THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.2 / 10 
14: Tales From The Krypto
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
At last, the incessant clamouring of the fans has been heeded and the Powers That Be at Smallville HQ have succumbed - Krypto the Superdog is here!
Well, kinda.
We open with a pair of nogoodniks, looking to rob, I dunno, a convenience store. Sensibly, they have chosen to do so in the most surreptitious fashion possible - namely, by using a pair of dogs with superstrength.
The dogs run in, and start biting through safes and stealing money. The shop owner pulls out a gun which is chewed to pieces. The shop owner, perhaps sensing something unusual, runs into his panic room. He slams the door shut behind him, but the scarier of the two dogs simply runs head first into the door and then chews through the lock and bursts in. He savages the shop owner but then is summoned back by NoGoodNik A, who blows on a dog whistle.
Kudos to the NoGoodNiks, I say. Many dogs like to chew haphazardly and with great destruction - these two gents have simply found a criminally beneficial use for it.
They leap into the car and run off, foolishly leaving behind the other dog, who equi-foolishly decides to run in front of a car, which, at the very apex of foolishness, is being driven by Lois. She collides with the dog and then takes him back to the Kent Farm.
Lois tries to hide the dog in the barn, away from Bo's prying eyes. This meets with predictable failure, as the dog breaks free from his chain and shows up in the kitchen.
"What's all this about then?" says Bo.
"Lois has yet to be enslaved by the Kents' Lie-A-Lot tendencies."
"It's a dog. I hit him with my car," says Lois. For this is indeed what happened, and Lois has yet to be enslaved by the Kents' Lie-A-Lot tendencies.
"Can we keep him, can we keep him?" says Superlad.
"Preposterous!" says Bo. "Dogs don't belong on farms. First thing tomorrow you two will take him to the vet, perhaps bicker with your usual sexual chemistry, and that will be the end of this episode, apart from Lana's tedious witch subplot.
"Exactly," says Lois, then sneezes, because she's humorously allergic to the dog. She goes to bed.
"Well, I guess I'll do my chores," says Superlad.
"It's 3 am!" says Bo, once more on top of things, time-wise.
"Yes, well now that Lois is living here I have to do my superspeed chores in the dead of night, lest she uncover my secret."
"Good thinking, son," says Bo.
"Unless you'd like to, maybe, cut with the cheapstakery and hire some help."
"Hahahaha!!" says Bo, ruffling his hair. "Now maybe you should start by fixing the hole in the barn."
And he does so.
I assume it goes without saying that the very first vet into which Superlad and Lois stroll the next day contains both NoGoodNik A and NoGoodNik B. I therefore see no need to say it and will instead clarify that the microchip that was scanned while there revealed the dog was an escapee from Luthorcorp.
Which happily for all gives Superlad an opportunity to go visit Sinead. But before we do that, we've got some padding.
NoGoodNik B is revealed to be by far the nastier of the two NoGoodNiks, prodding at the one remaining caged dog with a stick and calling him 'stupid' and 'bonebreath'. He also exposits for us - explaining how the dogs get injected with Essence of Kryptonite, which gives them the strength for limited periods of time.
NoGoodNik A is unhappy about all of this - the tormenting as well as the sloppy expositionary writing - but is sneered down by NoGoodNik B who claims that 'next thing you know, you'll be wanting me to be written as something other than a one-dimensional well of pure nastiness. Wake up, NoGoodNik A, that's not going to happen'.
At some point around now (probably a few scenes prior, but let's not be a slave to chronology - we are, after all, not children) we also have Lois deciding to name the dog after Superlad, because he's annoying and, I dunno, always licking himself. Superlad would prefer to call the dog Skippy (after the Family Ties neighbour) or General Zod (for reasons he can't explain). Eventually they will settle on Krypto, which Superlad will have difficulty explaining away without resorting to homophones, but which he will stubbornly stick with, regardless.
This crucial issue is left for future scenes, however, while we duck over to the mansion where Sinead is about to have a game of snooker with himself. Two words for you, Sinead - 'stylish'. Said twice.
"Come on in, Superlad, I was just about to break," says Sinead.
"Break...dance? Can you do the robot!!?!" says Superlad.
Sinead sensibly ignores him. They have a veiled conversation about superpowered dog research.
Superlad: "Found a dog that was owned by Luthorcorp."
Sinead: "Ahhh. Wouldn't be superstrong by any chance?"
Superlad: "Well, he seems... healthy."
Sinead: "I see. My father was breeding superstrong dogs."
Superlad: "I see." Pause. "Any idea why?"
Sinead: "Let's just put it into Porthos's Bag o' Crazy Notions, along with the zombie spies and cloned schoolgirls.
Superlad: "Fair enough. I guess I'll keep the dog then."
Sinead: "Fine. I have another subplot to deal with, anyway."
Then there's an attack on Bo by the other dog. Krypto goes to Bo's rescue, and there's a very tense growl-off, (much as you'd see in any given episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, before the dogs are summoned back to the car by NoGoodNik A and his Dog Whistle of Obedience.
"Are you all right, Bo?" asks Boring Old Ma.
"... luckily I was wearing a large amount of padding on my arm ..."
"Yes, luckily I was wearing a large amount of padding on my arm for just this very scene."
"That was lucky," agrees Lois, resplendent in a very tight green top.
So Superlad and Lois go off to look for the dog the next day. Somehow (I can't be bothered remembering how) they've discovered the dogs are to be used in a robbery of one of Luthorcorp's many money trucks that rumble from small town to small town, exhibiting cash to farmers and country hicks in a financial Cirque du Soleil.
Superlad and Lois bicker on the way with the, y'know, crackling sexual chemistry but eventually find their way to the holdup.
"You go distract yourself out of sight of my actions, Lois," says Superlad.
"Will do."
Superlad then breaks into the back of the NoGoodNiks' van where he promptly spills kryptonite all over himself and starts with the kryptonite-induced coughing up blood and flaking of scalp. Which is perhaps rather poorly thought out. Luckily, Krypto follows the truck to the climactic scene.
From there, things proceed to a rapidish conclusion. NoGoodNik B decides to up his Nasty Level to Extreme and proposes he set the truck on fire, burning both Superlad and the other dog to death. NoGoodNik A thinks that's 'a bit rough' but goes along with it - because of the peer pressure I assume. Then there's a tag team of rescues. First Krypto drags Superlad to safety, and Superlad beats up the NoGoodNiks. Meanwhile, Krypto lets the other dog free and prevents him from the burning. And then Superlad dashes to Krypto's rescue.
So it all works out okay. There's a bathing scene with Lois which would have occupied much more than a sentence of my time, had it not been simply her bathing the dog. There's also a scene with Sinead popping by to visit Superlad and discuss the strength of the dog and so forth and how if he is superstrong it'd probably be for the best if he was returned to Luthorcorp for evaluation and training - because he might be dangerous to own.
"Oh, I think I can handle him," says Superlad, and winks.
"You idiot," says Sinead. "I don't know your secret."
"Ah." Pause. "Anyway, he saved my life and we've thereby forged a unique bond. We belong together, boy and dog, an indomitable team, never to be broken." Another pause. "Assuming Bo lets me keep him."
Bo does so, on the condition that the dog helps out with the chores and learns to play dead, because Bo 'loves that trick'.
Lana Witch Subplot Update: Still tedious. This episode we learned that Lana was the descendant of a witch. Also, Dr Quinn was the descendant of the person who burned the witch at the stake. Which I'm pretty sure we already knew.
Next week: Surely now we must be primed for Beppo the Supermonkey.
Begone,
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