THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.2 / 10 
15: Made In China
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Okay, then. I get the picture. Here I am, diligently refusing to even acknowledge the existence of Lana's stupid 'I used to be a witch but now I'm all better, thanks very much Dr Quinn' subplot. And the writers respond with this: an entire episode devoted to nothing else.
Sigh.
It's enough to make a chronicler throw his arms up in something more or less akin to despair. Still, contractual obligations beckon in their litigious fashion. So, let's get to it.
We open with Superlad receiving a posthumous package from Dr Christopher Reeve. There's a letter attached: Dear Kal-El, I died. Here's your octagonal key back. Sorry to have kept it so long. I lost it down the back of the sofa. Be good. Dr Christopher Reeve (Deceased).
And there in the package is, indeed, the octagonal key.
"Oh perfect," says Bo, not a fan of octagons.
"I'll just duck down to the caves then," says Superlad. He does so, and plonks the key in the slot.
The SS Jor-El pops out.
"Kal-El," he says. "This season is aimless and disturbing. Let me give you an overriding plot objective to see if we can regain some focus and perhaps boost our ratings by a few crucial points. There are three stones that contain magical information and you should track them all down and combine them because, hell, why not? If anybody else beats you to it they will become very, very powerful which perhaps means that a) we shouldn't have sent them to the planet a couple of millennia before you and b) I should have mentioned this at some point in previous seasons when we were chatting to one another every other day. Still, muddle-headed is as muddle-headed does. Jor-El Out."
And he disappears until next time the plot needs a push along.
"Porthos sticks his nose into all this and sends Lana over there ..."
It turns out one of the stones is in China and that's where Sinead and WM2 are getting into mischief, following maps and learning how to use chopsticks and joining the Red Army. Porthos sticks his nose into all this and sends Lana over there to keep the cast all on the one set. Superlad's never seen China before, so he tags along.
He leaves a note for Bo. Dear Bo, me and Lana are going to China to look for magic stones like SS Jor-El said. LOL. I'll bring you back some Chinese food and will fix the back fence when I get home. Hope that's okay. ;-)
Superlad and Lana wander down Main Street, Shanghai where they blend in perfectly. They find their way to The Green Dragon, a local pub, where the owner looks at their map.
"This is a very important map," she says. "It shows how to find the magic stone around which this plot revolves. People have been searching for this map for two thousand years. Although, to be blunt, it is unclear why, as we all know the stone is hidden somewhere in a nearby temple."
Lana and Superlad are unsure what she's talking about, but take the opportunity to hug one another tightly on the pretense they're avoiding a dangerous passing motorcyclist.
Wise Chinese Map-Reader continues on. "This is a very important map. Look after it because people will try and kill you for it."
"Rightey-o," says Superlad, and pops it in his back pocket.
So they go off to the temple which is where the stone is hidden, regardless of what the map says. Superlad peers around with the ol' X-peepers and finds something hidden behind a secret wall.
"Why don't you go and get captured by the Chinese Army?" he suggests.
"Okay," says Lana.
And she heads off. Sinead, always one step ahead of the game, has already been captured by the Chinese Army. He's paid them extra to beat WM2 senseless, which they do with their usual Oriental aplomb.
Superlad, meanwhile, has wandered through the secret door and found an exquisite dress. Unfortunately, it's embroidered with kryptonite so when he tries it on he falls down unconscious.
Back in the dungeons, Lana is dragged in and electrocuted. Ha-ha-ha!! Oh China. Your Eastern wisdom shames us all.
Sadly for viewer and Chinese torturer alike, the electrocution summons forth the spirit of the witch. She magics her way out of everything and then has a big fight with Superlad, who has taken the dress off and so is all better.
Fight, fight, fight. Break for Lana-witch to find the magic stone and Superlad to explain to everybody how the map isn't a map at all, but rather, I dunno, a vacuum cleaner instruction manual or some damn thing. Then fight, fight, fight again until Superlad wins and Lana returns to (something approaching) normality.
Somehow in the scuffle, the magic stone goes missing.
"That's a shame," says Sinead, who has bribed his way out of his shackles.
Superlad shrugs and, after a delicious yum cha meal, everybody decides to fly back home.
And that's more or less that. So what do we make of this particular episode?
"She pulls a sad face to demonstrate her sadness."
Well, for one thing, Lana hates this subplot. She hates turning into a witch. It makes her feel sad to have secret powers hidden beneath her surface prettiness and it also disturbs her that when people find out about these powers she's treated differently, almost as if she's an alien of some description. She pulls a sad face to demonstrate her sadness. "Do you understand how that feels, Superlad?"
"Not really," says Superlad, still distracted, trying to fathom how chopsticks work.
So Lana moves on over to WM2, who is far more sympathetic, despite his lack of Kryptonian heritage. "Hey, lookie here," he says. And lo, it's the magic stone!! Somehow during the scuffle, it had been found by a passing cleaner of some description and WM2 had then purchased it on ebay.
Sinead obviously blames the entire mess on Porthos, who protests his innocence with ferocity.
"I am the new Albert Schweitzer!" he says. "I am as good and innocent and noble of spirit as the day is long!!"
"Yes, in an Alaskan winter perhaps!" shoots back Sinead, smiling baldly and wittily.
Porthos doesn't get it, so Sinead pulls out a globe of the world and demonstrates how the axial tilt of the Earth results in the polar extremities having vastly shortened days and nights in line with the changing of the seasons.
Porthos eventually gets it, but neither can remember under what context the conversation started, so they suggest we instead cut to the final scene.
Which is Superlad heading into the kitchen for the dressing-down from Bo and Boring Old Ma.
"Yes, I know," he says. "Shooting off to China with no notice is bad behaviour and worthy of a whuppin'."
"You bet your super-hide it is," says Bo, reaching for the whuppin-stick.
"Did you bring us back one of those funky hats?" asks Ma.
"Never mind that," says Superlad. "We have more to worry about with these magic stones."
And they all look worriedly at one another, because the script calls for it, but nobody's really quite sure why because the danger hasn't been coherently explained to anybody. Perhaps the true danger is that while the stones remain unaccounted for, this goddamn witch subplot risks being raised with but a moment's notice.
And that, my friends, is frightening enough.
Next week: Lois's sister comes to town. Superlad is sure hoping she's an identical twin.
Begone,
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