THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.4 / 10 
2: Where's TIAC?
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
So we pick up from where we left off last week. This is correct from a chronological perspective and so a move I therefore heartily applaud. It would be madness to try and tell a story in any other way. Yes, I'm looking at you, Memento.
So Lois is bugging Superlad about how he knows that TIAC is still alive, and that her coffin is empty.
"Oh, trust me," says Superlad. "I know." And he points two fingers to his eyes, then to the ground, then waves his hands in a vague, see-throughey kind of way. He turns back to Lois and grins like an idiot.
Before Lois can say anything more, an attack helicopter emerges and a trio of commandos drop from it (obviously). Lois runs off and one commando follows her. Superlad beats up the other two, then uses a quick blast of hest vision to make the helicopter land, then beats up the helicopter pilot, then runs off to help Lois who has already beaten up the other commando.
Then the pair of them run back to the barn where Superlad takes a shower. Because as we all know, Kryptonian body odour is nasty!
Of course, while he's taking the shower, Lois wanders in to, I dunno, do her hair or brush her teeth or force upon us a cute rom-com scene or something. Superlad looks out from behind the shower curtain, startled. He'd been having his own private American Beauty moment and was looking for just a few more seconds of 'me time'.
"Oh, it's nothing to get worked up about, Superlad," says Lois. "I spent most of last week's episode admiring Superlad Jr, remember?"
Superlad blushes. Or is possibly affected by Red Kryptonite again.
Nope, it's blushing. And he blushes some more when Boring Old Ma opens the door and sees the two of them in there. He tries to offer a reasonable explanation for why he has a woman in the bathroom with him while he's showering but fails to come up with a good one. Kinda surprising, really - I would have thought that "Ma, I'm a super-powered sex god just about overflowing with super-hormones" would have done it, but apparently not.
Anyway, Boring Old Ma goes to Bo and tells on Superlad and Lois. Bo calls them in front of him for a dressing-down.
"Now, kids," he says. "Can either of you offer an explanation for this outlandish behaviour??"
Superlad and Lois look sheepishly at one another, and fail again to offer the "raging hormones" excuse or the "uncontrollable sexual chemistry" one either.
"I thought it was the den," says Lois, eventually.
"Den??" says Bo. "What's a den?"
"It's where you go to read and have some private time..."
"Read?" says Bo.
Off to prison, where Sinead is visiting Porthos and mocking him for his felonic status. Porthos is not intimidated by Sinead's taunting.
"'You'll never escape my wrath,' says Porthos."
"You'll never escape my wrath," says Porthos. "Every turn you take. Every friend you make. I'll be there."
"Oooh," says Sinead, in mock horror. He wiggles his fingers in front of his face.
But Porthos isn't finished. "Every move you make. Every bond you break. Every smile you fake. Every claim you stake. I'll be watching you."
"Wow," says Sinead. "The Police really did a number on you, didn't they?" He smirks, and leaves, once again triumphant in the Luthor Verbal Gambit stakes.
By now, of course, Lois has decided Superlad's vague ramblings make perfectly rational sense and has wandered off to dig up TIAC's grave. Which she does. Nobody stops her from doing this. Grave-robbing is, after all, the third-favourite past-time of Smallville denizens. After square-dancing and the other one.
But, of course, when I say 'nobody' stops Lois from robbing the grave, I am telling an enormous lie. Because just after she opens the (obviously) empty coffin, a T-2000 Terminator arrives from the future and attacks her.
No, seriously.
Luckily Lana has arrived back from Paris, and she kicks the Terminator in the head, knocking it out.
Lana kicking Terminators in the head. Lois kicking commandos unconscious. Where does one have to go to find a decent damsel in distress these days?
Lana and Lois introduce themselves to one another. "Hi, I'm Lana." "Hi, I'm Lois. I'm hotter than you." "I can see that." Glower.
And then they turn around and the Terminator is gone. Perhaps it was all a dream. Yes, let's assume that. So, Lana and Lois head back to the Kent farm to see if they can initiate a new triangle. Lana's a bit worried about this - she saw off TIAC without breaking a sweat but this Lois chick?? Ouch. Competition.
"Lana," says Superlad. "You're back!"
"Oh that," says Lana, turning around to look at the base of her spine. "That's just a mysterious Kryptonian tattoo that appeared on my back after a magic ray zapped me."
"No, you're back. With an apostrophe. You are back," clarifies Superlad.
And ignores the Kryptonian revelations. Because, really, why would Superlad be interested in that?
"So, anyway," says Superlad. "Lois is really hot so I'm going to be spending time with her now."
"Okay," says Lana. "I've got a new boyfriend too. So there."
"Is he anything like Whit?" asks Superlad.
"Ummmmmmmmmm..." says Lana. "No." And she scurries off, shamefaced.
"... the commandos are being ordered around by General Park Lane, Lois's father."
So Superlad and Lois head up to the barn where they are attacked by more helicopters and commandos. It's not as bad as it seems, however, (but then, is it ever?) because the commandos are being ordered around by General Park Lane, Lois's father.
Wow, talk about your intimidating father-in-laws!
Naturally enough, Boring Old Ma invites General Lane to dinner. Bo has great respect for all Generals (as we well know) and he tells General Lane that he can have 'the good chair' and that he'll kill his 'best goat' for roasting. "Ma," he also says. "Break out the boysenberry sauce!"
General Lane appreciates the hospitality of Bo, but has to get going. "I just dropped in to put the fear of God into my daughter and your freakazoid son," says General Lane. "But Private Strand and Private Fleet Street and I must be heading back to proper army work now." And off they go in a giant silver shoe.
Bo is disappointed. "What the hell," he eventually says. "Let's kill that damn goat anyway."
So what happens then?
Sinead sets up a computer simulation of the attack on the plane from last episode. His head computer nerd tells him that something (or somebody!!) ripped the door off the hinges at 30000 feet. "Really?" says Sinead and glares suspiciously at his computer screen. Sinead, Sinead, Sinead. This is how you got into so much trouble before. Superlad drops in. "You talking to me now?" says Sinead. "Nope," says Superlad and shoots him a withering (non-heat-vision based) glare. "But do you know where TIAC is - I've looked everywhere." "Superlad," says Sinead. "TIAC's dead. The explosion blew her to bits. That's why there's nothing in the coffin. Am I the only one who thinks around here?" Yes, Sinead. Yes, you are.
Porthos takes a shower. It goes without saying that he is stabbed while this happens. That's what happens when you steal another inmate's Garfield pen collection. But a simple stabbing in the gut isn't enough to slow down Porthos and he sends the Terminator (who isn't a dream, but rather a weapon Porthos found on one of his regular jaunts to the future, I guess) off to kill TIAC. Um, again.
Lois has broken into General Lane's office and found his files on TIAC and where she really is, what with her alivedness and all. (Did I mention at any point that TIAC is Lois's cousin? No, I didn't think so. Monstrously lax of me. Apologies.) Superlad and Lois bond over TIAC's dead mother. "What was your mother like?" asks Superlad. "She's in my ears and in my eyes," says Lois. "How very uncomfortable," says Superlad. Then there's a pause. "Oh, yes," says Superlad. "The TIAC rescue." He sighs and runs off.
The Terminator has however already beaten him to TIAC's hiding spot and taken her away. Superlad and Sinead bump into one another at the hiding spot and have another stilted conversation. Come on guys, just make up already. I can't bear to see you two carry on this way. They glower at one another for a bit until Sinead says "oh yeah, TIAC's now trapped in a foundry." "Sheesh," says Superlad. "For a dead chick she's awfully mobile."
Superlad runs off to the foundry, wondering why in blue blazes a Terminator would take TIAC to a foundry. Hasn't he seen the movies?? Doesn't he know that despite their superhuman strength and ability to turn into puddles, Terminators invariably die at foundries?? Well, this one's no different. Superlad shows up, fights him. Lois shows up, zaps him with a cattle prod. Superlad burns him with his eyes. Kaboom. No more Terminator. Poor Ol' Porthos. It's so difficult to get quality killing machines these days.
TIAC testifies against Porthos and he is convicted of murder and public mischief and sentenced to life imprisonment. Sinead shows up to snicker at him some more. Boy, Sinead, way to gloat, dude.
Finally Bo and Boring Old Ma try to convince Superlad to forgive Sinead. "I thought you hated him," says Superlad. "Nah, we just like playing Devil's Advocate," says Bo. "What's Devil's Advocate?" says Superlad. "Is that, like, a computer game?? Do we have Nintendo?" And off he dashes.
And Lana shows up. "Funny, isn't it," she says, "How we both got over one another so quickly." "Can't talk," says Superlad. "Bo's hidden an X-Box around here somewhere." "I mean, you're clearly hot for Lois," tries Lana again. "Lois??" says Superlad, stopping his frenzied search and proceeding to inexplicably fib. "I don't like Lois... she's bossy and stuck up and rude and she smells and she rides a girl's bike and she's curvey and cute and the kind of girl who'd be a tigress in the sack and..." Lana regrets starting this conversation and heads back to The Death Claw where she makes out with Whit Mk II.
And that's it. Kind of a stupid episode, really. It has been suggested by wiser persons than me that this episode would have scaled fearsome new heights had the showers of Superlad and Porthos been somehow combined. Also, Superlad might have stopped Porthos' stabbing. But then again, he may well not have. Still, it wouldn't have hurt to have tried, right?
Next week: Let's just hope that Superlad and Sinead kiss and make up, huh?
Begone,
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