THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.2 / 10 
17: Midnight In The Mansion Of Evil And Evil
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
We open, as so many modern day storylines do, at the beginning. Sinead and one of his top researchers, Dr Incompetent, are about to trial a new experimental procedure that, if successful, will enable tobacco crops to be grown in the desert or some damn thing.
They commence the experiment which, as far as I can tell, consists of heating up some black kryptonite and hoping that it gives some cigarette butts some superpowers. It kinda starts to work but then alarms start going off everywhere.
"What's wrong?" says Sinead.
"I've heated the meteor rock to dangerous levels and now it's about to explode," says Dr Incompetent.
Sinead sighs. He knew he shouldn't have hired this clown. "Get outta here!" says Sinead. But Dr Incompetent has already fled. He may be incompetent, but he's not slow.
Sinead also starts to run, but too late! The black kryptonite explodes. Everyone's okay, though, and Sinead takes Dr Incompetent to the hospital.
Which would all be fine, except for the fact that an interested observer to all this is... Evil Sinead, a perfect twin of the regular Sinead who has been torn into separate existence by the twin powers of black kryptonite and plot desperation.
Superlad and TIAC head over to the hospital.
"Hey," says TIAC. "Heard there was an explosion at Luthorcorp."
"You hear correctly."
"I do, but I bet Superlad hears even more correctly," responds TIAC. For, as you recall, TIAC now knows of Superlad's superhumanity and has taken to dropping none-too-subtle hints about this at every opportunity.
Superlad, fortunately or otherwise, is so well practised in ignoring TIAC that he doesn't notice. Instead he takes up Sinead's offer to go down to the lab and pick up Dr Incompetent's notes.
TIAC decides that while they're doing that she'll go talk to Dr Incompetent. She proudly announces this to the others who do not care one jot.
"Evil Sinead has just finished murdering Dr Incompetent ..."
But who should TIAC bump into down at Dr Incompetent's poorly serviced room, but Evil Sinead! Evil Sinead has just finished murdering Dr Incompetent and, frankly, is not particularly subtle about it.
For example:
"I was just going to head in to see Dr Incompetent," says TIAC.
"He's dead to the world, TIAC," replies Evil Sinead, idiot grin on his melon.
"Then maybe I'll wait until he wakes up."
"You will have to wait forever because he's dead!"
And so on.
TIAC misses these clues.
So back to the laboratories. Sinead explains about his tobacco plans and gives Superlad a desert-grown cigar from one of the cigar trees.
Superlad takes a few puffs but soon extinguishes it as it tastes awful.
"Yes, that's the problem," admits Sinead. "They are easy and fast to make but taste like shit and are deadly poisonous and radioactive."
"Perhaps you could get McDonalds to market them," suggests Superlad. "McCigars!"
Sinead ignores him and instead opens up a wardrobe full of kryptonite for no good reason. Superlad winces in pain but cleverly blames the McCigar for it and wanders outside to recover and hurl up phlegm.
Evil Sinead, who had been skulking in the back of the room, sees all this and then takes the opportunity to knock out Regular Sinead and lock him in the mansion dungeon and make him wear an iron mask in a touching tribute to their favourite book Fantastic Mr Fox.
Evil Sinead explains for the audience and Regular Sinead that he can't kill Regular Sinead because he doesn't know what will happen to him (Evil Sinead) if he does. This is, of course, the same problem that all murderous twins must face at some time or another.
From here, Evil Sinead goes on a bit of a rampage. He heads off to visit Lana.
"Hi Sinead," says Lana. "What's going on?"
"I'm here to kiss you," he says. And does so.
Lana slaps him. "I have never seen such evil behaviour!" she exclaims. For she is a mega-prude.
"BTW," continues Evil Sinead. "I'm going to shut down The Death Claw."
Lana cries. Evil Sinead moves onto his next appointment.
And it's a sword fight with Porthos! Excellent! I haven't seen a sword fight with Porthos in years. Evil Sinead warms up by slapping some blonde bimbo's butt, as is traditional in modern fencing.
And then, for your edification, the Luthors fence.
Back and forth, back and forth, with Evil Sinead taunting Porthos all the while about how weak he's become what with his charities and concerns for orphaned whales and interest in the beautiful things the world has to offer.
Porthos, in turn, tries to defend his new-found goodness.
"Life is too short to be mean," he says. "Now, c'mon, Sinead why don't you help me raise funds for my charities - we can Fence for Peace!"
Evil Sinead has had enough of this and slices Porthos's cheek open.
Porthos cries and Evil Sinead heads off to his next appointment.
It's with Superlad, who (thanks to TIAC's hacking wizardry) knows about the existence of two Sineads. He storms into the mansion.
"Are you Evil Sinead?" says Superlad.
"I am not," says Evil Sinead.
"Let's pick up TIAC and go back to the labs so you can betray me and drop a massive weight on my head."
"Good enough for me," says Superlad. "Let's pick up TIAC and go back to the labs so you can betray me and drop a massive weight on my head."
"Agreed."
They do this, but Evil Sinead is then startled to see that, despite plonking an enormous ten tonne whatchamacallit on Superlad's noddle, Superlad is okay!
You would think that, by now, Sinead might be starting to get a teensy bit of deja vu with the semi-regular revelations of Superlad's powers. But apparently not. Because he looks as startled as a mule this time as well.
Superlad takes TIAC to safety, then heads back to the barn where Evil Sinead is there to mock him.
"Hey, Superlad," says Sinead. "I have been an idiot until now not to realise that you possess powers and abilities beyond those of mortal men."
"I don't know what you're talking about," says Superlad, as always, entrenched in the lies.
"I dropped an enormous ten tonne thingummy on your head and you just shrugged it off!" says Evil Sinead.
"I was lucky," says Superlad. Which, to be fair, worked as an excuse for TIAC. But which, to be even fairer, was even easier, because TIAC was simply pretending to believe his absurd lies.
"Lucky, schmucky," says Evil Sinead. "Now come, join me and we will conquer the galaxy. With my brains and your powers we'll be unstoppable."
"What about my brains?" says Superlad.
Evil Sinead laughs at this. Superlad goes to throttle him, but is knocked down by kryptonite, which Sinead has fashioned into a stylish ring. Sinead starts punching Superlad who goes 'ouch' and 'that hurts' a lot. This draws the attention of Bo and Boring Old Ma who run in to help, only to find that Sinead also has a gun, with which he shoots Bo in the kneecap for a laugh.
He then leaves. "Oh, by the way," he says, as he goes and for no good reason. "The other Sinead is kept very close to me... in fact, some might say he's right beneath me... in the basement..."
This is almost explicit enough a clue for Superlad to unravel, but only after he first checks whether the barn has a basement. It does not, and so he heads over to the mansion. He frees Regular Sinead, but it's a trap and Evil Sinead is there to punch him some more with the kryptonite ring. He's having a good time but then Regular Sinead starts punching him (Evil Sinead) and then the fight just gets so confusing that Superlad uses his heat vision to explode the ring which, as all of us who have studied first year chemistry know, causes the two Sineads to merge back together.
And, conveniently enough, forget everything.
And that's more or less that. Sinead has to go around and apologise to everybody for Evil Sinead's actions, which is a bit awkward and unbecoming especially when Lana is unnecessarily snarky about it. She wonders whether Evil Sinead is really the true Sinead that Regular Sinead keeps hidden away from the world.
"Yes, I wonder that too," says Sinead. And looks worried. But, y'know, still dashing.
Porthos has no doubt. He's hitching his star to the Evil Sinead wagon and has disbanded his charities and declared himself a 'fighting fit supervillain back in the game'.
And that, if nothing else, is enough to give this episode an A for outstAnding.
Next week: We see the unleashing of Evil Krypto!! Be there as he digs up the back yard and brings bones into the house.
Begone,
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