THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.6 / 10 
4: When Chemistry And Cheerleaders Mix
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
We open at football training. Superlad's warming the bench. (And when I say 'warming' I don't mean with heat vision, but rather with his butt, ie he's sitting on the bench. Really, people, that should have been obvious.) Whit Mark II comes up to explain.
"The Head Coach doesn't believe that there's a place in the team for somebody able to run at superspeed or who is invulnerable and superstrong... but you keep your chin up, y'hear?"
"Sure will, WM2," says Superlad and gazes skyward. WM2 sighs at Superlad's overliteralness and heads off.
One of the cheerleaders is trying to convince her idiot football playing boyfriend to go shoe and bra shopping with her. He would rather smash beer cans on his forehead and belch in public. But then the cheerleader gives Football Playing Boyfriend a drink of Kryptonade - a unique home brew combination of Kryptonite and Gatorade and suddenly he's an all-new Stepford Husband. He runs off to the showers singing Hopelessly Devoted To You. Superlad takes his place and throws a long, impressively parabolic pass.
So far, so good, one might think at this stage. Except that Football Playing Boyfriend, convinced that WM2 has the hots for Head Cheerleader Bimbo, comes in with a shotgun and tries to shoot WM2, like, to death. Superlad rocks up, tackles WM2 out of the road then burns the shotgun with his heat vision, causing FPB to drop it. Pay attention to that last bit because, against all odds, it's relevant.
Opening credits then ensue.
Cut to Lana tending to WM2's wounds, such as they are. Lana has the irrits. WM2 doesn't understand why.
"Imagine being your girlfriend," says Lana. "And finding out about this attack and not being able to scream or show concern because, really, why would Lana be getting so worked up about the new assistant coach?!?!?" she says.
"Wait a sec," says WM2. "Imagine being my own girlfriend?? That's just nutty, Lana." He shakes his head.
Back to school and Lois is still trying to escape from Smallville High. She is meeting with limited success and so Superlad decides that it would be far more entertaining if he and she engaged in some flirtatious banter.
"... Lois is not wearing one of her awesome singlets."
So they do. Lois is not impressed with Superlad's new football status. Superlad is not impressed with the fact that Lois is not wearing one of her awesome singlets.
They squabble joyously past a whole heap of footballers being slaves to their cheerleader girlfriends then in to visit TIAC where they continue to squabble and ignore TIAC's request to be reporters for her silly paper.
Squabble, squabble, squabble. Crackle, crackle, crackle.
Off to the locker rooms where Sinead has purchased new uniforms for the team. He makes a little speech:
"The coach tells me this is a 'rebuilding season'. Sounds like loser talk to me. Look at me, I'm bald as a football but you don't hear me talking about 'rebuilding seasons'. Shape up, Smallville football team or I'll crush you all single-handedly."
And he drifts off to frenzied applause.
Superlad is snarky. "You can't buy my friendship back with football uniforms, Sinead."
Well, which Kryptonian thinks the world revolves around him?
Cut to football training the next day. TIAC is bugging everybody and the cheerleaders have shown up with their Kryptonade. WM2 has a drink and so does TIAC. Oh no! I see madcap hijinks in everybody's future any minute now.
And so it turns out. TIAC heads back to visit Lois, all blissed out. "Lois," says TIAC. "I've finally worked out why Superlad and I never got together. It's because I've been far too obsessed with being resident script girl for the show. I'm going to quit all that and devote myself to making Superlad happy."
"Oh, so that's why Superlad and you never got together?" says Lois, dubious because she's met Lana.
Done with her TIAC-mocking, Lois heads off to taunt cheergirls. Which she does with her own unique brand of sassy pep, making fun of Head Cheerleader Bimbo's rhyming skills.
"I'd like to see you rhyme so well!" says HCB.
"I'd like to flee this time in hell," retorts Lois, then departs in triumph, but not before noting that Head Cheerleader Bimbo is studying Advanced Chemistry.
Kudos to Smallville, I say, for abandoning the traditional stereotype of the chemistry-ignorant cheerleader. A new era dawns.
Over to the barn where TIAC is waiting for Superlad, clad only in his football jumper. She offers all kinds of coming-on and sexual offerings and whatnot that has Superlad all 'thanks, but no thanks'-ey.
He speaks to Boring Old Ma the next day about TIAC's new-found sexual aggression.
"I think the best thing for you to do is be honest," says Boring Old Ma.
Superlad can barely stifle a yawn. Honesty? Prrffffrrrt. Why can't he just have his way with TIAC and then move on? As far as he can see, it's a win-win situation. Except for TIAC, who loses, obviously.
"... WM2 is ... overcome with jealousy and biliousness."
Off for more football training and Superlad makes the damn fool mistake of drinking some of the Kryptonade. He then makes the even more damn foolish mistake of talking to Lana. So now WM2 is glaring hatefully at Superlad, overcome with jealousy and biliousness.
And because the scene was insufficiently ridiculous to this point, TIAC shows up in a cheerleader's outfit to be Superlad's own personal provider of cheer. "Gimme a D," she begins. "Gimme an X. GImme an F. Gimme an O." And so on. TIAC, taking spelling cheers to dangerously illiterate new levels.
But WM2 is so furious with jealous rage at Superlad's talking to Lana that he tells the rest of the team to beat Superlad up. Ordinarily a stupid idea, of course, but with Superlad weakened by the Kryptonade, the team happily pounds the snot out of him. There was some kind of reasoning as to why the rest of the football team hated Superlad, but I honestly can't be bothered remembering it. Given the past history of the Smallville football team and their quaint tradition of crucifying random slobs, I don't think there's really any necessity for justifying their current anti-Superlad stance, do you?
Anyway, Superlad's still feeling weak later that night which is not good for him, because WM2 shows up, accuses Superlad of trying to steal his girlfriend and beats the snot out of him further. Luckily, Sinead shows up for one of his unscheduled barn visits and stops WM2 from doing any further damage.
"What are you doing here?" says Superlad, still being all horrid to Sinead. (But what with all the snot being beaten out of him, a green kryptonite dollop of it falls out of Superlad's nose and suddenly Superlad heals up, big time.)
"I'm here to give you all the secret files I kept on you," says Sinead, tossing them to Superlad.
Superlad flicks through. "Wow," he says. "My favourite TV show is America's Next Top Model? Who knew??" He pauses to ponder. "How can I trust you when you lied to me so long?" he asks. Ahem. Superlad? COUGH-Kryptonian-COUGH.
Anyway, Sinead makes a heartfelt speech about friendship and how when you're bald you rarely have friends and how Superlad should treasure his hair or their friendship or however it went. I dunno.
Superlad doesn't pay much attention either and instead hooks back up with Lois. She flicks through TIAC's script and explains how the chemistry genius cheer squad developed a love potion. Therefore, Superlad needs to go to a pool party and hook up with Head Cheerleader Bimbo.
So off they go. Superlad is as out of place as... I dunno, as a Kryptonian at a pool party, but with plenty of urging from Lois (who has returned to her singlet-wearing ways) he awkwardly pashes Head Cheerleader Bimbo.
Then they run off into the gym to have frenzied sex. Lois follows because... I've completely lost track now. Lois just follows, okay? There's comical antics as Superlad tries to say the correct things to Head Cheerleader Bimbo but he can only do so with Lois mouthing them to him from under the table. Hahaha!
Because, y'know, Superlad's a complete socially retarded dimwit.
Hahahaha!
Then Lois disappears for a bit to have a fight with TIAC. No, literally. A real fight with kicking and everything. This ends in tears when Lois unleashes her karate spinning kick and kicks TIAC into a furnace. Well, not into the furnace. But her hands touch the furnace and suddenly TIAC is cured!
Heat cures the effects of the Kryptonade!
Happily, they didn't even bother to try and concoct a pseudo-scientific explanation for this.
So Lois and TIAC go out and stop Superlad from shagging Head Cheerleader Bimbo.
"Oh thank God," says Superlad. Yes, phew! Lucky you two girls got here in time to prevent me being sexually sated. Once again, fortune smiles on the Kryptonian.
And that's pretty much it. Head Cheerleader Bimbo puts her top back on and summons some footballers to beat up Superlad and the girls, but Superlad makes a hot pipe explode, what with his heat vision and all, and so they're all cured and that's that.
Superlad, of course, goes on to win the football game. Bo looks on disapprovingly and Sinead shows Superlad that he's dismantled his shrine. Oh, and just to make certain we close on a bit of a laugh, Superlad breaks TIAC's heart again.
Hahaha! That'll teach you to love somebody, TIAC.
And then Lois leaves. Farewell, Lois. We shall miss you and your singlets.
A fine young episode. Kinda silly premise but, really, this is Smallville and if you're going to be thrown off by Kryptonade-wielding cheerleaders at this late stage then shame on you, I say.
Next week: I'd like to say Christopher Reeve was going to make another guest appearance but, alas, that's no longer an option. Adios to the man who set the standard on Kryptonian tomfoolery.
Begone,
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