THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.3 / 10 
1: Loises and Lanas and Luthors, Oh My!
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
In a move already winning plaudits from plauditeers the world over, we leap head-first into Season Four of Smallville. We open with a video of TIAC explaining about how she is dead, which one has to admit is a neat trick but so easy in these CGI-filled days. Watching the video is a hot and mysterious brunette. Hot and mysterious brunette gets it into her head to drive out to Smallville to find the mysterious 'Superlad' to which TIAC's dead video referred.
She succeeds, but only with the judicious assistance of a bolt of lightning and a minor car crash through the cornfields. Her car conveniently pulls up in front of a naked Superlad lying in a burnt out patch of corn.
"Hey?" says Hot and Mysterious Brunette. "What's your name?" Because she didn't read the previous paragraph and so doesn't know that the super-powered young nudist in front of her is, in fact, the Superlad she's looking for.
"I don't know," responds Superlad. He also has not read that paragraph (perhaps a clue that it is tired and dull and poorly written) and has amnesia to boot, I guess.
"Yeah?" says HandMB. "Well, I'm Lois Lane."
Oooo-kay then. Let's have some opening credits.
Over to Egypt and Sinead, looking resplendent in a white suit that must be an absolute bitch to keep clean amid all that dust and dirt and grime, has had some archaelogist henchmen find a statue of Anubis (or possibly Marilyn Monroe) with Kryptonian symbols on the back of it. And, despite what would seem like overwhelming odds against it, they've managed to do so.
Back to Smallville and Lois is trying to drop Superlad off at the Smallville Hospital. Superlad is speaking mechanically and in a monotone. This symbolises either his amnesia or a slight raising of Tom Welling's acting skills.
Anyway, it turns out that due to an obscure Smallville County Medical Law, it is a federal offence to leave a 'nude, buff alien with no memory and/or operating mental faculties in a registered hospital, church or animal shelter'. Hamstrung by this legal ruling, Lois has no choice but to hang out with Superlad, whose conversation has gone downhill in a big way.
She's not happy about this, but then Superlad starts walking around in the nude again, so Lois says 'ooohhhhhh.... if you insist then'.
Cut to Paris, or some other city for which an establishing shot of the Eiffel Tower would seem appropriate. Here we see Lana bumping into some American boofhead, the Whit Mark Two.
There is a scene where Whit Mark Two and Lana play a game where they pretend they are strangers and Lana offers an opinion on the romantic merits of a motorcycle helmet. As one invariably does in Paris. But then it is revealed that Lana and Whit Mark Two met two months ago (oh, should have mentioned, we're now three months after the end of Season Three - obviously...) when Whit Mark Two crashed his moped into Lana's butt... or some damn thing. It's all very cute and endearing and clever and funny and it only made me want to vomit a tiny little bit, so that's sweet.
Back to Smallville Hospital where Boring Old Ma is reading a book to Bo, who has been in a coma for three months. Despite this, he's still being talked about as 'the interesting one' of the couple. Boring Old Ma is reading him his favourite book (Where The Wild Things Are - some kind of slash fiction I believe). The nurses are bored silly with this book and suggest that to save time and energy and casting fees, Boring Old Ma should just pull the plug on Bo.
"That would be far too interesting," says Boring Old Ma.
"He is brain dead," says the nurse.
"And that is why I love him," says Boring Old Ma.
She then looks up to see Superlad strolling by. "Hey, Superlad," says Boring Old Ma. "Let's get you back to the barn."
"Who are you?" says Superlad.
"Who are you?" says Lois to Boring Old Ma, arriving on the scene.
"Who are you?" says Boring Old Ma to Lois.
"The three of them then segue into a sultry version of My Generation ..."
The three of them then segue into a sultry version of My Generation, Before Boring Old Ma takes Superlad back to the barn. She shows him around. "This is your telescope," says Boring Old Ma. "That's what you perve on Lana with - y'know, just until your telescopic vision kicks in."
Lana? thinks Superlad. Forget Lana. I'm now hot for this Lois chick.
She shows him photos of TIAC and Lana. Nope, thinks Superlad. I'll still be going for this Lois lass from now on.
She shows him a photo of Bo. Superlad recognises him, but happily for all, still prefers Lois. "This is my Earth father, Bo Kent," says Superlad. "He tried to stop me from being reborn."
"Ummmm..." says Boring Old Ma. "Technically, yes." She hesitates for a few seconds. "Another way of looking at that is that he tried to save you from the SS Jor-El."
"Semantics," says Superlad, and drops the frame on the floor.
Back to Egypt and Sinead has changed into a fresh white suit and jumped aboard a plane. Fortunately, it's one of his planes and so there's a doctor on board who exposits for all of us that if Sinead doesn't have his blood purified every 72 hours (or three of your Earth days) his internal organs will shut down.
"Ew!" says Sinead and lets his doctor (and, of course, I would assume it goes without saying that she's hot and young and female) purify his blood. This is done with a combination of burettes, tubing and Ajax.
Of course, that damned turbulence kicks in and Sinead's Kryptonian Anubis is shattered. This turns out to be a slice of good fortune because inside the Kryptonian Anubis is a magical crystal. (Well, duh!) Sinead picks it up and it activates.
And by 'activate' I mean, of course, that it drives Superlad out of his tiny amnesiac mind all the way back in Smallville. He suddenly straightens up, looking significantly at the sky.
"I am Kal-El of Krypton," says Superlad. "It is time to fulfil my destiny."
"Oh, not this again," says Boring Old Ma.
And then, just to be new and exciting, Superlad lifts off, flying away from the Kent farm, like any self-respecting Kryptonian would have been doing for years now.
Boring Old Ma looks after him as he flies away. "Well, wacko!" she says.
Back in Paris, meanwhile, Lana and Whit Mark Two are sucking face in some kind of ancient Parisian crypt. There's some nonsense about Lana having to make a shading of a printing of Xena, or something. I wasn't really paying attention to this bit, because I was far too cooled out by the flying Superlad. So I was oblivious to the fact that the print of Xena, like almost all random artworks aroud the world these days, apparently, was riddled with Kryptonian symbols.
Sadly, Lana wasn't paying attention either, so she was zapped by something - perhaps a ray of some kind I'm guessing. I'm sure there was a point to it but I'll be danged if I know what it is. And trust me, you don't want to see me when I'm danged.
Back at Smallville and Lois has popped in to chat with Boring Old Ma. It should be mentioned at this point that Lois is wearing a fantastic singlet type of top thing and an oh-so-cute ponytail. She went on for a bit about TIAC and other stuff but, really, who could pay attention?
At one point she expresses disdain that TIAC would fall for 'the farmboy type' and then says, oh so portentously, that she's more a fan of 'the nerd with glasses'.
Heh.
Anyway there's more Lois rambling about TIAC but I was still too transfixed by the singlet to pay attention.
By this stage, of course, Superlad has flown around the planet to Sinead's plane. The pilots see him coming in on the radar. "What is it?" says the co-pilot. "A bird? A plane?"
Heh again.
It's Superlad, you damn fools. Superlad flies up to the door of the plane, tears it open. There is a loss of pressure in the cabin. Masks fall from the ceiling. Sinead makes sure that his own mask is securely fastened before he goes to the assistance of any children or elderly passengers.
When it turns out that there are no children or elderly passengers on board, he goes to the front of his cabin where he peers through the wall (there's a hole in the wall, of course. Sinead has not suddenly developed X-Ray Vision - because, really, let's show some respect to the Superman mythos) and maybe, just maybe catches a glimpse of Superlad stealing the Kryptonian Anubis Crystal and flying away again...
Back at the Kent farm and you'll never guess who's shown up - Margot Kidder! The original Lois Lane. And when I say 'original' I mean, of course, not necessarily the first one but the one in the Superman movies. Y'know, the one that went a little bit bonkers for a bit a few years back.
"... the in-jokes and cultural cross-references are working overtime here in Smallville."
She seems better now and it turns out Margot Kidder is the secret lover of Christopher Reeve, who you'll recall is some super-scientist joker who knows all about Superlad and his Kryptonian origins due, primarily, to his own reign as a superhuman being, again in the aforementioned movies. Yes, the in-jokes and cultural cross-references are working overtime here in Smallville.
Especially when you remember (as we all try so very hard not to do) that Boring Old Ma played Lana in one of the movies. Now, that's mildly icky.
But this is still an episode of Smallville, as far as I can tell, and so Margot Kidder explains to Boring Old Ma how only one person can stop Superlad.
"You?" guesses a hopelessly optimistic Boring Old Ma.
"Ha! Get real," says Margot Kidder. "He has fully embraced the Kryptonian destiny handed down to him by the SS Jor-El."
"And that's not good, right?" says Boring Old Ma.
"No, but the only challenge to a father's rule is a mother's love."
Boring Old Ma doesn't like the sound of that. "Seriously?" she says.
"Yes," says Margot Kidder, nodding. "That, and a shitload of black Kryponite." And she hands over a box full of, you guessed it, black Kryptonite.
"Okay, then," says Boring Old Ma.
By this stage Sinead has popped into prison to visit Porthos, who is sans flowing locks, but buff with prison muscles. They hurl barbs at one another. Sinead accuses Porthos of murder. Porthos accuses Sinead of galavanting around in Egypt. Sinead accuses Porthos of somehow busting into his plane and stealing his Kryptonian Anubis Crystal. Porthos accuses Sinead of being unwell. Sinead accuses Porthos of trying to poison his brandy. And so it goes, back and forth.
"The dosage of poison in my brandy would have killed an ordinary man," says Sinead. "But apparently I'm not ordinary."
"No," agrees Porthos. "You're my son."
This is a critical mistake and Sinead sees an opening. "God help me," he says, thrusting his rejoinder deep.
Pow!! Sinead walks away triumphantly. And yet another bout of Tracy-Hepburnesque banter between the Luthors draws to a close.
And then Boring Old Ma intercepts Superlad back at that bloody cave and infects him with Black Kryptonite. According to the Laws of Physics, this means he is split into a good Superlad and a bad Superlad. They fight for a bit and the good Superlad wins.
Back at Smallville Hospital, Bo is so staggered by such a blatant rip-off of the Superman 3 climax that he awakens from his coma and asks a passing nurse if he can get a copy of the various Smallville County Plagiarism Laws and Mandates.
"Ha ha ha!" say the nurses. That crazy old brain-dead Bo.
And that's about it. Bo is declared 'fighting fit' and 'full of beans' by the medical fraternity. Lois sneaks into the prison cell with Porthos and accuses him of murdering TIAC. ("Sinead?" says Porthos. "You look somehow different?" "I'm not Sinead," says Lois. "Oh thank God," says Porthos, covering his erection.) Bo asks Superlad about "this whole flying caper", because Bo sees a way to cut corners on his cropdusting bill. Superlad blames the flying stint on a combination of evil Kryptonian possession and that strange bush at the back of the tomato crops.
Then Lana fills in a few minutes of otherwise dead time by having a shower. And that works fine.
Then we end with Lois and Superlad bumping into one another (not literally) at TIAC's grave. They flirt outrageously and vow to track down TIAC's killer. Or, at the very least, think of some more nasty names to call Porthos. ("Four-eyes?" suggests Superlad.)
And then, for perverted and ill reasons known only to himself, Superlad uses the ol' X-Ray peepers to look in TIAC's coffin. It's empty! You or I might think this is because she was blown to pieces in an explosion. Not Superlad, he draws the alternative conclusion that TIAC is still alive.
He calls out to Lois. "TIAC is still alive!" he says. And before we are left with any kind of messy scenes where Superlad is forced to explain how he arrived at this conclusion, the show ends.
Phew! Just in the nick of whatsisname. That's it. We're back. Fine, fine stuff. I'm sure at this rate that within the next five or six episodes we'll eventually just end up with a complete remake of one of the Superman movies. And I, for one, could not be happier with such a course of events.
Next week: I can only guess that we're off to piece together the remains of TIAC's horrifically exploded body. Also, the guy who played Jimmy Olsen makes an appearance as Bo's long lost twin brother-in-law.
Begone,
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