THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7 / 10 
13: Chad Linebacker And His Magical Paralysin' Fingertips
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
It's a substandard episode this week so, sensibly enough, we open with a drinking game. Apparently Lois earns spare cash at Metropolis University by outdrinking random alcoholic footballers. Good for her, I say.
Of course, the Lane liver inevitably leads her to victory and she heads back to her dorm, flush with cash and vodka backwash. She is stopped by Drunkard Footballer #19.
"Hi Lois," he says.
"Oh! Oh! Oh!!" says Lois. "Is this a date rape?? Do you think just because I wander dorm to dorm getting drunk, wearing nothing but a pair of pyjamas and a hidden layer of lingerie that I'm interested in sexual tomfoolery?!?"
"Um, you dropped your purse," says Drunkard Footballer #19.
"No means no, mister!!" says Lois, and kicks him in the gut before running home.
Which is fine until the next morning when she's arrested for crippling the poor guy.
Meanwhile, back at the Kent barn, Bo and Superlad are having one of their man-to-Kryptonian football chats. Superlad is being wooed by Metropolis U to come play football for their stupid team and, like, maybe get an education if time and cheerleaders permit.
Bo is all for sexual cavorting with cheerleaders. He, after all, had his fair share of dalliances as a Hazzard county youth. But what he doesn't approve of is Superlad being triumphant on the football field thanks to a dizzying array of unearthly abilities.
Y'know, the same thing he's been disapproving of every other episode since the show began. Bo? Dude? We get it.
"But I don't use my abilities when I play!!" whines Superlad. This, of course, makes vast quantities of unsense. Are we supposed to believe that Superlad's speed and strength, rather than being a sensible continuum, instead have some kind of internal switch where he knows precisely what he would be capable of, had he not had the superpowers and was simply an everyday model or construction worker?
Apparently, yes, we are to believe that, so before any of us can think too hard about it, Superlad is greeted by Chad Linebacker, the greatest footballer in Metropolis U's history and former Smallville hick made good.
"Wow!!" says Superlad. "It's Chad Linebacker, the greatest footballer in Metropolis U's history and former Smallville hick made good."
For the exposition, y'see.
"Lois has immediately headed off to visit her high school cousin for advice."
Anyways, like any of us do when accused of crippling a drunken footballer, Lois has immediately headed off to visit her high school cousin for advice.
"I didn't kick him that hard," claims Lois.
"Yes, but you were drunk," says TIAC, possibly as a warning to kids out there in viewerland not to get drunk and cripple people, possibly just as a random taunt.
"Ha ha!" says Superlad, wandering into the scene. "You're so busted, Lois!"
"That's busty," corrects Lois. Then a pause. "Oh, you mean my pending grievous bodily harm charge. Yes. That's not looking so hot."
"Perhaps we can all go down to Metropolis U and solve this mystery together!" suggests TIAC.
"There's a mystery?" says Superlad. "I thought she just broke the guy's spine."
"Look," says TIAC. "It's a mystery. Just shut up and get in the car and we'll sort it out when we get there."
"Nuh-uh. Can't do it," says Superlad. "I'm getting a lift with Chad Linebacker, the greatest footballer in Metropolis U's history and former Smallville hick made good. We're going for a ride in his truck that has a satellite tracking system built in for ease of navigation and to save important plot time around about the climax of this episode."
TIAC ignores him for the most part. "So... you're going to play football? Doesn't that strike you as a little unfair? Y'know, what with your (cough) talents and all."
"Kinda the point of professional sport, TIAC," says Superlad, rubbing her hand gently.
Anyway, they all go to Metropolis U. Superlad is given a rousing cheer by rousing cheerleaders, before being whisked off to some kind of keg house where a couple of the rousing cheerleaders take him upstairs for deflowering.
Superlad is determined to cling to his super-virginity, however, and tries a number of ineffectual excuses ("I have to get up early tomorrow", "it's really getting kinda late" and "is that the girl I'm crazy about hiding in the closet" among them) before eventually realising the last one was true.
A lucky escape for Superlad there. Not so lucky is Drunkard Footballer #19 who is forced to listen to some stilted and poorly written expository dialogue from Chad Linebacker, before being paralysed by his (apparently) paralytic fingertips and smothered to death with a pillow.
Word gets back about Drunkard Footballer #19's demise and the keghouse responds by ordering another keg. "He would have wanted it this way!" claims Chad Linebacker, chugging an entire jug.
There is crazed, drunken cheering.
While all of this is going on, there is tension between Sinead, Lana and WM2 thanks to, y'know, webs of lies and obsessions with 16th Century witches. I could pretend to care. That's within my range of capabilities. But is hiding behind such a mask a truly acceptable way of living one's life?
Of course not.
"TIAC gets a little bored ... and decides instead to wander off set and check her contract."
Anyway, back at Metropolis U, there's all manner of silliness going on. Lois and TIAC decide to wander around the campus, badgering people at random for clues. TIAC gets a little bored with the aimlessness of the scene (and, indeed, episode) and decides instead to wander off set and check her contract. While she's gone, Lois is paralysed by Chad Linebacker and his Magical Paralysing Fingertips, dragged into a van and whisked away.
TIAC returns from her careful, but fruitless, re-examination of her contract and finds Lois's sunglasses. She looks around warily, then pockets them.
She chats to Superlad, doesn't say anything about the sunnies, and tells him that Lois has been kidnapped by Chad Linebacker. Superlad nods and points out that he just saw Chad Linebacker paralyse a party-goer who had been trying to sell him urine.
"Ew, I can't blame him," says TIAC.
"No, for faking drug tests!" says Superlad, pleased for once to be the explainer rather than the explainee. "Now how are we going to track him down?"
"Why don't we use his car's geotracking system we alluded to earlier? If we can get Chad's PIN from the locked safe at PINS'R'US and hack into the system we can dial up and find his exact location. And then you can go beat the snot out of him."
"Done," says Superlad. He dashes off, dashes back, there's hacking and Chad is located. Superlad dashes off again.
He starts to beat up Chad who eventually holds a finger up and makes him stop for a second and listen closely to his tale.
"Superlad," he says. "I never meant to kill anybody. I never used to use my powers when I played for Smallville but the pressure to win was too much at Metropolis U and I was left with no choice but to paralyse the opposition and then start killing people. I had no other option. Because of the pressure, y'see."
Superlad gazes skyward, deep in thought. Is there a lesson in this tale for him? Somewhere? Subtly hidden perhaps?
He's not sure.
"But, hey," he says. "Where's Lois?"
She's drowning in the sewers of course, so Superlad puts a stop to that.
And with what are we left after all this idiocy? Well, Superlad has a chat with Bo and Boring Old Ma about not playing football for Metropolis U.
"I'm so sorry," says Boring Old Ma, offering nothing to the conversation. "I know how much you wanted to play."
Bo yawns. "The important thing to remember is that you've been taught - for approximately the six hundredth time in this series - that your powers do not belong on a football field."
"Exactly. Also, having to buy clean urine from strange men? Not good."
"Oh... I don't know..." says Boring Old Ma.
Then Superlad talks to TIAC who continues to goad him mercilessly about the superpowery thing. "I'm proud of you for not playing football, Superlad," she says. "I think you're destined for much bigger things. Perhaps you will even be this planet's greatest hero and wear red boots and a cape."
"You're getting really weird, TIAC."
And then Lois shows up in the barn and makes Superlad invite her to live with them. For, y'know, the sexual tension and the ensuing extra ratings points.
A very stupid episode. No Porthos. Too much of Lana and her stupid subplot (not that there was a lot of it, but there was still too much of it, especially now that Sinead's embroiled in it). I don't often say this, but this episode needed much more of TIAC. Her teasing of Superlad and not-so-subtle gibes about his superpowers were the only thing keeping me awake.
Next week: Krypto the Superdog! Brilliant! I sure hope he talks.
Begone,
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