THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.1 / 10 
9: Hot Cross Brunettes
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
A moral tale this week. We open with Sinead at some tedious charity ball. It's not made clear what the charity was, but I'd like to think that it was for early hair loss. And therefore, that is what is it for, such is the power I wield.
Anyway, it goes without saying that there's a hot brunette there that catches Sinead's eye. And, indeed, ear as she invites him to listen to her mp3 player.
"What's it playing?" asks Sinead.
"My favourite song," says Hot Brunette.
Sinead listens, and it's This Ole House by Shakin' Stevens. So naturally he has no choice but to take her back to the hotel room and bonk her silly.
Fair enough, you might think, but then you didn't notice that the next morning when Sinead woke up the girl was dead and Sinead was covered in her blood.
Sinead and his (hot brunette) lawyer post bail and they stroll back to the mansion where Superlad is waiting impatiently.
"Just tell me you didn't do it," says Superlad.
"Didn't do what??" says Sinead.
"Kill that girl!"
"Oh, that," says Sinead, who had been worried that Superlad had been talking about the whole 'obsession with him' thing again. "No, I didn't murder her. It's Porthos, he's framed me, that wily sea dog."
"Hmmm..." says Superlad, rubbing his chin and pretending to understand what's going on.
Anyway, Superlad gets a call from Porthos who invites him to a prison bazaar. Bo and Boring Old Ma see nothing strange in this. They know that many teens have to push their boundaries by, y'know, taking phone calls and visiting billionaire convicts. It's a natural phase of growing up.
"Superlad will have none of that body-switching nonsense."
"Superlad," says Porthos. "Glad you could make it." He goes to shake Superlad's hand, but Superlad will have none of that body-switching nonsense.
Anyway, Porthos goes on to explain how he doesn't remember what happened with all that, but he does know that he recalls a spirit of strength and goodness inside of his body and now his liver is cured and so forth.
"Cool," says Superlad. "Um, wicked," he adds while trying to think of something else to say.
"Anyway," says Porthos. "Enough of my infernal born-again lies. Let's talk about Sinead. This woman, was she a hot brunette?"
"Yes, she was!!" says Superlad, astounded. How could Porthos have possibly known that??
"Did she leave a car in the hotel?"
"I don't know," says Superlad.
"Well, if you're going to be my henchman, you're going to have to check that out."
"Yes sir," says Superlad, salutes and runs off.
He runs around for a good twenty minutes before he realises that he has no plan at all and finally ends up back with TIAC, browsing the web.
"Whatchu lookin' at?" says Superlad.
"Oh, I'm on www.sineadstalker.net," says TIAC. "They've got the address of the woman who died."
Superlad dashes off to the brunette's house and bumps into Sinead who is also there burning the evidence of her obsession with him.
"Hello, hello, hello, what's all this then?" says Superlad.
"Just burning all the evidence of this woman's obsession with me." Because he read the earlier paragraph.
"But aren't these photos the kind of thing that would give you a motive and incriminate you further?" says Superlad.
Sinead taps his nose triumphantly. Superlad shrugs his shoulders and wanders off.
He heads back to visit TIAC who is still nerding it up on the web.
"Oh, you're back," says TIAC. "I barely even noticed that you'd dashed off at blinding speed. But hey, look here. They've now got video of Sinead's grope session with the hot brunette who died."
So they watch that for a bit and have a laugh. TIAC also notices that the hot brunette lost an earring during the, y'know, passion and yet when she was found dead she had two earrings again. Because, apparently, TIAC is the single most observant person on Earth. Anyway, somehow they conclude this means that there's two hot brunettes. And, presumably, three earrings.
There then follows a playful and ludicrous scene where Superlad and TIAC re-enact the Sinead and Hot Brunette gropefest in the elevator. Nobody is quite sure why they are doing this and even a passing family visiting the set is confused beyond description.
Also, Superlad is complaining about how Sinead is, like, not a virgin.
"I can't believe that he had sex with all those women!" says Superlad.
"Excuse me?" says TIAC, aware that Sinead is a billionaire playboy.
"I just thought he'd save himself for... y'know... somebody special ..."
"I just thought he'd save himself for... y'know... somebody special," says Superlad. He looks at the ground, blushes, then turns his X-ray vision on and finds the lost diamond earring at the bottom of the elevator shaft.
As you or I would do if we found a diamond earring at the bottom of an elevator shaft, Superlad immediately takes it to Porthos.
"Look!" he says. "A diamond earring."
"I suspected as much," says Porthos, and leans back, doing his best to look like the wisest person ever. Which is somewhat undermined by the orange prison uniform. But whatever...
Anyway, by this stage it goes without saying that Sinead has gone to visit his lawyer who is still a hot brunette and who is also found murdered. By whom, you might be thinking. Well, by a, um, oh let's see, a hot brunette.
This other hot brunette knocks Sinead out, drags him back to the mansion, ties him up, pours petrol in a circle around him, eats some chicken wings, then drops a candle on the circle of death.
Her behaviour is a long story, but essentially she, too, is cranky because Sinead shagged her then dumped her. I say: hot brunettes? Get over it.
Blah, blah, blah. Superlad bursts in, knocks hot brunette out, takes his shirt off, eats some chicken wings, flaps the fire away and runs off again before anybody notices a thing.
And there we are. Sinead and Porthos have a chat where Porthos tells Sinead about his recovered innards and then asks if he (Porthos) can be his (Sinead's) father again.
"I doubt it," says Sinead, because he's already built the time machine and made plans to go back in the past and have his mother fall in love with Jor-El. Or, possibly, Buddy Holly.
Meanwhile, in case you were wondering what Lana was up to (and I have to assume that perhaps 3-7% of you were wondering this), she's dreaming about being a witch and fighting Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman, who is WM2's mother, or some damn thing. Look, when this subplot graduates to real plot, I'll yawn and tell y'all about it. Until then, let's just let it be, huh?
And finally Superlad and Sinead have a chat where Superlad gives Sinead a pamphlet on the Joys of Saving One's Self Until Marriage. "Pre-marital celibacy!" says Superlad. "Let's make it cool again!!" He gives Sinead the thumbs up and raises his hand for a high five, which Sinead (wisely) pulls out of.
All well and good. Nice to know the secret origin of Sinead's seemingly endless supply of hot brunettes. Let's give this one a B (for brunette) and look forward to...
Next week: I'm led to believe there is no Smallville next week, perhaps due to Thanksgiving, perhaps due to Luthor machinations. But the week after, let's assume that Lana does something dull.
Begone,
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