THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.2 / 10 
21: Freeze Frame!
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
This particular episode contains two separate plotline strands, cunningly interwoven in the manner we've come to expect from the Smallville writers as well as professional weavers.
We have one storyline that follows Superlad, TIAC, Lana and Lois as they deal with a crazed school photographer with petrification powers who is (startlingly) up to no good. The other storyline? More of Sinead, Porthos, WM2 and Dr Quinn's ongoing squabble over those damn magical stones.
But here's the surprising thing: the magical stones plotline is the more entertaining and, y'know, unridiculous of the two. Imagine the odds!
But I'm way ahead of myself here, or, depending on one's perspective, way behind myself. Either way, let's get both of my selves to the same point and into chronicling what's going on.
Storyline Superlad
This one commences with TIAC finishing up work on her stupid paper late at night. But wait a second, just as she's about to leave she discovers that she's not in school at all, she's in some bizarre warehouse that's a perfect replica of the school right down to the puerile graffiti ('Superlad's a virgin!') and urine specks on the toilet walls.
She runs around like a fool for a while trying to work out what's going on, but without much success because the one thing the villain behind this insane charade has failed to replicate is her script. Instead she bumps into a couple of other girls.
"Hurry up, TIAC," say the other girls. "Or you'll be late for Spanish class."
"Are you hombres loco?"
"Are you hombres loco?" says TIAC. "This isn't the school. It's instead a perfect, enclosed replica of the school."
"Shhhh..." say the other girls. "You've got to play along. He's watching." And they point to cameras in the roof.
"Oh, is this Big Brother?" says TIAC.
Back out in the real world Superlad's signed up to go to Kansas Worker Bee College instead of Metropolis U, as he'd promised. Bo is, as you'd expect, bloody furious about this.
"You're just going to KWBC so you can stay here and help out with the chores, aren't you lad??"
"I've made my decision," says Superlad.
"Do you think I need your help to run this farm?" says Bo, full of pride and whiskey.
"I thought that had been reasonably well established by now," points out Superlad.
"Well, I don't," says Bo. "I could run this farm all by myself. So don't you dare sacrifice your education in a shameful bid to help me out."
And he starts chopping some wood to prove his point, before throwing his back out on the third chop.
So this is kind of an ongoing issue between Bo and Superlad and Boring Old Ma, and hell, perhaps even the SS Jor-El for all I care. And I suppose that it's touching and sweet of Superlad to sacrifice his education to stay around the farm and help Bo with the chores. But yet, in another way, it's also feeble-minded and idiotic, given that if he goes to Metropolis University, he could probably dash up every night in five minutes flat, knock his chores over and dash back all before the end of Conan.
Regardless, Lana's not going to college either. Some gibberish about that's why she went to Paris in the first place. As punishment for her stupidity, she is kidnapped by the Petrifying Photographer and thrown in the fake school along with TIAC and the rest of them.
I should also mention that Petrifying Photographer's plan, such as it is, is to keep everybody locked up in this fake replica school for, like, the rest of their days so that he doesn't have to face the real world. Because the only college he could get into was Kansas Worker Bee College. Or some damn thing.
And also, if you go against his will, he touches you and then you're covered in vaseline and become petrified.
Sigh. Yes, I know.
Anyway, this thread of the show gets even sillier when Petrifying Photographer is pseudo-seduced by TIAC and then conked on the head by Lana. And then PP petrifies one of the other girls and knocks her head off with a cricket bat. But then Superlad and Lois show up and there's a kind of petrifying fight where PP tries to shatter Lana but then instead tries to petrify Superlad but then instead gets his petrifying powers turned in on himself and then falls off a staircase and shatters.
Which, in turn, depetrifies everybody else for no good reason.
And Superlad, TIAC and Lana learn a valuable lesson about moving on from school or some damn thing.
As I said, a stupid, stupid half-episode of Smallville. Let's see how the other strand went, shall we?
Storyline Sinead
It begins promisingly enough with WM2 wandering into the Luthor Mansion, still one of the most secure homesteads in Kansas, especially after the Dr Quinn death threats from last episode. WM2 shoots Sinead in the neck with a tranquilising dart.
Sinead wakes up tied up in a chair. Across the hall is Porthos also tied up in a chair.
"Oh, hello," says Sinead.
"Son," greets Porthos.
WM2 and Dr Quinn come in to the room and start wielding red-hot pieces of metal. Dr Quinn explains to Porthos that if he doesn't tell her where the stones are, WM2 will start burning Sinead up big-time.
"He hates it when people threaten his life in order to get Porthos to do something."
"Oh, this is brilliant," says Sinead. He hates it when people threaten his life in order to get Porthos to do something. 'Cause it just doesn't work. Why oh why oh why don't the foes of Porthos take time out to do some basic research on what motivates the man before they start burning up his precious bald flesh?
Anyway, Porthos won't tell, as you'd expect. WM2 gets a little bit too much enjoyment out of jabbing the red-hot poker into Sinead's chest.
Porthos remains silent, however. Then WM2 and Dr Quinn threaten to burn out Sinead's eyes. Well, this is too much, even for Porthos, because, y'know, what if they finish with Sinead and then start on his eyes?? He's already been blind once and it's no fun, except for having that kick-ass cane.
So he tells them that Lana's got the stones. Because she's The Chosen One. I dunno. Anyway, Dr Quinn tells WM2 to stay behind and keep an eye on the Luthors while she runs off to get the stones from Lana.
It goes without saying that WM2 fails in even this most basic of tasks. Even as the door closes behind Dr Quinn, Porthos starts influencing WM2 with his poison tongue (not literally poison), eventually convincing him that the wisest thing he could possibly do would be to go outside and chop some firewood.
While he's out there, Porthos kicks the poker over to Sinead who falls down on top of it and burns his rope and his hands. He then frees Porthos and they run through the woods. WM2 sees them, abandons his firewood chores and gives chase, shooting like a crazy person.
Eventually he corners Porthos and is about to shoot him dead. But Sinead knocks WM2 down, and then chases him right to the edge of a cliff.
"Sinead," says WM2. "Don't you understand anything? It's not Lana who is the big deal about this town. I mean, sure, she's possessed by the spirit of a witch, but for Smallville that's reasonably small potatoes. No, the person you should be keeping a closer eye on is Superlad, for he is really--"
And then, of course, Porthos shoots WM2 dead and over the cliff before he can say any more.
"Now, why'd you do that?" says Sinead. "He was just about to tell me Superlad's secret!"
"Oh," says Porthos, feigning innocence in the most implausible possible fashion. "Was he?"
Coises, thinks Sinead. And then vows to keep a closer eye on Superlad regardless. Especially those cheekbones.
And that's that. A completely nutty episode. Even by Smallville standard, this one made zero amount of sense. Ten out of ten.
Next week: The season finale! Based on previous trends, I'm willing to bet that the SS Jor-El pokes his nose into stuff again. Also, something to do with those bloody stones no doubt.
Begone,
blog comments powered by Disqus
This here item has so far scored 7.2 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
If it should be higher, click the green arrow:
And if you think it should be lower, try the red one:
To receive this kind of stuff via a convenient regular email, visit the subscription page
Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
