THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7 / 10 
12: TIAC Discovers The Secret!!
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Lots to get through so let's get into it. There is a karaoke bar at The Death Claw and TIAC is belting out a Joan Jett tune. She is ably assisted in this by Lois, who has made the long journey to Smallville for this episode, such is her love of traditional Japanese culture.
Sadly, just as the girls are about to surge into a complicated countermelody, Superlad walks in with Teleporting Chick. So startling is this, that we hear the sound of a stylus being ripped off a record, despite the hard disk technology of the karaoke machine. The camera also holds its focus slightly too long on a creepy kid with sideburns that impress.
WM2 and Lana are particularly furious. "I can't believe you brought her here," says WM2.
"Oh!" says Superlad. "Because she tried to murder Lana last season?" He hmmms. "Yes, I suppose that in retrospect that was a mite inconsiderate."
What's even more inconsiderate is when Lana heads upstairs to take a shower in the centrepiece of her room and somebody somehow makes their way past the closed door and starts strangling her with a shower curtain. WM2 breaks in and puts a stop to this but by that point the mysterious assailant is gone.
After the opening credits, we therefore head off to the hospital where everybody is pointing fingers at Teleporting Chick. Metaphorical fingers, sure, but still fingers.
"Nuh-uh," says Superlad. "TC was with me the whole time. We were sucking face out by Lake Smallville."
TIAC is not deterred. "Yes, but what if you turned your back for a split second. She could have teleported back and throttled Lana and been back even before you'd reholstered your chapstick!"
"Yeah," says Lois, somewhat superfluous at this point.
Back at the farm and Bo and Boring Old Ma are just as anti-TC. "You know how much we detest her," says Boring Old Ma. "And how criminally insane she is. Why do you continue to see her?"
"You always told me to look for the good in people," says Superlad.
"... it's not that we don't thinks she's hot."
"Not the villains, son," says Bo. He moves behind Superlad and gives him a consoling rub of the shoulders. "Look, it's not that we don't thinks she's hot. We do! Right Ma?"
Boring Old Ma looks unimpressed. Bo ignores her and continues on. "She's very cute. But she is a troublemaking murderer type and sometimes that is a more important thing to consider."
Superlad's not so sure. So while Boring Old Ma and Bo have a minor squabble in the back of the kitchen, Superlad retires to the barn to chat with TC.
"Everyone thinks you're a cute and crazy murderer!" he says.
"People think I'm cute?" she says, beaming widely.
"But I know you couldn't have attacked Lana because you were with me the whole time and you had that bracelet on your wrist that prevents you from teleporting."
"Ummm... yes... about that?" and she pulls back her sleeve to reveal the bracelet is gone. She notes Superlad's disapproval of, like, the deceit and that and goes on the offensive. "Well, how would you like it if people tried to take your powers away?"
"That'd suck!"
The debate endeth.
Over at the school and Lois and TIAC are wandering around. "So," says TIAC. "Apart from your love of the Kansas Karaoke circuit, why exactly are you here?"
"I thought my dimples could come in handy." She flashes them a little. "See?"
But her brazen dimple usage has attracted the attention of our camera-hog from the first scene, young Johnny Sideburns. "Hi Lois," he says. "Would you like to... um... that is... if you'd like... er.... coffee?"
Lois ews a little, but TIAC is sufficiently full of mischief to agree on her behalf.
We zoom back to The Death Claw. Lana is trying to convince WM2 to stop following her around everywhere and go study (WM2 apparently studies stuff - no clues as to what yet, although my money is on the minor works of D H Lawrence).
"But TC could pop in at any point and try and strangle you again!" says WM2.
"Pffrrrt!" says Boring Old Ma. "And like you'd be able to stop her. Why don't we get Superlad in to play bodyguard and protect Lana like a real man, while you go read your porn books."
Boring Old Ma, tactless and unnecessarily cruel.
So WM2 shrugs, Superlad tries to sit down and grab a cup of something but before he even gets a chance to do so, WM2 is being tediously strangled in his car. He pounds his horn which emits an annoying monotonic melody and Superlad rushes out to his rescue.
Eventually.
But oh no! There's nobody there, but there is TC's scarf.
So, sigh. Back to the hospital again. Dr Quinn shows up and shows maternal, frontier concern at WM2's plight, before snarking on Lana for a bit. All rather harmless stuff.
While that happens, Superlad is back at the barn confronting TC. "So..." he begins. "Found your scarf at the scene of another murder attempt."
"You think I did it?"
"That is indeed very close to the nub of my gist."
"I'm only a suspect because everybody knows my powers. If everybody knew your powers you'd be a suspect too. So why don't we both go down to the Lazy Smallville Cops and tell them about our powers?"
"He makes the cuckoo motion with his finger."
"Prrfffrrt!" snorts Superlad. "Didn't you just hear yourself? Because then I'd be a suspect too." He makes the cuckoo motion with his finger.
TC teleports away.
Superlad then tries to dob her into the cops but this time TC has a believable alibi, as she was being brutally interrogated at Guantanamo Bay at the exact instant WM2 was being strangled.
And also, like, the whole 'absolutely no motive' thing.
Doesn't matter though because TC has popped in to visit TIAC. She mocks TIAC for being 'one hundred percent incapable of solving even the most overt dual identity puzzle', then teleports her into a car. (By this, of course, I don't mean that TIAC is somehow converted into a car, in the manner of a Transformer. Rather, I mean that TIAC and TC emerge in the front seats of a motor vehicle.) TC hits the accelerator, then rather more sensibly kicks over the ignition and then hits the accelerator and off they roar.
"What's going on?" says TIAC, her inquisitive little mind never at rest.
"Oh, you'll see," says TC. She calls Superlad, and says that she's in a car that won't stop and she needs to be rescued right now, like. She then teleports TIAC out of the car where they watch it's trajectory be intercepted by Superlad who catches it effortlessly with one hand, before putting it down. He then looks in the car, sees nobody there, so dashes off as fast as he can.
TIAC more or less goes into jaw-gaping shock at this point.
While all this is happening, Lois and Johnny Sideburns are having their date where, to the surprise of, oh, approximately nobody, Johnny Sideburns is revealed to be more than a skerrick bonkers and, furthermore, responsible for the attempts on Lana and WM2's life (some nonsense about immorality). Oh, and furthermore still, can turn into a sandstorm.
So Lois makes herself scarce. And Johnny Sideburns heads over to visit Teleporting Chick. He finds her and chloroforms her. She doesn't teleport away before losing consciousness because, um, apparently chloroform restricts her powers too (?).
Sinead then deigns to make an appearance in the show. He chats with Dr Quinn for a bit, who wants him to destroy WM2's relationship with Lana. "I don't meddle in other people's love lives," claims Sinead, inexplicably. He then also claims to not be a family therapist, which seems to take Dr Quinn aback and she calls for an immediate end to the scene.
By this stage, Superlad has found TC hanged in a barn somewhere. Like, properly, hanged dead. Which certainly dampens everybody's spirits. Lois shows up and tells Superlad about Johnny Sideburns and where to find him and then there's a big fight which ends with Superlad almost strangling JS, but then not doing so because Lois talks wicked good dimple sense into him.
Cut to two days later. Superlad is just sitting in the barn, throwing a ball against the wall, feeling glum about TC's death. Bo and Boring Old Ma try to console him.
"What happened was terrible, son," says Bo. "But it wasn't your fault -- nice catch -- You have to remember that she knew your powers and that almost inevitably leads to a secondary character's death on the show."
"I know she was cute," says Boring Old Ma, shooting a hateful glare at Bo. "And I know you cared about her, but don't you also think... just a little bit... good riddance to bad rubbish."
They leave.
Then TIAC and Lois have a chat. TIAC asks Lois about what she would do if she knew the secret of a friend she cared about who didn't share the secret. Would she then tell him that she already knew the secret?. Or some damn thing.
"What would be the point?" says Lois. "He already knows it. Duh. See you next week." And off she goes.
And that's essentially it. Sinead and WM2 ostensibly team up to fight Dr Quinn but that's a subplot for another episode surely. Also, TIAC tells Superlad she'll listen to him anytime he wants, even if he does want to astonish her by revealing the most enormous secret ever.
Lots and lots of goings on in this episode. Almost too much to chronicle really. I hereby declare this episode 'chock-a-block full of subplotty goodness' and look forward to next week, when Superlad rejoins the football team.
Begone,
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