THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.7 / 10 
6: Porthos Pulls A Switcheroo
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
No preamble. There isn't time, we're straight into it with Superlad playing football against the cows. He scores the winning touchdown thanks to the cattle's lacklustre D, but then there's a buzzing sound in his head and he has to run off to prison.
Which is where we find Sinead and Porthos having one of their patented jaw sessions.
"Even though I've done a lot of evil things in my life, like the inhuman demon that I am," says Porthos. "I'd still like to say that 'I love you' and shake your hand."
Notice how carefully Porthos phrases that. He doesn't actually say 'I love you'. He just wants to say it. He does however, go for the handshake but doesn't get there because Superlad bursts in, tackles Sinead out of the way and grabs Porthos instead. SFX takes place with the aid of a magical stone Porthos just happened to have in his hand and suddenly Superlad and Porthos switch bodies.
Freaky!
Well, this is bound to lead to all kinds of mischief, isn't it? So let's see what Porthos can do in the remaining thirty-nine minutes of this episode, shall we?
First things first. He gets Sinead to drive him back to the farm and, along the way, gives him a hard time.
"Boy, you're sure mean to your father," says Porthos/Superlad. "Do you ever regret sending your father to a stinking hell-hole of a prison, after all I... I mean, he... did for you?"
"Not at all," says Sinead. "He did, after all, murder his parents and hog all the scotch."
"Yes, well, forgive and forget I say," says Porthos/Superlad. "It's bad karma to hold a grudge, baldie."
And then he gets out and heads over to Bo who (surprise, surprise!) wants him to do some chores. "Why don't you lift this tractor over your head for my amusement?" says Bo.
"Huh?" says Porthos/Superlad.
"Lift it. Over your head. Using the superstrength given to you by the lower gravity of the Earth."
"My what now?" says Porthos/Superlad.
"Enough horseplay son, just lift the tractor."
So he does.
"Hmmm..." says Porthos/Superlad, villainously. "This all makes an eerie kind of sense now."
Well, I'm glad somebody thinks so.
Back to the prison and Superlad/Porthos has met Porthos's cell mate, the token prison geek.
"Hey, you must be Sinead," says Prison Geek.
"No, I'm Superlad."
"The point is: you're not Porthos," says Prison Geek. "The magic stone worked precisely as I predicted it would."
"Prison Geek has proved mathematically that they make an excellent plot device ..."
Because Prison Geek has studied all manner of textbooks (apparently there are textbooks on Kryptonian artifacts and symbols - I can only assume this is an upcoming course at Metropolis U) and unravelled the mysteries of the three Kryptonian magic stones and has proved mathematically that they make an excellent plot device for all kinds of random storylines.
"I see," says Superlad/Porthos, lying in his usual fashion, because maths isn't his strong suit - running around like a nutjob and smashing things to pieces - that's more the Superlad way. When it comes to following Prison Geek's Theory of Three Stone-Smallville Plot Devices, he got lost halfway through the Jor-El As A Deus Ex Machina Lemma.
Back at the barn, Porthos has taken his shirt off and tricked Boring Old Ma into giving him a hug.
"What is that?" says Boring Old Ma.
"Just a... um... lump of metal." He coughs and moves to one side. "That's not the point. Hey, let's hug some more."
Ew... go Porthos/Superlad, you Oedipal creepazoid you.
Back in the prison and Superlad/Porthos is being confronted by some prison hoodlums who want to make him their bitch. They threaten to kill him tomorrow if he doesn't... I dunno, if he doesn't come up with some alternative form of suspense element.
By now, Porthos/Superlad has quit the football team, discovered that Sinead has locked him out of the Luthorcorp intranet and has rapidly moved into TIAC seduction mode.
"What do you suppose Porthos would do to you if he got out of prison?" he asks, leering.
"Dunno," says TIAC. "But he won't be eligible for parole until he's 112."
"You'd still probably find him irresistibly sexy though, right?" says Porthos/Superlad.
"Say what now?" says TIAC.
"Or do you prefer this muscular young bod?" says Porthos/Superlad, rippling his pecs seductively. He moves in and taunts her with a kiss that he pulls away from at the last second.
Heh. Teasing TIAC and breaking her heart. It's like they never switched bodies.
Then he heads back to prison for a chat with Superlad/Porthos. Porthos/Superlad sees Superlad/Porthos holding the Magic Stone of Personality Transference and tells him to keep his distance.
"Why are you here?" says Superlad/Porthos.
"Just come to gloat really..." says Porthos/Superlad. "It is, after all, one of the things that I do very, very well."
Back to the barn where Lana shows up for a chat. Porthos/Superlad saw her and WM2 making out earlier, so Lana goes yak, yak, yak about how much she loves WM2, the usual nonsense from her, and Porthos/Superlad tells her he understands. She's young, vibrant, full of quivering loins. He moves in for a pash and gets slapped down, but (importantly) takes it like a man.
"Superlad relives a thrilling childhood anecdote about the time he used his superstrength to beat up Santa ..."
Back to the prison cell and Superlad/Porthos has invited Boring Old Ma in to tell her what the hell is going on. Boring Old Ma doesn't believe until Superlad relives a thrilling childhood anecdote about the time he used his superstrength to beat up Santa and steal a sackful of presents... or some damn thing.
Meanwhile, Porthos/Superlad has decided that if he can't get into Lana's pantaloons, a better place to wield mischief might be back in the Luthor Mansion. So he goes to visit Sinead.
"Sinead," says Porthos/Superlad.
"Hey Superlad, what's up?" says Sinead.
"Just looking for the $57 million you took from my bank account," says Porthos/Superlad, pouring himself a scotch and giving up completely on the ruse.
Sinead pulls a gun on him. Because this is how Sinead tends to solve problems more and more often these days.
Porthos/Superlad is too fast for him however. He dashes in and starts to crush his windpipe. Suddenly Boring Old Ma shows up with Kryptonite and Porthos/Superlad goes down.
Boring Old Ma betrays her inexperience in the field of kryptonite-wielding by then running to Sinead's rescue and allowing Porthos/Superlad to run off. Tsk, tsk. What would Bo say?
Porthos/Superlad is itching to find out apparently because he heads straight back to the farm where he picks a fight with Bo. Bo tries to give Porthos/Superlad a whupping, but Porthos/Superlad won't take that kind of discipline from a short-tempered, fiscally incompetent farmer. He picks up Bo and hurls him against the wall. "Live within your means!" he yells, enraged at Bo's indebted lifestyle.
Luckily, the phone rings at this point.
"Yello!" says Porthos/Superlad.
"It's me, Prison Geek," says Prison Geek. "There's some kind of mysterious problem with the Magic Stone of Personality Transference, so you'd better run back to prison and talk to me."
So Porthos/Superlad does so and Prison Geek tells Porthos/Superlad that he (Porthos/Superlad) will eventually revert back to his original body.
"There must be some way to make the transfer permanent..." says Porthos.
"Oh no," says Prison Geek. "I don't think so. Unless... But no, you couldn't..."
"What?" says Porthos/Superlad.
"If you kill Superlad/Porthos then you can't possibly revert back. But you'd never do that, right?"
And, of course, because we've been paying attention, we all know this is a trap. But Porthos/Superlad has been too busy trying to snog Lana and TIAC and throttle Sinead and the Kents to pay the requisite amount of attention. So he wanders straight back into one of those pesky prison riots (induced by something suspiciously akin to rock'n'roll music) where he tries to kill Superlad/Porthos. But Superlad/Porthos has The Magic Stone of Personality Transference up his sleeve (literally!) and so the Kryptonian god of SFX comes into play again and we're all switched back.
But what a madcap adventure we've had along the way. To be frank, I'm saddened that we've switched back so quickly. I would have happily continued to tune in to watch the ongoing adventures of an evil superpowered billionaire destroying the lives of everybody around him. Ah well, shall have to settle for The Apprentice instead, I suppose.
But as you might imagine, Lana and TIAC are still cranky with Superlad. Also, Porthos is apparently no longer dying, so that's a good thing for lovers of Luthorian evil and he may or may not remember Superlad's powers, depending on future plot requirements.
Sinead is glad that Superlad's back (but only after he's pulled his obligatory gun and asked Superlad to prove his true personality by answering a riddle ("Q: Why did the Luthor crash over the bridge?" "A: To get a kiss from a Kryptonian")) and also suggests that Porthos/Superlad's superhuman strength might have been due to a side-effect of the transference. "Um, yes," says Superlad. "Side-effect. Sure." And Superlad and Sinead team up to let Prison Geek out of prison, where he immediately hooks up with Dr Margot Kidder, apparently.
Oh yes, and Lana's apparently possessed by the ghost of an ancestral Romanian witch. Right? Right.
Next week: Let's assume that, oh, TIAC and Bo swap bodies.
Begone,
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