THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.2 / 10 
19: A Teen With Superpowers? Forgeddaboutit!
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Now, where was I, before I was so thoughtlessly interrupted? It's so hard to recall. It's almost as if, well, as if some kid with amnesia-inducing superpowers had tried to rob The Death Claw and then, when I'd intervened to put an end to it, he'd used those self-same powers on me, reducing me to a non-memoried fool.
Which, for the segue-naive of you, is precisely what happens to Superlad in the pre-credit sequence of this particular episode.
I should also mention that Lois is working in the Death Claw. I should mention this only because she is doing so in a union-required singlet and, hence, is looking extremely buxom and cute.
Just like your average teamster.
So, anyway, after being zapped by Captain Amnesia, Superlad doesn't know who he is or what's going on in the world today. Rather than have him run for political office, TIAC instead opts to take him back to the farm.
Due to specific clauses in their contract, Bo and Ma have the episode off, so the front door is locked. They're hicks, but they're not foolhardy. Superlad, not realising this, pulls it from the hinges.
TIAC takes this in her now-resilient stride and the pair of them wander inside. Lois comes down and asks what happened to the door.
"I tried to open it, but it was locked and so I pulled it off the hinges," says Superlad. Because not only has he lost his memory, he's also lost his tendency to lie at the drop of a cape.
"Actually, the wind blew it off the hinges," says TIAC. And then laughs manically. This whole covering of the superpowers thing is harder than she thought.
Fortunately, Lois is too cute to pay attention and so instead promises to look after Superlad in his amnesiac state.
"I'm getting used to this," she says. "Remember the first episode of this season?"
"Have you been paying any attention to this episode at all??"
"Um, no," says Superlad. "Have you been paying any attention to this episode at all??"
Lois beams stupidly, dimples ablaze.
"Please, for the love of all that is non-incestuous, tell me I'm not related to her," says Superlad.
TIAC sighs. "You're not."
"Awesome."
The pair of them head out the back where TIAC grabs one of Bo's spare steel bars and asks Superlad to bend it in his bare hands.
"I can't do that," says Superlad.
"It's practically part of your job description," says TIAC. "And there ain't no mighty rivers for you to change the course of, so just bend the damn steel already."
He does so. Then they chat about superpowers and meteor showers and why it's important to lie about everything.
Then they head back to The Death Claw to find clues, where Superlad reveals he can see through things.
"You can do what now?" says TIAC, trying to cover her rude bits.
But Superlad focuses his X-Ray peepers elsewhere, which both pleases and irritates TIAC in equal proportions. He finds the business card of Captain Amnesia which, really, is all that you can reasonably expect from a random crime scene.
Further discussions are interrupted when Lana walks by and Superlad's ol' sexually induced heat vision burst forth.
"My God!!" says Superlad. "Who is that??"
TIAC sighs. "That's Lana Lang," she says. She sighs some more. "The love of your life."
But Superlad can barely hear, so dumbstruck is he by Lana's blackhead-free skin.
It also turns out that Lana's trying to break up with WM2. This doesn't work that well, given, y'know, WM2's tendency to burst into insane fits of rage at such a suggestion. Clearly, this burst of fury is the most interesting thing WM2 has ever done.
Anyways, Superlad's off to school the next day and spots Lana.
"Hey baby," he says. "I don't remember jack-shit. Let's start dating again."
"Hell, why not?" says Lana. Because we must never forget that deep down, Lana is a two-timer of the highest order.
TIAC and Lois interrupt and mention that they've used the address on Captain Amnesia's business card to trace him to that very address.
The three of them head over to visit. Before they get there, Captain Amnesia is busy having an argument with his father. Captain Amnesia apparently shot his brother, Kid Amnesia, to death in a tragic chipmunk-hunting accident. His father, Senior Amnesia, doesn't approve of this and so Captain Amnesia is leaving town forever. But not before giving the old man a memory wipe.
About now TIAC, Lois and Superlad show up. Superlad starts hearing Captain Amnesia drive off on a motorcycle. TIAC orders Lois to look in the other direction, then orders Superlad to chase after Captain Amnesia at top speed. Superlad does so, but is going so fast that he shoots past the bike and into a cow paddock three miles up the road.
He tips one over in protest, then wanders back.
So now we're off to Luthor Mansion. Superlad and Sinead are left together, which you might think is bad news, but fortunately TIAC whispers to him to 'be careful'. Sound advice for the amnesiac half of any sexually crackling pairing.
Sinead immediately takes Superlad down to the caves, where he not-so-subtly pumps Superlad for information. He gets a little bit, but not as much as he hoped and even manages to get out a super-villainous 'coises!' as Superlad departs.
"She emails some critical files to Lois and then is stupidly chloroformed."
Meanwhile, TIAC's broken into Dr BrainResearch's Institute of Memory Madness. She emails some critical files to Lois and then is stupidly chloroformed.
Luckily, she also attached the script to the email and so Superlad knows that he's supposed to head down to Chipmunk Canyon where Captain Amnesia is reliving the day he shot his brother.
They chat about memory loss and football. Captain Amnesia doesn't really remember that well what happened the day his brother was shot.
But then, y'know, eventually does.
So it's all good.
Oh yes, and I assume every single one of you has worked out by now that it wasn't Captain Amnesia who shot his brother. It was Senior Amnesia who shot him. And is now, y'know, framing his other son for it.
Ah, Senior Amnesia. Your parenting skills are second-to-none. Well... perhaps second-to-Porthos. Oh, and the SS Jor-El.
Smallville, home of the dud fathers.
Although, personally, I still blame Kid Amnesia for wearing the squirrel costume in the first place. That's just plain foolish.
Anyway, off we shoot to the Memory Institute. TIAC's about to have her memory zapped by Senior Amnesia, who may or may not work there but still seems to know what he's doing on the memory-zapping front. Luckily, Lois and Sheriff Whatsername have made their way in. Also, Superlad and Captain Amnesia have come in the back door.
There's fisticuffs and shouting and the usual tomfoolery and then some kryptonite falls over the place, so Superlad's unwell, but then the kryptonite disappears so he gets better but then TIAC is zapped, but then Superlad intervenes and (obviously) regains all his memories (minus this current episode. Again, obviously - we all know how amnesia rays work), but then pylons are about to fall on TIAC, but then Superlad catches them, but then Lois and Sheriff Whatsername see that, but then Captain Amnesia wipes their memories and we feel that might be enough.
And that is that. Captain Amnesia walks into the sunset, heroically and perhaps onto a spin-off show of his own. Sinead and Superlad have a chat with the usual veiled innuendo and lies. Oh, and Superlad's gone a bit cold on the whole 'let's get back together with Lana' thing, so that's funny and hurtful. But then he ruins it by changing his mind. Still, a perfectly passable episode, if somewhat forgettable.
Next week: There's a baby. And it's growing up ridiculously fast. Oh no! Youngsters of today - cling to your youth.
Begone,
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