THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.4 / 10 
11: Superlad Does A Britney
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Guess who is being released from the nuthouse? The Joker? Jack Nicholson? Your Uncle Hiram? No, it's Teleportin' Chick, who made such a name for herself by teleporting and stalking young Superlad last season.
She wanders straight into Superlad's barn and announces herself.
"I'm back!" she says, an announcement of the most correct kind.
"Well, you're still kinda cute," admits Superlad. "But you're crazy as a Broadway tune and able to teleport into all kinds of mischief."
"Wrong and wrong, Superlad Kent," reveals Teleportin' Chick. "Dr Metallica from the nuthouse says I'm all better and just to prove it, he makes me wear this bracelet that prevents me from teleporting."
"Well, okay then," says Superlad. "I suppose I will go out with you."
Boring Old Ma and Bo like this idea not one iota (probably 6/7th of an iota if I was forced to guess).
"Do you not recall how she stalked and attempted to murder you?" says Boring Old Ma.
"But she's better now," says Superlad.
"What I'm concerned about," says Bo. "Is that she knows your secret." Because, really, isn't that all Bo is ever concerned about? I say: Bo, chill a little. Off the top of my head I can tally about a dozen people who know. If the secret gets out, it gets out.
"But don't you see?" says Superlad. "That means I don't have to lie to her!"
"But you're so good at that!" protests Boring Old Ma. Bo nods serenely.
Anyway, over at the mansion, Porthos has busted in on Sinead having a swordfight with a Playboy model (which is, coincidentally, how I spend my Tuesday afternoons). Porthos makes a lewd reference to Sinead 'playing with his sword' and then continues to astound everybody by sticking to his newfound 'I just want to help mankind' principles.
"Are you still going on about that?" says Sinead.
"I'm going to start a charitable organisation that will feed the rainforests ..."
"Yes," says Porthos, lying like the demented and glorious weasel that he is. "I'm going to start a charitable organisation that will feed the rainforests and stop logging the hungry."
Everybody rolls their eyes.
By this stage, Superlad and Teleportin' Chick are on a date. They're skating around an ice rink. Superlad's got the whole 'unco metahuman' riff working perfectly and manages to get her to hold him tight and then fall and be pinned under his manly body.
"Hi baby," he says, smiling ruggedly.
But Teleporting Chick is too distracted by the sight of Dr Metallica, her shrink. She excuses herself for a moment and goes to talk to him.
"Teleporting Chick," says Dr Metallica. "You should not be seeing Superlad. He's the one that caused you to have a breakdown in the first place, in Episode 14 of last season."
"But I thought I was better now!" complains TC.
"I think you need some more sessions with me... out of the office..." He caresses her hair slightly, then unnecessarily elaborates: "... in my bedroom... in your underwear..."
Ew, Dr Metallica.
So TC goes back to join Superlad. She's had a gutful of all this. She wants to go to California where nobody will know her (the Smallville ratings in California are notoriously poor). She invites Superlad to come with her.
"That's crazy talk!" he says. "I've got chores to do."
Meanwhile, over in another scene, Lana and TIAC are providing a pro-celibacy message for the kids. Lana apparently wants to bonk WM2, because he's, I dunno, too mature to play catch'n'kiss... or some damn thing. TIAC has a strong word of warning.
"Y'know, Lana, clinical trials have proven that over 69% of girls aged less than 18 Earth years regret having sex before that age and with somebody eerily similar to a boyfriend who died on the football fields of Vietnam." She beams. "That's a medical fact!"
"Tell me about your first time," says Lana, assuming TIAC is slut enough to know what she's talking about.
"It was an intern at the Daily Planet. He was drunk. I was desperate. It wasn't bad. But it wasn't special." She turns to the camera. "And kids, you want the first time to be with somebody special. The rest of the times can be with anybody you please. But try and make the first time with an alien rocketed to Earth from an exploding planet."
"Thanks, TIAC," says Lana, turning to face the camera also. "That's good advice." She gives a street-smart thumbs up.
Back to the story. Somehow Teleporting Chick has managed to find one of the thousands of Red Kryptonite rings that are kept around Smallville for precisely such plot purposes and she has refashioned it into a necklace, which she hangs around Superlad.
As a result, the two of them are ignoring Lana and TIAC's timely celibacy message and are on the brink of shagging their loins out.
"Does this mean you're my boyfriend?" says TC, as Superlad tears her pants to shreds.
"Whatever, baby," says Superlad. "Hey, let's get illegally married in Las Vegas." And he breaks her Teleport-No-More™ Bracelet.
So off they shoot to Las Vegas, where a drunken celebrant storms through the ceremony, having his heels zapped with heat vision every time he slows down. Back to the hotel room where clothes are torn asunder and powers are flaunted in sexy and naughty games.
But in the crucial final seconds before the Little Man of Steel makes his appearance, TC makes the critical strategic error of removing the necklace.
Superlad reels back, stunned. "What have you done to me??"
"I've torn your clothes off and am about to ravish you in ways that you've never been ravished before," says TC.
"You drugged me with Red K!" says Superlad, seriously missing the point.
So that looks to be all over.
"WM2 can't be bothered to satiate her teen lust."
Another bout of sexual shenanigans is avoided when, despite Lana taking the time out to light about 30,000 candles in her bedroom, WM2 can't be bothered to satiate her teen lust.
"Got a football game," he grunts. He grabs a helmet. "Also, I think my mother's a 16th Century witch who is manipulating us for her own nefarious schemes." He grabs a jockstrap. "Nice legs, though."
And off he heads.
Back at the barn and TC has shown up to see Superlad. She's apologetic about, y'know, the whole clouding of the mind and manipulating him into marriage thing. She tries to put forward the thesis that maybe the Red K just lowers inhibitions sufficiently to allow him to, y'know, have normal sexual urges, but Superlad doesn't want to hear.
By this stage, Dr Metallica has shown up. He accuses Superlad of being a 'troubled teen' and therefore points a gun at him. "I can treat your psychological woes," he says. "And if you don't let me, I'll shoot you."
So Superlad doesn't let him. Dr Metallica shoots him. But, look out! TC has teleported in front of the bullet. Superlad shoves Dr Metallica through the barn wall and asks the question that most of the audience is pondering.
"Given that you know about my powers, why on Earth would you throw yourself in front of a bullet for me?"
"I forgot!" she says, then giggles. TC, trying the dumb blonde path. "No, seriously, I wouldn't ever let anybody know your secret."
And she dies.
But no she doesn't, because she's still alive and in hospital in the next scene. And she apologises some more. And Superlad says that he still thinks she's hot and he will forgive and hug her to his mighty pecs after he's had a scene where Bo gives him an almighty dressing down.
Turns out that Bo's far too mega-furious to even come down to the kitchen. He's up in the bedroom, lacing the biggest switch he could find with little Kryptonite fragments, preparing to give Superlad the whuppin' of a lifetime. It is left to Boring Old Ma to give the lecture.
"Superlad," she says. "I thought that we taught you that marriage is special and sacred and not to be taken lightly for a few cheap ratings points."
"I know," says Superlad. "I'm sorry. I was on Red K and she is rather cute."
Boring Old Ma ignores him. She turns to the camera. "Also, gang, waiting for marriage is the most radically groovy way to have sex." She too gives the street-smart thumbs up and that's the end of the episode.
Oh, except for a scene where Sinead lets Porthos sleep in the mansion dungeons so he can keep an eye on him and also the previously discussed 'hugging to mighty pecs' scene.
A perfectly good episode with lots of half-naked frolicking in underwear. That's fine with me. I only wish that the subtle and timely messages about celibacy had been accompanied by some kind of Celibacy Hotline where I could learn more about this burning issue.
Next week: Lois is back. Screw celibacy.
Begone,
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