THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.4 / 10 
3: The Episode That Escaped From Season One
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
So we open back in Season One. The Original Whit is inviting Superlad to hurl a football at Lana, who is poised to be dunked into a tub of water, where she will presumably drown to death. Oh, Smallville, how we love your quaint small-town traditions.
Anyway, along with the drowning of the cheerleader and the crucifixion of the Kryptonian Christ-proxy, we also have another tradition - the humiliation of the dermatologically challenged.
So some poor girl - Scabby Abby - is humiliated by the school football team and so therefore goes home to her mother who performs an elaborate plastic surgery procedure on her, involving tubing, a full body cast and, oh yes, Kryptonite.
And you know that's going to work out okay. Right, kids?
Meanwhile, back at the barn in Season Four, Superlad's playing with himself. This is not as saucy as it sounds, because a football is involved. In fact, Superlad is dreaming of being a football star, so perhaps we're still back in the third episode of Season One, after all.
Anyway, Lois shows up and engages in flirtatious banter in her usual way. Then her father, General Park Lane, shows up. Thankfully for all concerned, he eschews all notions of flirtatious banter and simply says to Lana: "Go directly to Smallville High. Do not pass GO. Do not collect a plausible plot point."
General Lane's orders mean that Lois is now joining the rest of the gang at Smallville High. Also present is Scabby Abby - who is now a complete babe. Lois doesn't approve of this, but TIAC is all pro. "It's her body. Why shouldn't she turn herself into a magical robo-babe?"
Superlad wanders up. "I like it!" he says.
"No shit," says Lois, then accuses High School of being a facade, with everybody pretending to be something other than what they are. "Why can't people just accept reality, instead of trying to live up to false ideals??" she says, applying lipstick and mascara.
"I don't know," says TIAC and then concludes that Lois should become a reporter. Because, um, that's just common sense (?) Don't look at me. I just chronicle these things, I don't write 'em.
Speaking of lies and facades, Lana is off to visit Whit Mark II. Guess where Whit Mark II now works? That's right, Smallville High. He's now the assistant football coach. Because he used to be a champion footballer. Also, because the producers only have a very limited number of sets.
Lana tediously sucks face with Whit Mark II until they are interrupted by Superlad, who has come to try out for the football team.
"Hey, Coach WM2!" says Superlad. "I want to try out for the football team."
"You certainly look big and strong," says WM2, rubbing a non-existent beard in thought.
"Darn tootin'," says Superlad. He then notices Lana. He would have noticed her earlier, but apparently his enhanced supersenses were insufficient to spot a second person in a room. "Oh hi Lana," he says. "What are you doing here?"
This almost causes panic. "Um, head lice check!" says Lana, eventually.
"Really?" says Superlad. "Yours or his?"
"Hahahaha hahahaha!" says Lana, and leaves.
"Which one of you has lice?"
"No," says Superlad, turning back to WM2. "Seriously. Which one of you has lice?"
WM2 shoos him off.
But he can't shoo him forever, because there's football training to get through. Before this, of course, there's permission slips to gather.
"Superlad," says WM2. "Where's your permission slip?"
"Oh," says Superlad, and fishes inside his pocket. He hands it over to WM2. "Dear WM2," it says. "Superlad is aloud (sic) to play football. Me and my wife think it sounds awesome. Yours sincerely, Bo (my Pa)."
This is enough to fool WM2.
Meanwhile, The Meanest Football Player In School has seen the restructured Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby and likes what he sees.
"Hey, babe," he says. "You look majorly sick. I'm slammin' to your groove."
This sweet talk is enough for Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby and she takes The Meanest Football Player In School into the showers where they start removing clothes in a lewd kind of way.
Boy, Lana showering in Episode 1, the twin showers of Porthos and Superlad in Episode 2, now the shared shower of these two crazy kids in Episode 3. Showers are this season's version of the Smallville car crash. I'm all for that - after all, while the car crashes were funny and violent, they lacked a certain, let us say, nudity (I am ignoring for the sake of the argument Sinead's infamous Birthday Suit Car Crash, obviously).
Anyways, Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby eventually kisses The Meanest Football Player In School. Against all kinds of odds, this turns out to be bad news for The Meanest Football Player In School. He sees himself in the mirror and believes that his face is turning into mush (see Hawn, Goldie).
He runs outside. Lois sees him and decides to run him down in her car. The Lazy Smallville Cops are okay with this and take The Meanest Football Player In School away for questioning.
Lois then comes to the conclusion that the only way to solve this mystery is to wander into the boys' showers. Which she does, much to Superlad's disgust. "Last time I checked you were missing a few prerequisites for being in here," he says.
"Aha!!" says Lois, completely missing Superlad's point. "So you have been checking me out."
"I had been working on the assumption that you had no penis ..."
"Well," says Superlad. "I had been working on the assumption that you had no penis, yes."
Smallville, home of banter.
Meanwhile, Sinead deigns to make an appearance for the episode, wandering into The Death Claw, opening Lana's mail (a box of books), making sly remarks about this ("what on Earth would you want with books?") and then wandering off for a latte somewhere off camera.
Meanwhile, in order to move the plot along, Lana goes to visit Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby's mother. She discusses removing her Kryptonian tattoo from her spine. Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby's mother somehow lets it slip that she was insane and that Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby was a product of her wild plastic surgery experimentation. Can't remember exactly how she let this slip (I was repidly losing interest by this point), but let it slip she did.
Besides, it doesn't matter, because it's just an excuse for a bit of girl-on-girl action. With reasoning that only a teenage boy could follow, Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby's mother convinces Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby that she has to kiss Lana on the lips and drive her insane with lust or whatever the hell it was that happened to The Meanest Football Player In School.
Luckily, WM2 has taken Lana into a costume room in the back of Smallville High and blindfolded her. Oh, and then wandered off. Why? Again, can't really help you on that score. But it does permit Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby to come in and kiss the blindfolded Lana. This is done in super slo-mo.
So close-minded and full of hate and bigotry is Lana that this brief flirtation with lesbianism drives her insane and she runs head-first into a mirror, knocking herself out.
So off to the Smallville Hospital we go. WM2 is there, being a twit (as you'd expect). "Oh Lana," he says. "If only I hadn't blindfolded you and then left you alone where any passing Kryptonite- fuelled lesbian with kiss-based mind-altering superpowers could come in and suck your empty little mind out, then this never would have happened."
He pauses. "Also, do you think she'd be interested in a threesome?"
Sinead has apparently finished his coffee, so has wandered back on screen. "Hello," he says. "I'm Sinead, the star of the show."
"Oh," says WM2. "I'm WM2, a new version of Whit." He looks around suspiciously. "Um, I'm Lana's football... um, coach?"
"Of course you are," says Sinead, seeing straight through WM2's web of lies, in his usual bald fashion. "Lana deserves the very best." He pauses. "You'd better be it."
They both laugh uncontrollably.
Around about this point, TIAC meets up with Superlad. TIAC has the script so explains to Superlad all about Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby and her mother. Superlad dashes off to beat the snot out of one of them, which is just as well, because Lois, feigning the need for plastic surgery has gotten herself into a pickle-like substance. (She was recording Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby's mother's explanation of her crazy-assed plastic surgery, but then she was caught doing so. Lois didn't care. "I don't care," she says to further assist my claim. "I'm going to expose you." "Wow," says Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby's mother. "Free advertising" but then changes her mind and pokes a syringe into Lois's neck.) So Lois is about to have the crazy-assed plastic surgery but Superlad shows up and makes a nuisance of himself, smashing the place to bits. There's a bit of Kryptonite gas, so Lois is forced to kick Previously Scabby, Now Non-Flabby, Far From Shabby Abby's mother in the face until she goes down, but that's more or less it.
We end on a couple of meaningless points. Bo decides that it will be okay for Superlad to play football, because, y'know, he'll be really good at it and sucked in to the opposition team. Lana confronts WM2 about whether or not he loves Lana just because she's beautiful or whether or not it's because of some inner quality. "Oh, Lana," says WM2. "What do you think?" And finally Lois, looking oh-so-cute in her singlet, dunks Superlad into some water, and then ruffles his hair playfully and TIAC goes "Hmmm... maybe these two are hot for each other." Oh, TIAC, your newshounding skills are second to none.
And that's it. I think what happened here is that the opening scene flashed back to the first season but then we never flashed forward again. It was just one of the infamous Season One Monster of the Week shows and, really writers, we've progressed beyond this haven't we? Where were the Luthor machinations we've come to expect and love? Where's the Kryptonian destiny thing? Heck, where's the bloody cave? All a shambles. Personally, I blame rap music for this regrettable lapse.
Next week: I'm hoping that we're back to Season Four, myself.
Begone,
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