THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.3 / 10 
7: Mxyzptlk, Mr Mxyzptlk
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
A golden lesson in padding this week as the writers take a paragraph's worth of plot and somehow stretch it out to 43 fun-packed and idiot-filled minutes.
Here's the plot: there's an exchange student in town named Mxyzptlk. He's a bookie and he has the ability to control people's bodies with a single uttered command. He bets against Superlad winning the final football game. But Superlad wins it regardless. The End.
Simple enough, but let's choose some random scenes to pad out, Smallville style, shall we?
First we have the opening scene where Mxyzptlk makes Superlad stumble and collide into a defender. The defender gets a broken collar bone for his efforts whereas Superlad gets a touchdown and a dressing down from Bo.
"Superlad," says Bo. "It's too dangerous for you to play football."
"Haven't we had this conversation before?" replies Superlad. Like, every other episode this season, yes.
"Enough of your deja vu lip, son," says Bo. "Now go quit the team."
Needless to say, Superlad doesn't quit the team because where would the fundamental conflict between Bo and himself be if Superlad simply did whatever Bo told him to do?
Here's another scene to pad out the flimsy, flimsy plot.
WM2 comes up to Superlad and says "Hey, S, we're a bit suspicious about the fact that you've suddenly emerged from nowhere to be the greatest running quarterback in the history of Smallville High."
"Shucks, thanks WM2," says Superlad, kinda missing the point.
"You're not using performance enhancing drugs, are you?"
"You're not using performance enhancing drugs, are you?" asks WM2.
"Only if possessing powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men thanks to my super-efficient cells optimally processing the rays of the yellow sun of Earth is considered a performance enhancing drug, yes."
"I'll have to check the guidelines," says WM2, and wanders off.
Another scene:
Superlad and TIAC talk about Mxyzptlk's powers. They're both a bit concerned about the fact that Mxyzptlk seems able to just override the brain's commands to the body and replace them with his own commands.
"I'm sure this has something to do with locusts," says TIAC, from nowhere.
"You're probably right," says Superlad. Heck, she's the one who reads the scripts.
Another scene.
Sinead is playing snooker with himself. Gawd, how I love it when he does that. Superlad comes in to dob on Mxyzptlk. (Oh, forgot to mention, Mxyzptlk is at Smallville because he won one of Porthos's world-famous Fifth Dimensional Imp Scholarships. So Superlad figures that if Sinead wants to bust Mxyzptlk outta the country, then he's perfectly able to do so.)
"I don't like this Mxyzptlk character," says Superlad. "He gambles and swears (probably) and has an implausible accent."
Sinead raises an imperious eyebrow and sinks the yellow in the corner pocket.
"Anyway, you should get him exported."
Exported? thinks Sinead, then sinks the blue.
"Hey, what's up with WM2 and Lana?" asks Sinead finally.
"Who knows?" says Superlad. "I think everybody kinda blanks out when their subplot comes on."
"Hmmm..." says Sinead.
Another random scene.
Mxyzptlk comes to visit Superlad in the barn.
"Choke," he says.
And Superlad begins to choke.
Mxyzptlk then explains how Superlad has to throw the game or else Mxyzptlk will, I dunno, say his name backwards or something. Wasn't really paying attention.
Still, he goes on about his plan and what Superlad has to do for some time, then says "Breathe".
And Superlad breathes.
"Makes one kind of wish that he'd uttered the word 'Act'"
Quite a neat trick, these one word commands. Makes one kind of wish that he'd uttered the word "Act" before he left the barn. But, alas, no.
Another scene.
Mxyzptlk and Sinead have a bet. If Superlad loses the football game, Sinead has to give Mxyzptlk immigration papers, a million dollars, a sparkling new wife and a platinum tractor.
If Superlad wins the game, Mxyzptlk promises to tell Sinead a secret.
Doesn't seem all that fair to me, but Sinead takes it anyway. After all, who among us really thinks that Superlad's going to throw the game? Exactly.
One more scene before we call it a File.
TIAC and Superlad have (against all odds) pursued their locust theory and so TIAC has borrowed some jamming technology from the US Military and proceeded to block Mxyzptlk's powers.
Hooray! Therefore, Superlad is leading his team to victory.
But then Mxyzptlk goes downstairs and bitch-slaps TIAC a little before tying her up in the football stadium dungeon. He goes back up to Superlad who has one last play to win the match.
"If you don't lose the game," says Mxyzptlk. "I'll kill TIAC."
And, of course, any half-intelligent individual would have just smacked Mxyzptlk around the head then and there, won the game, then gone and found TIAC at their leisure.
But we are talking about Superlad, so instead he throws the match-winning pass, and while it is in mid-flight, runs so fast the eye cannot follow him, beats up Mxyzptlk, unties TIAC and runs back onto the football field in time to be tackled.
Monumentally stupid stuff.
So there we are, a perfectly silly episode of Smallville. There are a few other scenes I could have mentioned: Superlad practising football while holding kryptonite to see if coughing up blood would inhibit his passing game much; Bo and Superlad's man-to-man chat prior to the game where Bo told Superlad how much he reminded him of him, which got Superlad plenty confused, let me tell you; Lana gibbering on to Superlad about WM2 being fired; Sinead bailing out Mxyzptlk and taking him up to the 33 and a third floor to meet somebody (we didn't get to see who, but I'm hoping it was, oh, let's say, the Joker) or perhaps even the final scene where Superlad and Sinead squabble in the mansion about why it was that Sinead dobbed in WM2 to the cops or school board or whatever it was he did (I can only assume he did it to boost the ratings, but Sinead wisely doesn't say). But, really, it was all just superfluous and silly padding around a silly and superfluous episode.
Next week, however, it appears that Lois and her singlets return (no, I'm not calling them 'tank tops' - to me, they will always be singlets, deal with it Americanos) and she, Lana and TIAC are turned into a trio of witches. Charmed, I'm sure.
Begone,
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