bo.
So instead over to those damn caves, where Sinead is regaining consciousness. He's still pissed at TIAC. Don't really remember why. He's also, like, curious as to where she might have disappeared when she fell into that magical ball of light.
Well, it turns out she went where any sane person would go once they'd fallen into a ball of light - namely the North Pole.
Sinead is not privy to this information, however. So he's just running around saying 'TIAC, where the hell are you??' over and over, embarrassing himself. Jayna and Zan show up and challenge him to a game of Questions.
"Who are you two?" says Sinead.
"Are you Kal-El?" says Zan.
"Who wants to know?"
"Where did you get that key?"
"Is an octagon really a good shape for a key?"
"Are you criticising the great minds of Krypton?"
"What's Krypton?"
"Who wants to know?"
Zan is buzzed out for repeating a question. Betraying the sore loser tradition of Krypton, the Wonder Twins take the key and fly away to play games less reliant on improvisational skills.
As discussed, however, TIAC is at the North Pole. She's dying of hypothermia. Or possibly an overly-clever special effect that shows the Fortress of Solitude in her eyeball. (Ouch!)
Superlad is inside the fortress having a chat with the SS Jor-El. The SS Jor-El wants him to buckle down and work hard on his studies. No more goofing off, fighting supervillains and running off to China at the drop of a magic stone. It's time to study and get into a decent college.
"Can't I just get a football scholarship?"
"Dude," says Superlad. "Can't I just get a football scholarship?"
"NEVER!!" roars the SS Jor-El, clearly as tired of football-related subplots as the rest of us.
Superlad sighs. He commences his study under the SS Jor-El's watchful gaze. First up, it's Marine Biology. (Handy for the upcoming Aquaman episode.)
He finishes that and moves onto Kryptonian verbs and adverbs. He's just about to begin trying to wrap his head around third-person pronouns when TIAC insensitively interrupts him with her showpony dying behaviour.
"Hey, SS Jor-El," says Superlad. "Time for a study break?"
"Why, oh why do you put the entire fate of the planet at risk to save individual humans?"
"Force of habit?" says Superlad.
"Go. Rescue her, then. Just be back by sunset."
"Sunset here, in the North Pole? Or sunset in Smallville? Do I need to consider the axial tilt of the Earth? The timing of the seasons and the length of the day at this extremity of the planet?"
"Just go already," says the SS Jor-El, already regretting giving Superlad all this book-learning.
"I'll be back," lies Superlad. "I promise."
"Hey," says TIAC. "I know you have powers. Get me outta here."
"Okay," says Superlad, racing off. A thought occurs to him. "Wait a second. You know what now?"
Back to Smallville where Sinead avoids running down Lana in order to discuss the Wonder Twins.
"We need to stop them," says Lana. "They came out of a spaceship."
"Yeah, right," says Sinead, curiously disbelieving for somebody who just saw two people fly out of a cave. "You've been in a helicopter crash. You've bumped your noddle. You've developed an unconvincing limp. Maybe you just imagined the spaceship."
"Fine, be like that. I'll limp away dramatically and stop them myself."
"Weren't you limping on the other leg before?" says Sinead.
"Bastard," says Lana. How is she supposed to keep track of such things? She's not a nurse or continuity person. She collapses furiously.
Over at an Alaska hospital, TIAC and Superlad discuss how long TIAC's known about Superlad's powers.
"Since Episode 12 last year."
"Oh man," says Superlad. Bo's going to be sooo mad. "Hey, guess what?" he adds. "I'm also an alien."
TIAC pulls out every variation of the startled look one might imagine. "But you look so..."
"Buff?"
"Human," says TIAC.
"You were going to say 'buff', though, weren't you?" He dismisses her, smiles self-importantly to himself and turns the television on, hoping to catch some of America's Next Top Model. Instead, he's reminded about meteors and stuff. He tries a few other channels. Nothin'. TIAC insists he dash back to Smallville.
"Run to Smallville from Alaska??" says Superlad. "I don't think so."
"Ummm... I know about your powers, remember?"
"Powers?? What powers??" For the lies have become a way of life.
Lana wakes up in the mansion. Porthos is scratching Kryptonian symbols into the fine wooden floor. It is clear he's gone one hundred and ten percent insane. Those scratches are going to be a bitch to buff out.
"Their home is their only poison," he says.
"They live in a poisonous house?" says Lana.
"Their home is their only poison," tries Porthos again.
"Ummm... I don't understand," says Lana.
"'Oh, for Darkseid's sake,' says Porthos."
"Oh, for Darkseid's sake," says Porthos. He gets up and opens up the Luthor Mansion Spare Room of Kryptonite. "Use this on them." Then reverts back to his insane scratching and rambling.
Back at the hospital, Jayna and Zan show up and throw Bo and Lois around for a bit of a laugh. Boring Old Ma continues to lay thrillingly unconscious while all this takes place.
Luckily Lana shows up and tells the Wonder Twins that 'Kal-El' (the Wonder Twins are looking for Kal-El. Should have mentioned this earlier) is back at the Luthor Mansion, having a rum-based cocktail.
"Well, okay," says Zayna. "Let's go."
By now, Superlad's arrived back at the Kent farm. Who should be waiting for him there but Sinead.
"Hey, Michael!" says Superlad. "How was hiatus?"
"In character," whispers Sinead, angrily.
"Oops," says Superlad. "Sorry. What's this scene about again?"
Sinead sighs. "I'm worried about TIAC," he eventually says.
"Really?" says Superlad. "Why?"
"Because she was in the caves and there was this whirl of bright lights, brighter than I've ever seen and then when I woke up she was gone."
"It must have been the Aurora Borealis," says Superlad, once again quick as a whipping post with the lies.
"In the Smallville caves?"
"Sure."
"Are you lying to me, Superlad?"
"Who? Me??" He snorts. "Ridiculous. Now, I have to run to the Smallville hospital and have Lois tell me about the Wonder Twins."
"Run to the hospital?" says Sinead.
"Drive to the hospital. That's what I said. Drive."
So he runs to the hospital, where Lois tells him about Zan and Jayna and how they're looking for Kal-El. 'Do you know him?' 'No,' lies Superlad.
Back at the mansion, Lana tries to unleash her pitiful trap with the Luthor Mansion Room o' Kryptonite. Zan and Jayna block the door off with a handy lead pool table and then throw Lana into a wall for being so stupid.
Superlad shows up and the Wonder Twins make their pitch. "Come," they say. "Join us in ruling the world. You can wear a cool leather outfit."
"Does it come with a cape?" says Superlad.
"Um, no."
"Then nuts to you."
They fight. Zan throws a magical Phantom Zone vacuum cleaner at Superlad that starts to suck him in, never to escape.
The Wonder Twins watch just long enough to see that Superlad is about five seconds from being sucked away forever.
They then turn away. "There is no need to spend five more seconds of our life watching to make sure that the only person capable of stopping us is eliminated," says Jayna.
"No," agrees Zan. "Not when there is the powerful gazing out of the Luthor mansion bay windows to be done.
"Let us gaze, and simply assume that Superlad is defeated."
They do so. He's not. He gets out and throws them in. They float away, no doubt never, ever, under any circumstances to return.
Superlad goes to help Lana and, in doing so, causes the sun to go down. Um, at superspeed.
Boy, he thinks. I sure hope that the SS Jor-El was referring to Arctic Circle local sunset time, rather than a completely illogical Smallville sunset time.
Nope. The SS Jor-El is working on whatever time best suits his needs and he therefore decides to strip Superlad of his powers. Superlad emits body odour and bleeds to demonstrate this.
When Bo finds out after the ad break, he's mightily peeved. "Who the hell is going to help me rebuild this barn?"
"I'll help one piece at a time."
"Aw, man," says Bo. "That'll take ages. What's the number of that Flash kid?"
And that's about that.
Of course, Superlad's also totally forgotten that he's left TIAC in an Alaskan hospital. Not surprising, really. After all, she's only proven herself to be the finest friend he's ever had. How could he possibly be expected to remember a triviality such as her being trapped in a hospital halfway across the continent.
It's lucky then that Sinead's been paying attention. He flies up there and picks her up, all full of suspicions and intrigue and personal jet seating.
Superlad drops into the hospital where Lois explains that she's talking huskily because her windpipe was partially crushed.
"I kinda find it sexy," says Superlad.
"You're an idiot," says Lois.
Superlad then goes to visit Lana. They talk about being in love and how Superlad now doesn't have to lie any more about having superpowers. They kiss passionately. Probably still have to lie about being an alien, though, thinks Superlad. Don't want to drop all my lying tendencies right away.
Oh, and that other spaceship? Sinead's taken it and deposited it deep in the bowels of Luthorcorp. Along with, y'know, some kind of liquid metal being. But I'm sure that's not going to prove important.
Next Week: The adventures of a Kryptonian without any powers. Action like you've never seen it before.
Begone,
blog comments powered by Disqus
This here item has so far scored 7.2 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
If it should be higher, click the green arrow:
And if you think it should be lower, try the red one:
To receive this kind of stuff via a convenient regular email, visit the subscription page
Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
