THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.4 / 10 
9: One Crashed Through The Wall Of The Cuckoo's Nest
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
As we saw last week, Sinead's been plonked in the bughouse by Porthos. It's now a month later and he's not particularly enjoying it, but is popping pills and painting as well as any insane asylum inmate might.
Superlad pops in for a visit. And look who he passes in the corridors - Mysterious Sniper from earlier this season, MUNDL from an episode in the second season and from way back in the first season, SuperNerdling. As you might expect, they're all pleased as punching bags to see Superlad and threaten to kill him and eat his superspleen and so forth.
The guards are equally impressed. "You sure know a lot of people here," they say.
"I guess I'm just naturally affable," responds Superlad.
Superlad is shown through to Sinead. "Hey Superlad, I know your secret. Don't worry, I'll never tell anybody, but you should smash through the wall and sprint me to safety."
So one can safely assume that Sinead's got a bit to learn about keepin' the ol' superpowers hidden from the populace. Not that Superlad's the finest exponent of this just yet - witness two-thirds of the asylum population being aware of his secret identity, but still... Superlad tells Sinead he can't help unless Sinead comes up with a more secretive plan.
Screw that, thinks Sinead and simply stabs a guard with a pencil the next morning. He then runs through the corridors in an opening credit-worthy sequence, all the way to the gates where he is electronically zapped and returned to custody.
Porthos, naturally enough, hears of this electronic zapping and likes the sound of it. He goes to Sinead's shrink. "Why don't we try a radical new electroshock procedure on Sinead's noggin?"
The shrink is unsure. "Such a procedure would have a fifty percent chance of turning Sinead into a vegertable!" she protests.
"Is that all?" says Porthos, noticably disappointed.
Back at the farm, Superlad's got Sinead's insanity, and treatment thereof, on his conscience. "I'm Sinead's only chance," he says, showing an admirable disdain for the entire psychiatric profession.
"Superlad," says Bo. "You can't just break somebody out of a criminal institution..."
"Sure I can. I'm wicked strong, y'know."
"No, I mean, morally it's wrong. What would you accomplish? You'd go to prison and Sinead would be running around with knowledge of your secret on the tip of his tongue."
"But Good Ol' Pete knows my secret," protests Superlad.
"Good Ol' Pete is a token character ..."
"That's different," says Bo. "Good Ol' Pete is a token character, a mere plot device. Sinead is more rounded and destined to become your arch enemy."
Superlad ignores this. "Hey, where is Good Ol' Pete anyway?" he asks.
Back to the asylum and Mysterious Sniper, MUNDL and SuperNerdling have formed the Secret Society of Supervillains.
"Lookie here," says MUNDL to Mysterious Sniper. "I hear you know Superlad's weakness."
"Maybe I do, and maybe I don't," says Mysterious Sniper, canny as always.
"Look, here's the plan," says SuperNerdling. "If he comes back, you weaken him, then I'll steal his powers and break us all out of here."
"And then," says MUNDL. "The Secret Society of Supervillains will be triumphant."
"Y'know," says SuperNerdling. "I still think we should call ourselves the Superlad Revenge Squad. It's much catchier."
"We voted on this already," says MUNDL.
"Yes, how did you win that vote?" asks SuperNerdling.
Back at school and Superlad has used TIAC's computer to go to www.sineadsmedication.net and download a list of the drugs that Evil Shrink has been giving Sinead.
"They've been drugging him!" says Superlad.
"He is insane!" points out TIAC.
"They're also going to give him radical electroshock therapy," says Superlad.
"I'd like to see that," confesses TIAC, a long-time fan of brutal lobotomic procedures.
Oh, but lookie here! Somehow, Mysterious Sniper has got a guard to smuggle in some kryptonite. He's offered him a shiny new penny in exchange for it.
MUNDL does his whole 'split my body in two' trick and the pair of MUNDLs drop a weight on Mysterious Sniper and steal his kryptonite. Oh no, looks like the Secret Society of Supervillains is crumbling before they even begin. Would this have happened if they'd called themselves the Superlad Revenge Squad. Somehow, one thinks not.
But MUNDL has bigger guns to fry. He goes to Sinead who is chained up and points out that there is now a slot in the team open. And Sinead's unique brand of bald evil would fit in comfortably. All he has to do is invite Superlad back for another visit.
"Thanks, but no thanks," says Sinead. "Maybe some other time."
"I would have thought," says MUNDL. "That somebody whose brain is about to be fried tomorrow would be rather keen to escape."
"Me too," agrees Sinead.
There is a long... long pause.
"Oh," says Sinead, eventually. "Um, what now?"
MUNDL shows Sinead the website that details his pending shock therapy.
"That animated GIF is just plumb annoying."
"Don't like the layout," says Sinead. "That animated GIF is just plumb annoying."
Anyway, it turns out that TIAC and Superlad have somehow talked Evil Shrink out of zapping Sinead's melon (perhaps they offered her a shiny new penny also), so Porthos has her rubbed out and replaced with a thinner, more compliant version.
Superlad hears about this and decides that he's wasted enough time this episode and so off he goes to rescue Sinead.
"I knew you'd come," says Sinead.
Superlad smiles sheepishly. It is a tender, beautiful moment, interrupted only by MUNDL and SuperNerdling bursting in with some Kryptonite and beating the proverbial snot out of Superlad.
So here's where we currently stand: Sinead is about to have his brain zapped with an enormous amout of electricity. Superlad is about to have his body zapped with an enormouse amount of electricity.
Get it? Currently stand. Booya! Don't talk to me about puns and wordplay.
But just as Porthos and his new Evil Doctor go to fry Sinead's noggin, SuperNerdling and MUNDL zap Superlad.
"There's something wrong with the power," says Evil Doctor 2.
"Yes, thank you, Sherlock," says Porthos, wondering why on Earth he ever hired a doctor named Sherlock.
But now SuperNerdling has Superlad's powers and Not-So-Superlad has, like, none. SuperNerdling throws Not-So-Superlad into some of those insane asylum metal drums.
"Let's get out of here. We need to escape before they catch us," says MUNDL.
"'We'??" says SuperNerdling. "Prrftt. What do I need you for, MUNDL? How does splitting in two help this plan in any way??" He throws him into a wall.
And with that, the Secret Society of Supervillains crumbles.
Not-So-Superlad taunts SuperNerdling (something along the lines of 'get your own stinkin' powers, leechie') and then weakens him with the Kryptonite that everybody had forgotten about before zapping him again and returning everything to normal.
Unfortunately, the zapping reignites the shock therapy on Sinead. But good news! It's not so bad. Stings a bit, but doesn't fry his brain to nothingness. It just (and you won't believe this) makes him forget about Superlad's powers.
There's a lovely scene back in the mansion where Superlad pops in to check the veracity of the last sentence of the previous paragraph.
"Do you remember anything about me stopping a speeding car with just my shoulder and smashing it into pieces?"
"Nope," says Sinead.
"Good," says Superlad.
"There is one thing I'll never forget, though," says Sinead, ominously.
"Yeee-eeess?" says Superlad.
"Your stout-hearted friendship and construction worker good looks."
Phew, thinks Superlad. They hug tenderly and in slow motion.
Where was Lana during this episode, one or two of you might be asking? Immersed in yet another of her tedious subplots, I'm saddened to say. Some gibberish about a randy physical therapist who teaches her to walk again (she'd somehow forgotten) and makes a vow to be her friend when secretly he wants to ravage her purity. Yawn.
Oh, and Porthos? He's been listening in on the tapes of Sinead talking to Superlad in the asylum, trying to make out what Superlad's secret might be...
And that's it. A fan-bloody-tastic effort. A joy to see the return of all the old nuthouse freaks. Three cheers for continuity, people!
Next Week: Superlad blinds himself in idiotic fashion. Ha ha ha. Always funny to laugh at superpowered blind people. Take that, Daredevil.
Begone,
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